Chef Kwame Onwuachi - A Resilience Story

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Chef Kwame Onwuachi’s first restaurant failed after 11 weeks. His failure was very public given his fame as a Top Chef contestant and extensive media attention leading up to the restaurant opening. 

Many people would have struggled to bounce back after this type of failure. Instead, Onwuachi went on to open a popular second restaurant, win a James Beard award, and publish a best-selling memoir.

When I read Onwuachi’s memoir, Notes From a Young Black Chef, I was impressed with his resilience despite overwhelming hardship. He has a long list of traumas, including child abuse, poverty, racism, and hostile work environments. He weathered these and other challenges to achieve his dream of sharing his and other African American stories through cooking.

What makes Onwuachi so resilient?

When I asked Onwuachi where his resilience comes from, he emphasized the importance of "having people in your corner." He explained that he calls a good friend when times are tough, and this social support helps him work through problems. His strong family ties, despite an abusive father, and his ability to build supportive social networks also contribute to his resilience.

Onwuachi is a master problem solver who isn’t afraid to ask for help. He embraces failure as a learning experience, telling an audience that “true failure is not trying.” While hoping for the best, he prepares for the worst, creating systems and spreadsheets that help him manage huge workloads.

Cooking was how Onwuachi found meaning from a young age. In his book, he describes a time when he hit rock bottom and "never felt so alone or so rootless." He was "hungover, strung out, and depressed" and felt the world was moving forward without him. To pull himself out of this funk, he cooked chicken curry, a dish that reminded him of home and real love.

Like his grandfather, Onwuachi promotes racial justice and equality, which gives him meaning and purpose beyond his cooking. In his book, he provides many examples of efforts to combat racism and promote more inclusivity in restaurant kitchens.

Onwuachi’s sense of humor helps him maintain a positive outlook. His interview with Trevor Noah highlights his natural self-deprecating humor and his ability to view adverse events from a more positive framework. 

Onwuachi’s story is an inspiration and a reminder that all of us can overcome trauma and hardship. Like Onwuachi, are you incorporating resilience factors into your life?

Do you have a resilience story you’d like to share?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

Use Photography to Rebuild Your Resilience

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For many of us, COVID-19 has been traumatic. Years of chronic stress have worn us down and many of us are struggling with low resilience. When I was diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder after my service in Iraq, I used photography to explore my feelings, establish self-awareness, and deal with emotional conflicts. Thanks to photography, I fully recovered.

I’m not the only person who used photography to recover from mental illness. In this powerful TedTalk, Bryce Evans describes how he beat depression through the use of photography. He now teaches people how to use therapeutic photography to learn, heal, and grow.

Several research studies confirm the power of photography for improving wellbeing. One study found that taking a daily photo improved well-being through self-care, community interaction, and the potential for reminiscence. It led to more exercise and provided a sense of purpose, competence, and achievement. Posting the photo online helped people to manage loneliness and grief and to meet new people with shared interests.

Other researchers found that a photography project for women living with HIV/AIDs supported their mental health. It facilitated empowerment and helped women express themselves. It also provided new tools that helped them process past traumas.

Veterans in out-patient mental health treatment who enrolled in a six-week photography workshop reported a positive impact on their recovery. Taking photographs while in recovery improved their personal reflection and organization of thinking. Photography also promoted recovery discussions, communication, social support, and a sense of purpose.

Photography also fosters the five resilience factors in the following ways:

Self-Care

Taking time to recover is essential for taking care of ourselves. While meditation is the best way to rest our brains by focusing on only one thing at a time, I’ve never been able to meditate. Instead, photography is my meditation. Photography is a mindfulness practice that forces me to focus on the present and leaves me feeling calm and rested.

Problem-Solving

Learning to accept what we cannot control or influence is a powerful problem-solving skill. Photography is one of the best ways to develop this skill since we are forced to accept current conditions and adapt our camera settings to create an appealing photograph. When we use our mental muscles to accept what we cannot control in photography, it helps us do the same in other areas of our lives.

