How to Build Resilience by Making Friends

Photo by Alexis Brown on Unsplash

Having social support from close friends or family is an essential resilience factor. Studies show that those with strong friendships are far more resilient in many settings, whether dealing with difficult work situations, a severe medical illness, or even the loss of a loved one. In this TED talk, Robert Waldinger reports on a longitudinal study that confirms the value of positive social relationships.

Unfortunately, as we get busier with our everyday responsibilities, such as work and family, we tend to put our friendships on the back burner. Men are more at risk than women, with many having no friends as they approach middle age.

Making friends isn't easy, and it can become harder for adults who don't have natural forums for meeting and getting to know new people. We may have a lot of acquaintances, but it can be challenging to transition those relationships into friendships.

The good news is that you don’t need to be an extrovert or have a million friends. A single close friendship is enough to build your resilience.

Do you want to build your resilience through better friendships? Here are some tips on how to do it:

Create New Connections

If you don't have friends in your area, reach out to special interest groups, such as clubs or meetups. Volunteer with a local charitable organization. Attend a religious service. Invite a work colleague for a cup of coffee. Reaching out can be a challenge for shy people, so if you need some motivation, set targets for yourself, such as meeting one new person a week.

Strengthen Existing Connections

Even people who are married or have many friends can feel lonely. If you are married or have a partner, consider ways you can deepen or revitalize that relationship. If you've been neglecting some old friendships, reach out to these friends to connect over coffee and catch up. Consider carving an extra hour or two out of your week to schedule lunch or dinner with a close friend regularly.

Spend Time in Person

While the internet can be a powerful tool to connect people, there is no substitute for ample face-to-face time when sustaining and nurturing our relationships. Friendships take time to develop. Researcher Jeffrey Hall found that while casual friendships emerge after only 30 hours spent together, close friendships do not develop until after 300 hours spent together. He noted the importance of talking, catching up, joking, and having meaningful conversations.

When Stressed, Reach Out

An essential part of building resilience is accepting help from the people who are important to you. If you are struggling with stress or a tough situation, lean on a friend for some support. Asking for help is a great way to make yourself feel better and can deepen the bond you have with that friend.

Check out this blog for more tips on making friends in your 30s, 40s, 50s, and beyond.

How do you make and nurture your friendships?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

How to Ensure Formal Award Programs Build Team Resilience

The author presenting an award at the U.S. Consulate Kolkata

In a recent resilience training session, several employees told me they did not feel appreciated by their leadership because they had not had an award ceremony in several years. While the organization gave awards, employees were disappointed that certificates appeared on their desks with no formal presentation.

The organization's leadership, however, had a different view. They felt that employees viewed awards as an entitlement, not as a reward for work above and beyond the norm. They thought employees were overlooking and undervaluing the appreciation they had received in other forums.

This tension highlights a frequent debate surrounding awards and employee recognition programs. While research shows that affirmation, feedback, and reward motivate employees to do their best work, many people strongly dislike formal award programs. While award ceremonies have a positive impact in some organizations, in other offices they may lead to lower instead of higher morale.

I suspect that concerns about award programs arise when leadership has stumbled into one or more award pitfalls. When this happens, morale can suffer, and team resilience may erode. Here are some of the most common pitfalls:

Common Award Pitfalls

• Lack of fairness and transparency: When awards are not fair and transparent, employees become bitter and cynical. To avoid this pitfall, communicate award guidelines widely. Be impartial and transparent when applying the rules. If an employee expects an award, have a conversation about why and be open to finding award-worthy performance that isn't obvious. If you believe an award is not warranted, don't submit an award nomination. Instead, clearly explain your reasoning and what the employee can do in the future to earn the recognition.

• High performers are overlooked: When leadership overlooks high performers, some may become less motivated. Be generous with awards and ensure that managers take the time needed to submit nominations for their best performers. If a manager consistently neglects to nominate employees, have a performance management discussion with that supervisor. Explain that failure to recognize and reward strong performers will negatively impact the office, and you expect the manager to nominate deserving employees for awards. A clear message from leadership regarding expectations can be powerful.

• Poor performers receive awards: When poor performers receive awards, it devalues the awards for everyone else. Staff morale will often go down when leadership recognizes individuals who are widely seen as undeserving, self-serving, toxic, or too absorbed in stroking the boss without performing. Or, they are known to engage in behaviors that violate organizational norms and values (e.g., people who engage in discriminatory or harassing behavior). Managers need to resist pressure to nominate and approve awards for these known poor performers.

• Low budgets: When budgets are tight, some organizations may reduce the number of awards they issue. While it is always nice to get money with an award, public recognition for work well done is also impactful. It is better to give more awards for less money each than limit the number of awards. During or after a crisis, consider granting more awards than usual to acknowledge the challenges employees experienced.

• A rushed award ceremony: While many of us find award ceremonies to be tedious and lengthy, the only thing worse than a ceremony that is too long is a ceremony that is too short. Bringing people together and then rushing events can feel insulting and give the impression that leadership is not committed enough to give their time to the event. Read the citations, take time for photos, and properly thank employees for their contributions. Find ways to keep the ceremony from dragging on without cutting the essential aspects of employee recognition ceremonies. Skimping on food demonstrates that leadership does not believe people are worth the expense. Don't be lavish or wasteful, but provide quality food that doesn't run out.

Why Have an Award Ceremony?

Given these pitfalls, it can be tempting to scrap a formal award ceremony. In doing so, you may lose an opportunity to strengthen your team’s resilience. If you put in place systems and structures that avoid the risks, award ceremonies can foster team resilience in the following ways:

• Demonstrate commitment: By taking the time to write an award nomination, managers demonstrate their commitment to employees. Time is precious, so taking the time to nominate someone for even a minor award sends a message that the person is worth your time. I often nominated employees for competitive awards and showed them the nomination, even when I was not confident they would be selected.

• Show consideration: Public recognition is a great way to show consideration to employees. While a private "thank you" is useful, public recognition has the added benefit of demonstrating to the entire team how much senior managers value people in the organization. Award ceremonies provide an open forum for leaders to signal to employees that their organization cares about and appreciates them.

• Create one culture: Award ceremonies build one culture by identifying "organizational heroes," individuals and groups who embody the organization's core values. Reading award citations aloud tells the organization's story, and hearing about the work award recipients have done can inspire others.

• Build connections: Once we can have in-person award ceremonies again, they can be enjoyable social events that build relationships between team members. Since they are organization-wide, it provides an opportunity for employees to make social connections with colleagues in other parts of the organization and across hierarchies.  

• Increase coordination: A public event that highlights the work of different organizational components helps employees stay in sync and work toward common goals. When awards are linked to organization-wide goals, it encourages employees to view their work as part of a larger whole.

What are your thoughts on award ceremonies? What pitfalls have you experienced, and how have award ceremonies improved your team's resilience?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

It's Time to Plan Your Next Vacation

Today is National Plan for Vacation Day. Do you have summer vacation plans yet? If not, you may be one of the 47% of Americans who do not take all of their vacation time.

Why don’t we take a vacation when studies show that taking time off from work, and work-related emails, lowers levels of fatigue and job burnout? Many of us are so overwhelmed with work, we cannot imagine taking time away. However, if you come back rested from vacation, your performance will probably improve. You’ll be better at solving problems and other creative tasks.

Coronavirus had made vacation planning exceptionally challenging. Without knowing when it will be safe to travel, many of us are reluctant to book flights and hotel rooms. We don’t want to be disappointed when our vacation plans fall through. Still, the benefits of planning your next vacation are probably worth taking the risks of having to change plans. Check out this blog for vacation ideas during a global pandemic.

During my last few years in the State Department, I had a tradition of taking at least a week off every winter and summer. Just before I left for a vacation, I started planning my next one. This way I would always be planning and looking forward to a trip. This tradition did wonders for my resilience and work productivity.

In 2021, I had several trips planned even though I knew there was a chance coronavirus would cause me to cancel. Luckily, each trip fell during COVID lulls so I got very lucky. I’ve done the same for 2022, planning for the worst and hoping for the best!

Here are some tips on how you can ensure you are taking regular vacations:

Plan Ahead

Get approval for your leave and block vacation days on your calendar six months or more in advance. Buy your plane ticket and make reservations. This way when your vacation comes around, you have no excuse to postpone or cancel. Waiting for the right time to take a break rarely works since it’s never a good time.

Prepare Your Backup

Having a well-briefed, reliable backup is essential to taking leave. Trust your backup to act on your behalf while you're gone. If you're a manager, give explicit authority to the acting manager to make decisions and keep the team moving. Don't second guess your backup once you return to the office. So what if you would have done it differently or even better - giving someone authority gives you freedom. It’s worth it.

Don’t Check Emails

I used to check my emails every morning while on vacation, rationalizing that this kept me from feeling overwhelmed by emails on my first day back in the office. The problem with this practice is that I then never really disconnected. My backup wasn't empowered to act since she knew I was checking in daily. And, I never got a real break because I started my day thinking about the office and that thinking lingered through the day. To avoid an email backlog, set aside a few hours or even a full day at the end of your vacation to tackle your inbox.

Communicate Expectations

Draw clear boundaries and communicate these to your colleagues. Let your staff know that you will not check your emails while on leave. Instead, provide a phone number for dire emergencies (define emergency). Let your team know that you've given your backup authority to act on your behalf. Inform your boss that you will not be available except in an emergency and convey your confidence in your backup. Leave an out-of-office message stating that you will not be checking your emails, whom to contact in your absence, and that it will take several days to review emails upon your return.

Consider a Staycation

Vacations do not have to be expensive, elaborate events. Some of my favorite breaks from work have been the times I stayed home and explored my city. And, this is a great way to vacation during coronavirus. Here’s a great article on how to plan the best staycation ever.

Enjoy Your Vacation

With work out of the way, enjoy your leave. Spend time with friends and family once it’s safe to do so, pursue a passion, or do nothing. Let your mind go wherever it takes you and if it takes you to work from time to time, shift your thoughts somewhere else. You'll be thankful you took a real vacation once you return to the office refreshed and resilient. And, if you're a manager, you'll set an excellent example, for your staff to follow.

What helps you take and enjoy your vacations? How have you adapted due to coronavirus?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. is an Inspiring Resilience Role Model

This week we celebrate the life and legacy of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., a man who brought hope and healing to America. Thanks to his resilience, Dr. King was able to accomplish goals that seemed impossible and out of reach.

Dr. King's resilience allowed him to be flexible, adapt quickly, and collaborate well with others. He made quick and effective decisions in a crisis and persisted despite adversity.

What made Dr. King such a resilient person and a leader who inspired resilience within the civil rights community?

Religion

A few years ago, I visited Montgomery, Alabama, and was privileged to tour the church where Dr. King served as a pastor. I learned how much Dr. King looked to his religion for meaning and purpose. While having a religious belief is not required for resilience, studies consistently show that being a member of a religious community can enhance resilience.

Social Support

Dr. King reached out to his wife Coretta, the rest of his immediate family, and members of their church to support and encourage him during his years of struggle. When I toured his home in Montgomery, the guides described the importance he placed on his family and how they would host social gatherings to draw support from friends in the community. Dr. King surrounded himself with people whom he could lean on and who helped him endure.

Recovery Time

Dr. King's days were long and arduous. They took a toll on him physically and mentally. What struck me when visiting his home was how he created space for contemplation and recovery. He would spend hours in his office praying, reading, and thinking. Taking this time allowed him to recover from stress and hardship.

Altruism

Dr. King believed strongly in helping others. When sanitation workers went on strike in Memphis, he gave his support because he wanted to help others in need. Staff at the Civil Rights Museum in Memphis told me that Dr. King was tempted not to go to the church to give his Mountaintop speech because it was pouring rain, and he was tired. Dr. King went anyway because he wanted to support the striking workers. In this remarkable speech, he explained that the question he posed to himself was not, "If I stop to help this man in need, what will happen to me?" The question was, "If I do not stop to help the sanitation workers, what will happen to them?"

