How to Reframe Negative Thoughts

Photo by Pine Watt on Unsplash

Human beings are hardwired to be aware of and avoid danger, which means we are often scanning the world for negativity. Negativity is highly contagious, which means you're more likely to be impacted by someone else's pessimistic viewpoint than an optimistic outlook.

We are also more likely to remember negative encounters instead of positive interactions. While our brain stores bad news into long-term memory quickly, we need more time for positive experiences to transfer from short-term to long-term memory. Psychologist Dr. Rick Hanson describes it this way: “The brain is like Velcro for negative experiences but Teflon for positive ones.”

Unfortunately, too much negativity will erode our resilience, and since negativity is contagious, it can have a corrosive impact on relationships and group cohesion. To stay resilient, we need to make a conscious effort to counter negative thoughts and focus instead on the positive.

It’s important to acknowledge the negativity since suppressing negative emotions or ignoring bad news will cause harm in the long run. When we spend energy suppressing negative emotions, we often don't have any leftover for more positive behaviors such as exercise or eating well. We also risk an explosion of emotion or moodiness when we can no longer keep emotions suppressed.

Reframing is a simple concept that shifts our thinking from the negative to a more positive approach. Underlying beliefs and assumptions frame every thought. Challenging our beliefs and assumptions by trying out different frames will help us think differently. For example, if I find out that I did not receive a coveted job, my first thought could be that I am not good enough, and my work is undervalued.

By stepping away from that thought and framing the issue differently, I can view this news in a more positive light - my work is excellent; the selected candidate was just a better fit. A long term view may remind me that I've been rejected before and have been very happy with the jobs I eventually received.

A reframe needs to be genuine; otherwise, our brain will stay stuck in a negative frame. If you don't believe that your work is excellent or the selected candidate was a better fit, then don't use those assumptions to reframe. 

Resist the temptation to reframe for others. When someone else reframes for us, it can feel dismissive or communicate a lack of empathy. Instead, ask questions that prompt the other person to reframe on their own. For example, if a colleague complains about their boss, ask them, "what do you like about your boss?" or "how does your boss compare to previous bosses?"

Here are some reframing questions to ask yourself or others:

• What positive things could come from this?

• How could you benefit from the situation?

• What opportunities will this experience provide you?

• What is another way of looking at this?

• How does this look in the long-term?

• How does this look in the short-term?

• How else could you interpret this experience?

• What are other possible reasons this could have happened?

• What can you learn from this?

• What concerned you the most about the option you didn’t get?

What helps you reframe negative thoughts?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. is an Inspiring Resilience Role Model

This week we celebrate the life and legacy of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., a man who brought hope and healing to America. Thanks to his resilience, Dr. King was able to accomplish goals that seemed impossible and out of reach.

Dr. King's resilience allowed him to be flexible, adapt quickly, and collaborate well with others. He made quick and effective decisions in a crisis and persisted despite adversity.

What made Dr. King such a resilient person and a leader who inspired resilience within the civil rights community?

Religion

A few years ago, I visited Montgomery, Alabama, and was privileged to tour the church where Dr. King served as a pastor. I learned how much Dr. King looked to his religion for meaning and purpose. While having a religious belief is not required for resilience, studies consistently show that being a member of a religious community can enhance resilience.

Social Support

Dr. King reached out to his wife Coretta, the rest of his immediate family, and members of their church to support and encourage him during his years of struggle. When I toured his home in Montgomery, the guides described the importance he placed on his family and how they would host social gatherings to draw support from friends in the community. Dr. King surrounded himself with people whom he could lean on and who helped him endure.

Recovery Time

Dr. King's days were long and arduous. They took a toll on him physically and mentally. What struck me when visiting his home was how he created space for contemplation and recovery. He would spend hours in his office praying, reading, and thinking. Taking this time allowed him to recover from stress and hardship.