Positive Outlook

Reframing is one of the best ways to shift from a negative to a more positive view of any situation. Luckily, photographers reframe all the time. We’ll explore a subject through different frames until we find the most effective photograph. We may take a wide-angle view, or use a macro for a close-up. We’ll look at a subject from different angles to find the most positive image. Learning to reframe will also help us avoid getting stuck in negativity, and instead find a new, more positive way of viewing something.

Meaning and Purpose

Having a passion is a powerful way to bring meaning and purpose into your life. I’m passionate about photography and spend time watching instructional videos, taking classes, and reading books. When I’m feeling stressed, I research possible photography trips or learn a new photography technique.

Social Support

Photographers are great people and a very welcoming community. There are photography clubs and MeetUps in most cities that are easily accessible. Many people take photography tours regularly, making new friends every trip. As an introvert, I find photography related events appealing because I don’t feel as drained of energy afterward.

After a trauma or period of chronic stress, I use photography to rebuild my resilience. Are you a photographer? What impact has photography has on your resilience and wellbeing?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.  

How to Build Resilience by Making Friends

Photo by Alexis Brown on Unsplash

Having social support from close friends or family is an essential resilience factor. Studies show that those with strong friendships are far more resilient in many settings, whether dealing with difficult work situations, a severe medical illness, or even the loss of a loved one. In this TED talk, Robert Waldinger reports on a longitudinal study that confirms the value of positive social relationships.

Unfortunately, as we get busier with our everyday responsibilities, such as work and family, we tend to put our friendships on the back burner. Men are more at risk than women, with many having no friends as they approach middle age.

Making friends isn't easy, and it can become harder for adults who don't have natural forums for meeting and getting to know new people. We may have a lot of acquaintances, but it can be challenging to transition those relationships into friendships.

The good news is that you don’t need to be an extrovert or have a million friends. A single close friendship is enough to build your resilience.

Do you want to build your resilience through better friendships? Here are some tips on how to do it:

Create New Connections

If you don't have friends in your area, reach out to special interest groups, such as clubs or meetups. Volunteer with a local charitable organization. Attend a religious service. Invite a work colleague for a cup of coffee. Reaching out can be a challenge for shy people, so if you need some motivation, set targets for yourself, such as meeting one new person a week.

Strengthen Existing Connections

Even people who are married or have many friends can feel lonely. If you are married or have a partner, consider ways you can deepen or revitalize that relationship. If you've been neglecting some old friendships, reach out to these friends to connect over coffee and catch up. Consider carving an extra hour or two out of your week to schedule lunch or dinner with a close friend regularly.

Spend Time in Person

While the internet can be a powerful tool to connect people, there is no substitute for ample face-to-face time when sustaining and nurturing our relationships. Friendships take time to develop. Researcher Jeffrey Hall found that while casual friendships emerge after only 30 hours spent together, close friendships do not develop until after 300 hours spent together. He noted the importance of talking, catching up, joking, and having meaningful conversations.

When Stressed, Reach Out

An essential part of building resilience is accepting help from the people who are important to you. If you are struggling with stress or a tough situation, lean on a friend for some support. Asking for help is a great way to make yourself feel better and can deepen the bond you have with that friend.

Check out this blog for more tips on making friends in your 30s, 40s, 50s, and beyond.

How do you make and nurture your friendships?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. is an Inspiring Resilience Role Model

This week we celebrate the life and legacy of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., a man who brought hope and healing to America. Thanks to his resilience, Dr. King was able to accomplish goals that seemed impossible and out of reach.

Dr. King's resilience allowed him to be flexible, adapt quickly, and collaborate well with others. He made quick and effective decisions in a crisis and persisted despite adversity.

What made Dr. King such a resilient person and a leader who inspired resilience within the civil rights community?

Religion

A few years ago, I visited Montgomery, Alabama, and was privileged to tour the church where Dr. King served as a pastor. I learned how much Dr. King looked to his religion for meaning and purpose. While having a religious belief is not required for resilience, studies consistently show that being a member of a religious community can enhance resilience.

Social Support

Dr. King reached out to his wife Coretta, the rest of his immediate family, and members of their church to support and encourage him during his years of struggle. When I toured his home in Montgomery, the guides described the importance he placed on his family and how they would host social gatherings to draw support from friends in the community. Dr. King surrounded himself with people whom he could lean on and who helped him endure.

Recovery Time

Dr. King's days were long and arduous. They took a toll on him physically and mentally. What struck me when visiting his home was how he created space for contemplation and recovery. He would spend hours in his office praying, reading, and thinking. Taking this time allowed him to recover from stress and hardship.

Altruism

Dr. King believed strongly in helping others. When sanitation workers went on strike in Memphis, he gave his support because he wanted to help others in need. Staff at the Civil Rights Museum in Memphis told me that Dr. King was tempted not to go to the church to give his Mountaintop speech because it was pouring rain, and he was tired. Dr. King went anyway because he wanted to support the striking workers. In this remarkable speech, he explained that the question he posed to himself was not, "If I stop to help this man in need, what will happen to me?" The question was, "If I do not stop to help the sanitation workers, what will happen to them?"

Reframing

Dr. King was a master at reframing negative situations, which allowed him to maintain a positive outlook despite tragedy. He knew that staying mired in negativity and hatred would erode his resilience and lead to bitterness. In his famous "I Have a Dream" speech, he reframed the civil rights movement from a struggle of mighty proportions to an inspiring dream embraced by many.

Staying positive wasn't always easy, especially when white extremists bombed his house. In his autobiography, he wrote: “While I lay in that quiet front bedroom, I began to think of the viciousness of people who would bomb my home. I could feel the anger rising when I realized that my wife and baby could have been killed. I was once more on the verge of corroding hatred. And once more I caught myself and said: ‘You must not allow yourself to become bitter.’ ”

How do you draw inspiration from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.?

 ___________________________ 

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

Stop When You've Done Enough

American culture often pushes us to do more. We think if we spend more time on a project, we can make it even better. If we put in more hours at work, we'll get that promotion.

Recently, a neighbor encouraged me to add more laps to my morning swim, arguing that if I'm not doing more, then I'm going backward.

While striving to do more can inspire many of us to do great things, it also risks eroding our resilience. Too often, the compulsion to do more or trying to make it even better sucks up the time and energy we should be spending on self-care and fostering social networks, two critical resilience factors.

Attempting to be the best at everything often makes us unhappy and unfulfilled, and risks not being good at anything. This constant need to do more is also one reason we have an epidemic of burnout, and too many employees report they are overworked and exhausted.

Research provides some insights into how to break out of a do more cycle. It turns out that satisficers, people who stop at good enough, are happier than maximizers, people who feel they must always choose the best option.

Psychologist Barry Smith, author of The Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less, found that people who are satisficers are generally more optimistic, happier, and less regretful than people who are maximizers. He did a study of college seniors looking for jobs and found that maximizers got better jobs but felt worse about the jobs they got than satisficers did.

Stopping when you’ve done enough does not mean submitting mediocre work, shirking responsibilities, or not aspiring to excellence. Instead, it’s determining what excellence looks like ahead of time and stopping once you’ve reached it.

As a supervisor, I regularly saw better performance from staff who knew when to stop than those who tried to be perfect. And, the employees who knew when to stop were able to complete more work because they weren’t bogged down with a single project.

Here are some tips on how you can stop when you’ve done enough:

Define Enough

Sit down with people close to you and talk about your personal, professional, and financial goals. What does enough feel and look like for you? When you get a new work project, discuss with your supervisor what level of effort is required and what result is enough to achieve the project goals.

Write Down Your Goals

After you decide what enough looks like, write it down. Written goals will help you resist the temptation to shift the goal post once you've accomplished enough. Revisit these written goals regularly.

Resist Social Pressure

Recognize that there is a lot of social pressure to do more and use your written goals to help resist this pressure. If people push you to do more, let them know that you are satisfied and happy where you are.

Calculate the Opportunity Costs

Many of us focus only on the positive results of doing more and forget to calculate the costs. If you spend two more hours on a project, what won't you do instead, and is it worth it?

It’s OK to Change Your Mind

It's perfectly fine to change your mind and set new goals but do so with intention and input from people who know and care about you as a person. Make sure you're setting new goals because of what you want, not what society is pressuring you to do.

Don’t Be a Perfectionist

Remind yourself that the need for perfection is rare. Most of us are not brain surgeons or rocket scientists where anything less than perfect can cause death or significant financial loss. Ask yourself whether 80% or 90% is good enough. Evaluate the worst-case scenario if you do 80% and decide whether you can live with that outcome.

Do you stop when you’ve done enough? What helps you be a satisficer instead of a maximizer?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

Want to Be More Resilient? Try Engaging in These Activities

Since resilience is a state of being, our level of resilience is constantly changing. Sometimes we feel very resilient, which allows us to be more adaptive, flexible, and collaborative.

After experiencing high stress or trauma, we may find our resilience has slipped and we know this because we become more irritable or moody, or maybe we have trouble sleeping (see characteristics of low resilience).

To develop and maintain your resilience, you can incorporate resilience enhancing activities into your regular routine. When you sense your resilience slipping, increase the time you spend on these activities to give yourself a resilience boost. 

Luckily, there are hundreds of activities you can engage in that build resilience. Here are just a few examples divided by the five resilience factors:

Self-Care

• Exercise regularly

• Dance

• Sleep 7-9 hours per night

• Eat a healthy diet

• Drink plenty of water

• Avoid toxic people

• Schedule down time for yourself

• Take a vacation

• Take a mental health day

• Engage in breathing exercises

• Get a pet

• Manage your workload

• Engage in quiet reflection and contemplation

• Meditate, practice mindfulness, pray

• Play sports and games

• Read fiction

• Engage in a hobby

• Sing or play music

Social Support

• Work on your relationships with friends and family

• Talk about what you’re going through with a trusted friend or mentor

• Nurture new relationships

• Commit to regular social interaction (virtual during coronavirus)

• Ask a friend or colleague to lunch (virtual during coronavirus)

• Host a dinner party or social gathering (virtual during coronavirus)

• Join a club/team

• Organize an interest group

• Develop peer mentors

Problem Solving

• Ask for help

• Set boundaries and say no

• Ask questions and be a good listener

• Anticipate change and view change as an opportunity for growth

• Give yourself adequate time to process change

• Identify and address the source of problems you’re facing

• Develop a logical way to work through problems – ask why

• Prioritize people and things that are important to you

• Focus on things that you have control over

• Use a to-do list

• Know when to quit

• Drop burdens and negative thoughts

Meaning & Purpose

• Volunteer

• Join a religious community

• Write down your personal and professional goals

• Engage in activities that bring you a sense of personal satisfaction and fulfillment

• Have a passion for something

• Take time to think about the feelings of others

• Identify your core values

• Self-reflect about your meaning and purpose in life

Positive Outlook

• Focus on the part of your life that is going well

• Limit negative and self-defeating thoughts

• Visualize yourself being successful and happy

• Keep a gratitude journal

• Write down three good things each day

• Compliment other people

• Reframe how you view negative events

• Show authentic appreciation to others

What do you do to build resilience? What can you start doing today?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

How to Prevent the Holidays From Eroding Your Resilience

The next few months may be rough for many people. Many of us will miss our traditional gatherings with family and friends. Non-Christians may feel excluded and isolated.

While winter holidays can be joyful and rewarding, they can also be emotional and stressful. There might be stress at work over who gets to take annual leave for important holidays.

Some families find the pressure of deciding which relatives to visit or host on meaningful days overwhelming. There’s even more stress this year since we have to decide whether or not to cancel holiday gatherings. We may travel long distances to be with family, which is exhausting in ordinary years and precarious this year.

There may be endless parties and an expectation to be cheerful. There may be social pressure to celebrate on New Year's Eve when we'd rather curl up with a good book. Watching everyone else have fun can be incredibly lonely for people without close friends or family.

If you find the holiday season particularly stressful, develop a strategy for staying resilient. Here are some tips that might help:

Build Social Support

If the holidays make you feel lonely, be proactive about finding people with whom to spend time either virtually or with social distancing. Let people know that you'd love to be invited to their virtual events. Host a virtual holiday event or a safe in-person gathering and invite others who would otherwise be solo.

Make Time to Recover

While it can be tempting to visit loved ones over the holidays, understand the risks you are taking. If you plan to travel, build in time to recover by carving out time just for yourself. If you can, add a day or two of vacation that is just for you and immediate family.

Say No

Clarify your holiday boundaries ahead of time and communicate those boundaries to family and friends. Say no when requests come in that are outside of your boundaries, explaining the reasoning beyond your decision.

 For example, a boundary could be that you travel only once every holiday season. When requests come in for additional travel, you can explain that you find that more than one trip is too much for you and your family over the holidays, and you hope to make a trip later.

 Another boundary could be that you will only spend time with people outside of your household if you all agree to stay outdoors and maintain social distance.

Volunteer

Consider volunteering at a local organization that helps others during the holidays. You can find meaning and purpose in what may otherwise have been an empty or lonely celebration by helping others.

Reframe

If you don't get to take leave over the holidays this year, ask yourself if anything positive can come from working during the holidays. Are you earning points at work for pitching in over the holidays? Would taking leave at another time spare you the horrors of holiday travel during a pandemic?

If you have to cancel traditional gatherings, remind yourself that you’ll all hopefully be together next year.

Manage Your Indulgences

While it is fun to indulge in holiday treats, resist the temptation to stress eat or drink. If you find yourself getting overstressed, make sure you continue to eat enough fruits and vegetables and try to set a limit on indulgences.

Permit People to Opt-Out

Recognize that some people find the holiday season extremely difficult to navigate, especially this year. Be understanding if they opt-out of the office party or family gathering. Resist pressuring them to "have holiday fun."

What helps you stay resilient during the holidays?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter.

How to Build Resilience in Light of the Coronavirus

Image by iXimus from Pixabay

Over the past several weeks, I have watched the latest coronavirus (officially known as COVID-19) spread across the globe. It has disrupted travel, stock markets, and many peoples’ daily lives. While there is still a slim possibility you’ll contract the virus, now is the time to think about how you’ll stay resilient during an outbreak.

Since resilience impacts our immune system, building and maintaining high resilience can help your body defend against viruses and bacteria. Resilience will also help you better manage if you or a loved one is infected. It will help you adapt if there are closures or significant changes in your daily life. And, you’ll be more likely to bounce back quickly and fully (and possibly bounce forward) from any negative impact this crisis may have on you.

Here are ways you can build and maintain your resilience given the coronavirus:

Focus on What You Can Control

The coronavirus is unsettling because so much is out of our control. Ruminating about things you cannot control will erode your resilience. Instead, focus on what you can impact. Review the latest CDC information and guidelines and prepare your emergency plan. Seek news and updates only from reliable sources.

Take Care of Yourself

Prioritize getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising, and making time to recover. Use a potential coronavirus outbreak as an opportunity to review your regular routines and make changes if needed for better self-care.

Help Others

Research shows that helping other people will build your resilience. Reach out to your community to see if there are ways you can help with preparations. Donate funds to organizations that support communities hit by the virus. Donate blood to prevent shortages during an outbreak.

Seek Out Social Support

While it may be tempting to isolate yourself to prevent infection, it is essential that you maintain your social support. Get to know your neighbors and local community members. Make sure you can communicate with friends and family virtually if necessary.

Laugh

Maintaining a positive outlook is a key resilience factor. If you’re binging on Netflix, watch comedies. Seek out friends and family who make you laugh. Watch funny videos on social media.

What are you doing to build your resilience in light of the coronavirus?

I help individuals and teams thrive in adversity by providing practical skills and tools I developed over several decades as a U.S. diplomat in challenging environments. Visit my website to learn more about how I can help you and your team better adapt to stress and adversity. With resilience skills and tools, you and your team will be more creative, innovative, and collaborative. Resilient individuals and teams are less likely to suffer from burnout and are more open to change. Follow me on Facebook and Twitter at @payneresilience.