Reframing

Dr. King was a master at reframing negative situations, which allowed him to maintain a positive outlook despite tragedy. He knew that staying mired in negativity and hatred would erode his resilience and lead to bitterness. In his famous "I Have a Dream" speech, he reframed the civil rights movement from a struggle of mighty proportions to an inspiring dream embraced by many.

Staying positive wasn't always easy, especially when white extremists bombed his house. In his autobiography, he wrote: “While I lay in that quiet front bedroom, I began to think of the viciousness of people who would bomb my home. I could feel the anger rising when I realized that my wife and baby could have been killed. I was once more on the verge of corroding hatred. And once more I caught myself and said: ‘You must not allow yourself to become bitter.’ ”

How do you draw inspiration from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.?

 ___________________________ 

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

How to Avoid Micro-Aggressions and Offer Micro-Affirmations Instead

There are two types of small actions - micro-affirmations and micro-aggressions - that can either enhance or destroy your team's resilience. Research conducted by academic Emily Heaphy and consultant Marcial Losada found the ratio of positive to negative comments made the greatest difference between the most and least successful teams they studied.

The average ratio for the highest-performing teams was nearly six positive comments for every negative one. The low-performing teams had almost three negative comments for every positive.

Micro-affirmations are small positive actions and comments that demonstrate that we care about our colleagues. Examples include opening a door for another person, friendly facial expressions or gestures, showing genuine interest in a colleague’s personal life, and asking someone’s opinion.

Micro-aggressions are verbal and nonverbal insults, often targeting people based solely on their marginalized group membership. It is often difficult to pinpoint why something is offensive. Some people might not be aware that their statements had an adverse effect. Examples include never seeking input from minority colleagues, commenting on a co-worker’s clothing or hair because it is outside the norm, saying “you people,” and telling a colleague they are a credit to their race/gender.

Here’s how you can increase micro-affirmations and minimize micro-aggressions in your workplace:

Be Aware

Be thoughtful about the words you use and consider how they impact others. Become familiar with common micro-aggressions and ensure you're not using them. Notice if colleagues are using micro-aggressions and the impact they are having on others. Avoid being sarcastic, mocking, or arrogant with your colleagues. 

Speak Up

Commit to a daily practice of offering micro-affirmations to co-workers. Encourage colleagues to also make positive comments to each other. When you witness a micro-aggression, whether targeting you or a colleague, call out the inappropriate behavior.

Avoid Bad Jokes

While humor helps build team resilience, people often use jokes to cover micro-aggressions. Watch for and eliminate language such as "Oh get over it; it's just a joke." Confront colleagues who use jokes in this negative way.

Be Supportive

If a colleague is the target of micro-aggressions, reach out and offer to help. Validate their experiences and ask what you can do to support them. Join them in efforts to eliminate negative comments from the workplace.

Admit Your Mistakes

Acknowledge that you are human and may inadvertently commit a micro-aggression. When you do, admit your mistake, learn from the experience, and apologize. If someone confronts you on your behavior, listen to what they tell you, and try not to be defensive. It can be very harmful to deny that someone is hurt or offended by something we said or did.

Though our emotions can often run away from us, we control the words we say and our actions. A daily practice of giving micro-affirmations and the eradication of micro-aggressions demonstrates that you care about your teammates and fosters an atmosphere of resilience in your office.

What is your experience with both micro-affirmations and micro-aggressions in the workplace?

I___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

This Year, Commit to Being a Resilience Leader

The last two years have been tough. The chronic stress of living through a global pandemic is still taking its toll, and many of us saw our resilience erode as a result.

While there is some hope that the pandemic will end this year, we still have some difficult months ahead. Resilience Leaders, managers who foster a culture of resilience in their organizations and teams, are needed now more than ever.

As a senior leader in the U.S. Department of State, I saw first-hand the value of leading in a way that fosters the resilience of an office or embassy. After I recovered from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder due to my service in Iraq, I initially focused on my resilience. As I moved into more senior leadership positions, I realized that being a resilient leader was not enough, and paying attention only to my resilience risked neglecting my team.

I learned that I also needed to model resilience-building behaviors, mentor employees who had low resilience and foster the resilience of my team. When I became a Resilience Leader instead of just a resilient leader, my team's performance improved dramatically.

Here's how you can be a Resilience Leader:

Model Resilience Behaviors

• Actions matter: As a leader, employees are watching everything you do. If they see you exercising over lunch, leaving work on time to attend your daughter’s soccer match, openly grieving the loss of a loved one, or taking a vacation without checking emails, they are more likely to do the same. Spend the next month examining your behavior. What messages are you sending or not sending through your actions?

• Actions speak louder than words: Talking about resilience without behaving in ways that improve resilience can cause harm since employees may perceive you as hypocritical, which can erode trust. While it may be helpful to talk about your behavior as a form of modeling, let your actions speak and minimize your words.

Mentor Employees with Low Resilience

• Build trust: Your employees will be more open with you if they trust you. Build credibility early on by getting to know your employees and demonstrating your commitment to their well-being.

• Ask questions: If you see an employee who is struggling, point out what you are seeing and then ask open-ended questions that indicate a genuine interest in hearing what is going on. Continue to pose follow-up questions that give your employee control over how much they tell you, yet encourage them to talk.

• Listen: Many people just want someone who will listen. If you reach an awkward silence, resist the temptation to fill the silence by talking. While you may want to share some experiences you’ve had that are relevant, the focus of the conversation should be on your employee, not on you.

• Don’t problem-solve: Many of us want to solve problems because it gives us control, especially when we are uncomfortable with an emotional issue. However, jumping immediately into problem-solving can appear to be dismissive or condescending. Instead, encourage your employee to talk. At the end of the conversation, if appropriate, guide them to explore potential ways forward.

Foster Team Resilience

• Foster the 7Cs of Team Resilience: If you are the head of your office or organization, you will have the most significant impact on your team's resilience. Make the 7Cs of Team Resilience one of your leadership priorities.

• Encourage others to build team resilience: Recognize that every member can contribute to their team's resilience and effectiveness. Involve everyone on your team in strengthening the 7Cs.

To learn more about being a Resilience Leader, check out my Udemy Resilience Leadership course. This two-hour course explains how to model, mentor, and foster resilience and is filled with activities that will improve your resilience leadership skills. The course is free for the first 100 people who use this link to register before January 27, 2022.

Are you a Resilience Leader? Have you worked for a Resilience Leader? What do you/they do to model, mentor and foster resilience?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter.

How to Help Someone With Low Resilience

The holiday season can be tough on people. With coronavirus, this year is particularly difficult. If you notice that a colleague is struggling, what can you do?

Too many of us do nothing. The worst thing we can do is gossip about the person, trying to figure out what’s going on. Supervisors may confront or discipline an employee for poor performance.

Since low resilience may be causing these changes in behavior, the best thing you can do is talk to the person and find out what is going on.

Many of us are reluctant to delve into a colleague’s personal life. We worry we may infringe on the person's privacy, violate an HR rule, or make matters worse. We also risk becoming too emotionally involved or being manipulated.

Luckily, we can talk to colleagues about resilience in ways that will minimize these risks and manage our fears.

To have a fruitful conversation, your colleague must trust you. That's why it is essential to build trust with colleagues early on. If a colleague doesn't trust you, he may be defensive and suspect you have bad intentions. If there isn't trust, find someone your colleague does trust, and ask him to have the resilience conversation.

If you opt to have the talk yourself, decide ahead of time how much time you can devote to a conversation and find a comfortable environment that allows for privacy. Allow time for your recovery after the conversation in case the discussion ends up being emotional or stressful for you.

When you start the discussion, be clear and direct, describing the behavior changes you’ve been seeing. Show compassion and caring. Communicate that you’re raising this issue because you want to be supportive.

Then, ask open-ended questions. By asking open-ended questions, you're giving control to your colleague to decide how much to tell you. You are not violating a person's privacy if he wants to tell you what is happening. If he doesn't want to talk, let him know that you're okay with that and available to talk later if he changes his mind.

The most important thing you can do is listen. These conversations make many of us nervous, which causes most of us to say more. Fight your desire to speak and instead really listen to what your colleague is saying. If self-disclosure is appropriate, keep your own story short and shift back to your colleague’s story. The focus of the conversation should be on your colleague, not on you.

Most people want to jump into problem-solving much too quickly in these conversations. And, they start telling the person what to do instead of listening to what is going on. Resist the temptation to fix the problem. Instead, after you've spent time hearing the story, ask questions that help your colleague find his way forward. 

Be careful not to make any judgments. For example, telling a colleague that you think he'd benefit from mental healthcare is judging. Instead, use self-disclosure to make suggestions. (When my mother died, I found counseling very beneficial. Where do you think you can get support?) Or, continue to ask questions that help the person reach conclusions. (What do you think is causing this? What have you explored so far?)

Avoid become your colleague's only support or letting these conversations absorb too much of your time. If you feel your colleague is becoming too dependent on you, explain that you cannot provide as much support as he appears to need. Then, offer to help him explore where he can find the help he requires.

These conversations are hard, and it is okay if you make mistakes. Helping colleagues with low resilience is a skill that you'll improve with practice.

Have you talked with a colleague with low resilience? How did it go?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter.

Why You Need to Look Beyond Work for Meaning

Photo by Ian Schneider on Unsplash

Finding meaning and purpose in your work is essential for resilience. In my experience, people who don’t find meaning at work will burn out within a year.

However, people who have no other source of meaning and purpose except for work are also vulnerable. And, they may unintentionally be eroding the resilience of their colleagues.

Here are some reasons why you want to find meaning outside of work:

Work Will End

As a Foreign Service officer working in an up or out personnel system, I witnessed many people fall apart when they no longer had a job. They hadn't taken the time to cultivate relationships, and some had sacrificed family ties. Many had no hobbies or passions outside of work. Work was their only source of meaning, and without work, they had nothing.

Not having meaning outside of work may be why research shows that so many people die soon after they retire. Without meaning and purpose, many people give up and are more vulnerable to disease. Psychiatrist Viktor Frankl found that “the sudden loss of hope and courage can have a deadly effect.”

You’re Risking Your Health

People who find meaning only in their work tend to be workaholics. They may generate more work than necessary to give them a reason always to be working. Extensive research shows that an excessive and compulsive need to work is harmful and negatively impacts health, wellbeing, and social connections. Having passion only for your work can easily lead to burnout.

I've also seen people stay in toxic work environments because of the meaning they find despite the abuse. The toxicity erodes their resilience, self-worth, and wellbeing, but they are reluctant to leave because they will lose their only source of meaning.

You’re Harming Your Colleagues

When people find meaning only at work, they often struggle to set boundaries and are willing to sacrifice much more than most of their colleagues. The short-term benefits this can generate often place undue pressure on the rest of the team who would prefer to have more balance. Overworking also contributes to a 24/7 work culture that wears down employees and eventually reduces office productivity. 

If you’re a senior leader, you risk being a poor resilience role model for your employees, who need to see you be passionate about people or hobbies outside of work. Even if you encourage your staff to find balance, most will follow what you do and not what you say.

You’re Losing Creativity

Finding meaning and purpose in many facets of your life enriches your thinking and creativity. Creativity is the ability to perceive the world in new ways, to find hidden patterns, to make connections between seemingly unrelated phenomena, and to generate solutions. If you have passions outside of work, you’re more likely to create unique connections and perceptions because you have various sources of input. If your only focus is work, you risk becoming stale because you’re not gaining stimulation from any other sources.

Your Life Is a Wobbly Stool

Think of meaning and purpose as legs of a stool. Legs could be work, family, hobbies, religion, or volunteering. A stool with three legs is stable. If you lose one leg, the other two can sometimes hold it up. A stool with five legs is far sturdier when one of the legs breaks. A stool with only one leg will collapse if that leg breaks.

To learn more about finding meaning and purpose in your life, check out my other blogs on the subject. How do you find meaning and purpose outside of work?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

How to Support an Employee Who Loses a Loved One

Last spring, I wrote a blog on how to maintain resilience when someone in your office dies. It is also essential, particularly for managers, to focus on resilience when an employee loses a loved one - a spouse, parent, child, or close friend/relative. 

Everyone suffers death and loss at some point. Grief can be all-consuming, an issue that spills over into the workplace long after the loss has passed.

Managers who support employees' resilience during times of grief are more likely to find the right balance between being compassionate and maintaining workplace productivity. It also sends a message to all employees that you value them as individuals.

Supervisors who ignore the loss or do not respond well may undermine an employee's healing process, and the employee may struggle to bounce back from this significant life-changing event.

Managers can play a crucial role in helping a person heal. While we all deal with grief differently, knowing something about the various stages or behaviors typical in the grief process can help supervisors understand how to support grieving staff.

In addition to understanding the griefing process, consider these tips for helping a grieving employee:

Talk to Your Employee

Having social connections is critical to resilience. Reach out to your bereaved employee as soon as possible after you learn of their loss. Carve out space on your calendar so that you do not feel rushed for time. Take a moment to gather your thoughts. When offering your condolences, expect sadness and tears. Listen and respect confidentiality.

When the employee returns to work, don't avoid talking about the loss. Many people who are grieving find it comforting to talk about the memories of their loved ones. Don't worry that you will somehow "remind" them of their loss. Their loved one will already be at the forefront of their thoughts. Be cautious of offering platitudes. Instead, provide a sincere expression of condolence that opens up space for your employee to talk.

Give Your Employee Time

Be as flexible as possible in allowing your employee to have the time and space to deal with their loss. Some people will want to return to work as soon as possible while others need more time away. Don't make assumptions about what your employee needs. Ensure that all options are available and let your employee decide which route to take. Know that the grief journey is rarely linear. An employee may have a good day, followed by a bad day.

Share Information

Ask your employee what information they would like conveyed to the team. Proactively offer to draft an email message on their behalf to their colleagues. Later, with permission from the employee, share information about funerals and memorials in a timely fashion. Consider attending the service if appropriate (this may be virtual during coronavirus). If appropriate, ensure that the office organizes a group acknowledgment, such as issuing a card or flowers. Having the support of colleagues can help the employee bounce back.

Here's a sample message you could send on behalf of an employee:

"I am deeply saddened to tell you that the [family member] of [employee] died on [date]. [Employee] and [pronoun] family hope you will share in their sorrow and loss, but also in the joyful memories of [family member). When I have more information about [employee's] return and about funeral arrangements, I will share them."

Anniversaries Are Hard

Even years after someone loses a loved one, there are key dates that may trigger an emotional response. These can include birthdays, anniversaries, the day someone passed, or other significant days. Be sensitive to these days and understanding if your employee is struggling. Allowing someone to talk about their loved one is the kindest thing you can offer.

Get Help

Dealing with grief can be very difficult. Reach out to your Employee Assistance Program to see if they have resources for managers and employees. Remind employees for whom their colleague’s loss may be a trigger or reminder of their grief of available resources for support.

What advice do you have for managers with employees who lost a loved one?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

Life is a Mason Jar

Photo by Matt Hoffman on Unsplash

When you feel overwhelmed, and life seems almost too much to handle, remember this story of the mason jar and a cup of coffee. There are many versions of this story; here's mine.

A philosophy professor stood before his class with a large empty mason jar. He filled the jar with golf balls and asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar, and the pebbles settled into open areas between the golf balls. Again, he asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. The sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students again responded, "yes."

The professor then produced a cup of coffee from under the table and poured it into the jar, filling the space between the sand. The students laughed.

When the laughter subsided, the professor explained:

This jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, children, health, friends, and hobbies. If everything else is lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff.

If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Take care of the golf balls first--the things that matter. Set your priorities, paying attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Meet friends for dinner. Spend time on your hobby.

There will always be time to clean the house and run that errand. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked," he replied, "It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a cup of coffee with a friend."

Are you spending enough time on the important things in your life?

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