Altruism

Dr. King believed strongly in helping others. When sanitation workers went on strike in Memphis, he gave his support because he wanted to help others in need. Staff at the Civil Rights Museum in Memphis told me that Dr. King was tempted not to go to the church to give his Mountaintop speech because it was pouring rain, and he was tired. Dr. King went anyway because he wanted to support the striking workers. In this remarkable speech, he explained that the question he posed to himself was not, "If I stop to help this man in need, what will happen to me?" The question was, "If I do not stop to help the sanitation workers, what will happen to them?"

Reframing

Dr. King was a master at reframing negative situations, which allowed him to maintain a positive outlook despite tragedy. He knew that staying mired in negativity and hatred would erode his resilience and lead to bitterness. In his famous "I Have a Dream" speech, he reframed the civil rights movement from a struggle of mighty proportions to an inspiring dream embraced by many.

Staying positive wasn't always easy, especially when white extremists bombed his house. In his autobiography, he wrote: “While I lay in that quiet front bedroom, I began to think of the viciousness of people who would bomb my home. I could feel the anger rising when I realized that my wife and baby could have been killed. I was once more on the verge of corroding hatred. And once more I caught myself and said: ‘You must not allow yourself to become bitter.’ ”

How do you draw inspiration from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.?

 ___________________________ 

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

How to Prevent the Holidays From Eroding Your Resilience

The next few months may be rough for many people. Many of us will miss our traditional gatherings with family and friends. Non-Christians may feel excluded and isolated.

While winter holidays can be joyful and rewarding, they can also be emotional and stressful. There might be stress at work over who gets to take annual leave for important holidays.

Some families find the pressure of deciding which relatives to visit or host on meaningful days overwhelming. There’s even more stress this year since we have to decide whether or not to cancel holiday gatherings. We may travel long distances to be with family, which is exhausting in ordinary years and precarious this year.

There may be endless parties and an expectation to be cheerful. There may be social pressure to celebrate on New Year's Eve when we'd rather curl up with a good book. Watching everyone else have fun can be incredibly lonely for people without close friends or family.

If you find the holiday season particularly stressful, develop a strategy for staying resilient. Here are some tips that might help:

Build Social Support

If the holidays make you feel lonely, be proactive about finding people with whom to spend time either virtually or with social distancing. Let people know that you'd love to be invited to their virtual events. Host a virtual holiday event or a safe in-person gathering and invite others who would otherwise be solo.

Make Time to Recover

While it can be tempting to visit loved ones over the holidays, understand the risks you are taking. If you plan to travel, build in time to recover by carving out time just for yourself. If you can, add a day or two of vacation that is just for you and immediate family.

Say No

Clarify your holiday boundaries ahead of time and communicate those boundaries to family and friends. Say no when requests come in that are outside of your boundaries, explaining the reasoning beyond your decision.

 For example, a boundary could be that you travel only once every holiday season. When requests come in for additional travel, you can explain that you find that more than one trip is too much for you and your family over the holidays, and you hope to make a trip later.

 Another boundary could be that you will only spend time with people outside of your household if you all agree to stay outdoors and maintain social distance.

Volunteer

Consider volunteering at a local organization that helps others during the holidays. You can find meaning and purpose in what may otherwise have been an empty or lonely celebration by helping others.

Reframe

If you don't get to take leave over the holidays this year, ask yourself if anything positive can come from working during the holidays. Are you earning points at work for pitching in over the holidays? Would taking leave at another time spare you the horrors of holiday travel during a pandemic?

If you have to cancel traditional gatherings, remind yourself that you’ll all hopefully be together next year.

Manage Your Indulgences

While it is fun to indulge in holiday treats, resist the temptation to stress eat or drink. If you find yourself getting overstressed, make sure you continue to eat enough fruits and vegetables and try to set a limit on indulgences.

Permit People to Opt-Out

Recognize that some people find the holiday season extremely difficult to navigate, especially this year. Be understanding if they opt-out of the office party or family gathering. Resist pressuring them to "have holiday fun."

What helps you stay resilient during the holidays?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter.