My Last Blog

Thanks so much for subscribing to my Resilience Tips blog. I hope these weekly resilience tips have helped you thrive despite the challenges we’ve all faced over the past several years.

I’ve decided to focus on other priorities and will no longer be writing and distributing new blog posts. If you miss these weekly resilience boosts, you can access all of my blogs at payneresilience.com/blog. Or, subscribe to newsletters from the following excellent resilience websites: Thrive Global, Option B, Dr. Rick Hanson.

As a farewell gift, I’m offering my Resilience Leadership course free of charge to the first 100 people who register before September 24, 2022 using this link.

Take care and stay resilient! Beth Payne

My 10 Favorite Books on Resilience

Are you looking for a good book on resilience? I've read dozens of books on resilience, and these are my favorites.

Resilience: The Science of Mastering Life's Greatest Challenges by Dr. Steven Southwick and Dr. Dennis Charney. Southwick and Charney draw on decades of resilience research and work with trauma survivors to identify ten factors that we can use to cope, become stronger, and build resilience. They use extraordinary stories of a wide range of people to demonstrate how these factors helped them overcome seemingly impossible situations. If you read only one book on resilience, read this one.

The Power of Full Engagement by Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz. Before resilience became a hot topic, Loehr and Schwartz were writing about energy management. They argue that to be fully engaged we must be physically energized, emotionally connected, mentally focused, and spiritually aligned with a purpose beyond our immediate self-interest. Their book explains how managing energy, not time, is the key to enduring high performance as well as to health, happiness, and life balance. They provide a practical, scientifically-based approach to managing your energy more skillfully. 

Thrive by Arianna Huffington. In 2007, Arianna Huffington collapsed from exhaustion, cutting her eye and breaking her cheekbone. Since then, she explored what it means to lead "the good life." She concluded that our relentless pursuit of the two traditional metrics of success - money and power - has led to an epidemic of burnout and stress-related illnesses and an erosion in the quality of our relationships, family life, and, ironically, our careers. Drawing on the latest research and science in the fields of psychology, sports, sleep, and physiology, her book shows us the way to a more fulfilling, successful, and resilient life.

Option B by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant. After the sudden death of her husband, Sheryl Sanberg felt sure that she and her children would never feel pure joy again. Her friend, Adam Grant, a psychologist at Wharton, told her there are concrete steps people can take to recover from and rebound from life-shattering experiences. This book combines Sheryl's insights with Adam's research on resilience in the face of adversity to provide a road map for everyone struggling to overcome hardships.

The Resilience Factor by Karen Reivich and Andrew Shatté. Reivich and Shatté are expert psychologists and a prominent resilience research team. In this book, they reveal seven proven techniques that have helped thousands improve their capacity to handle life's inevitable surprises and setbacks. They demonstrate that it is not what happens to us, but how we respond to what happens that will have the most significant impact on our lives. Their book reminds us that resilience is not only an ability that we're born with and need to survive, but it's also a skill that we can master.

Man’s Search For Meaning: An Introduction to Logotherapy by Viktor E. Frankl. Having meaning and purpose in your life is one of the five resilience factors. Frank wrote this book in 1959, and it still provides one of the best explanations I've read on the power of meaning. While it can be an emotionally challenging book, it is also inspiring and uplifting as you learn how people survived some of the worst situations imaginable. His section on logotherapy, a psychotherapeutic approach based on living purposefully and meaningfully, can be technical for non-psychiatrists but has nuggets of insights that will stay with you always. A reader survey for the U.S. Library of Congress that asked readers to name a "book that made a difference in your life" found Man's Search for Meaning among the ten most influential books in America.

The Power of Meaning: Finding Fulfillment in a World Obsessed With Happiness by Emily Esfahani Smith. If you’re struggling with Man’s Search for Meaning, you might find The Power of Meaning to be a much easier read. Smith has a unique ability to translate complicated science into simple concepts that can be easily understood. She is a skilled storyteller, introducing us to ordinary people and showing us how they incorporate the four pillars of meaning (belonging, purpose, transcendence, and storytelling) into their lives.

Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brené Brown. Brown interviewed dozens of people - from leaders in Fortune 500 companies and the military to artists, teachers, and parents - about how they fell and got back up. She found they all recognized the power of emotion and were able to act despite their discomfort. Brown explains how vulnerability and being our authentic self provides the strength we need to recover from trauma and remain resilient in times of adversity.

Thanks! How Practicing Gratitude Can Make You Happier by Robert A. Emmons. Gratitude is a powerful resilience tool. Emmons reaches beyond science to bolster the case for gratitude by weaving in the writings of philosophers, novelists, and theologians. Thanks! provides inspiration and practical ways to incorporate more gratitude into your life.

All You Have to Do Is Ask: How to Master the Most Important Skill for Success by Wayne Baker. Asking for help, especially when you’re in a crisis, is essential for maintaining resilience. Yet, it is one of the hardest things for many of us to do. Baker shares dozens of tools that individuals and teams can use to make asking for help a personal and organizational habit.

What’s your favorite resilience-related book? Why?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter.

How to Avoid Being a Rude Boss

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When I survey employees and organizations about their resilience, having a rude boss is one of the most common reasons individuals and teams struggle.

There are many ways bosses can be rude. Some walk away from a conversation because they lose interest. Others answer calls or do other work during meetings. Rude bosses openly mock people by pointing out their flaws or personality quirks in front of others. They remind their subordinates of their place in a hierarchal organization. They take all the credit for wins and blame others when problems arise.

The negative impact of incivility in the workplace is clear. Studies show that rudeness reduces performance on both routine and creative tasks. Rude behavior decreased helpfulness. Employees are less creative when they feel disrespected. Some staff minimize their effort or lower the quality of their work. Many get fed up and leave.

Despite the adverse effects, rudeness in the workplace is much too common. Researchers Christine Porath and Christine Pearson surveyed thousands of workers over 14 years, and 98% reported experiencing uncivil behavior in the workplace. In 2011, half said they were treated rudely at least once a week—up from a quarter in 1998. 

When asked why they are rude, many leaders say they are overloaded and don't have time to be nice. Some people fear they will be less leader-like. Others are afraid that they'll be taken advantage of if they are nice at work. Many leaders think they need to flex their muscles to garner power. They are jockeying for position in a competitive workplace and don't want to put themselves at a disadvantage.

Luckily, Porath’s research demonstrates that the opposite is true. Respect doesn’t require extra time. You can be direct and clear without being rude.  People who are seen as civil are more likely to be viewed as leaders, and generally are more likely to perform well and succeed.

Some leaders don't know their behavior is perceived as disrespectful and need feedback from others to realize they are harming their teams. Too many of us are multitasking, which makes it hard to be present and to listen. Email and texts make it easier to take out our frustrations, hurl insults and take people down a notch from a safe distance.

Managers need to actively counter some of these pressures to avoid being uncivil and disrespecting their employees. Here are some ways you can avoid being a rude boss:

No Mobile Devices in Meetings

Don’t look at a mobile device while you’re meeting with an employee. If you are worried about an urgent message, have your assistant monitor emails or phone calls and get you if there is a crisis.

Note Your Office Setup

Set up your office with your back to your phone and computer when you talk to people so you won't be distracted by incoming calls and emails and can give employees 100% of your attention. Put a clock within eye-sight so you can see when to end the conversation without having to look at your watch.

Be Kind

Greet people, and say please and thank you. We often get so busy that we forget to say good morning, and we drop usual pleasantries. Accept that being respectful and civil is a sign of strength, not vulnerability. Being rude will undermine your authority. Being courteous and kind will enhance your leadership.

Ask for Feedback

Conduct a confidential 360 survey or set up a confidential suggestions box and specifically ask for employees to identify behaviors that they perceive as disrespectful.

Understand Your Office Culture

Behavior in one culture that is seen as respectful may not be seen the same way in another culture. Learn the cultural norms in your organization and adapt when necessary.

Talk to People

Don't use email or texts to negotiate, argue, or deliver bad news. Pick up the phone or walk to the person's office instead.

What tips do you have to avoid being rude to your employees?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

What Resilience is Not

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Since the global health pandemic hit, you've probably seen and heard the word resilience a lot. It seems to mean many different things depending on the context and, unfortunately, is often misused.

According to MacMillian Dictionary, the noun resilience, meaning 'the act of rebounding,' was first used in the 1620s and was derived from the Latin term resilire, which means to recoil or rebound.

By the mid-nineteenth century, watchmakers used the term resilience to refer to the flexible qualities of internal components that prevented excessive vibration. In the 1850s, resilience was used to describe being resistant or not susceptible to something. In physics, resilience is the ability of an elastic material (such as rubber or animal tissue) to absorb energy (such as from a blow) and release that energy as it springs back to its original shape.

As you can see, the term resilience adapted to the context in which it was used. It can mean very different things depending on who uses the term and how it is being applied. When I refer to resilient people, I'm describing individuals who adapt successfully in the presence of risk and adversity and bounce back, and possibly bounce forward, from setbacks, trauma, and high stress.

When the term resilience is misused, it can confuse and undermine efforts to improve or maintain our wellbeing. That's why it's also essential to understand what resilience is not. Here are four things resilience is not:

Resilience Isn’t Strength

Resilience is not about being strong. You may be familiar with Aesop’s fable about an oak tree and some reeds. The oak tree bragged about being strong and staying straight and unbending during many storms. While the reeds were not strong, their flexibility and adaptability helped them survive a great hurricane when the oak tree fell. Resilience is about being more like the reeds instead of the oak tree.

Resilience Isn’t Grit

Resilience is also not grit, which is a sustained, consistent effort toward a goal. Perseverance can be a valuable ability but can cause harm when the right action would be to change direction or quit. Resilience involves knowing when to persevere and when to quit.  

Resilience Doesn’t Fix Abuse

Resilience is not the solution to toxic leadership or an abusive work environment. These types of damaging environments can quickly erode team members' resilience, no matter what they do. While some people can survive this type of work environment, they will not thrive. In this situation, resilience is a Band-Aid on a gaping wound. Leaders need to remove toxic individuals and improve the work environment before they focus on building resilience.

Resilience Isn’t All About You

Finally, resilience is not all about you. Someone who is highly resilient can harm people with low resilience if they aren't careful. Focusing only on your wellbeing contributes to the dark side of resilience. We can be so good at taking care of ourselves that we neglect those around us or put too much pressure on people with unrealistic expectations. The best resilience ensures the health and wellbeing of everyone on our teams and in our communities.

How do you define resilience? What do you think resilience is not?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

How to Know if Your Team Has Low Resilience

Team resilience is the capacity of a group of people to respond to change and disruption in a flexible and innovative manner. In the face of adversity, resilient teams maintain their work productivity while minimizing the emotional toll on team members. 

A team’s resilience can vary depending on how well resilience is fostered within the group and the amount of stress, change, and trauma the team is experiencing at any given time.

Teams with high resilience are more innovative, proactive, and collaborative. They are excellent problem solvers and work through conflict. Teams with low resilience struggle to achieve their goals.

Given the stress caused by the coronavirus, your team may be struggling. To get a sense of your team’s resilience, look at the following factors:

Sick Leave

How much sick leave are team members taking? Are most employees exhausting their sick leave? High rates of minor illness may indicate low resilience.

Interoffice Conflict

How well do employees collaborate? Are there simmering feuds among staff? Do employees avoid each other? How much do employees interact in staff meetings? Constant unresolved conflict between staff members may be a sign of low resilience.

Planning

Do employees plan for the future? Are they proactive, anticipating issues, or are they reactive, only responding to daily taskings? Lack of future planning is common when there is low resilience.

Staff Turnover

Is there high turnover among staff? Would employees take a new job even without a promotion or salary increase? High turnover is a red flag for low resilience.

Productivity

Is productivity low? While it can be hard to tell whether productivity is suffering due to lack of staff and resources or low resilience, compare productivity with previous time periods. If productivity is lower than it has been in the past despite no change in staff and resources, it may be caused by low resilience.

Problem-Solving

Are team members overwhelmed by simple problems? Do they get stuck once they hit a barrier? How much innovation do you see among the staff? Teams with low resilience struggle to problem solve.

Morale

Are people generally happy in their jobs? How do they feel at the end of the day? Do they look forward to coming to work? Low morale may be a sign of low resilience.

Reckless Behavior

Are staff members not following the rules or being insubordinate? Is their behavior reckless, with little regard for the impact on themselves or others? Reckless behavior may increase if there is low resilience.

If you find that your team’s resilience is low, check out my blog on the 7Cs of team resilience to learn more about how you can support your team.

What helps you identify whether your team has low resilience?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

Want to Be More Resilient? Drop Your Stones

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Dr. Rick Hanson writes extensively about resilience and provides practical tools for improving our well-being. One of my favorites is his suggestion to "drop our stones." He explains that most of us are lugging around at least one thing, which is a needless burden.

According to Dr. Hanson, a burden may be "holding on to resentments, worrying over and over about the same thing, or trying to make someone love you who won't. Perhaps it's an unrealistic standard you keep failing to meet, an old quarrel you keep rehashing, or something addictive you can't do in moderation, so you're always thinking about it."

It could be an old shame, disappointment, or loss. Or a chronic tension in your body or armor around your heart. Maybe it's a rigid belief or righteous indignation.

Carrying these burdens is like a load on your back, a heavy weight in your hand.

Dr. Hanson is not suggesting we turn away from pain, stop caring about others, or avoid ambitious goals. It's healthy to feel sadness, hurt, or worry. We must keep faith, bet on ourselves, and dream big dreams.

Instead, we want to avoid being sucked into repetitive preoccupations that erode our resilience. Negative brain preoccupations can cause us to ruminate and reinforce negative thinking. We may feel trapped and overburdened.  

To avoid this, we need to drop the stones that weigh us down.

Dr. Hanson suggests we pick one stone we'd like to drop this year. He says to "decide for yourself what, if anything, is reasonable or useful about it. Know in your heart what is worth taking into account and what is just needless, worthless excess suffering."

Then, deliberately carry that stone for a few seconds or longer. Think about it, worry about it, and get sad or mad. You want to know how it feels so that it becomes easier to drop the stone if you pick it up again later.

Then, resolve to stop picking up the stone. According to Dr. Hanson, you want to determine how to disengage from it, stop allying with it, and get hijacked by it. It may keep mumbling away in the background, but at least you can stop adding to its weight. Be strong inside your mind. In the same way, you could step back from someone being harmful, and you can step back from old habit patterns.

Shift your attention to other things, ideally the opposite of your stone. This could be forgiving yourself for old shame, turning toward healthy pleasures and away from unhealthy ones, or seeing the big picture of everything that's working if you've gotten preoccupied with something that's not.

With repetition, you'll be more likely to default to these new objects of attention instead of the burden you’ve decided to drop.

Every year, commit to dropping one more stone. As you shed your stones, feel the lightness that comes. Experience how much room you now have for more positive energy.

Have you dropped any stones? What impact has it had on you?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

How Your Email Habits Can Damage Your Team's Resilience

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Many managers are not aware of how their email habits impact the people they supervise. Now that many of us are working remotely, we may be tempted to engage in some email bad habits that can harm our team's resilience.

In 2018, the Harvard Business Review published an article describing efforts to quantify how some leadership habits impact teams. The authors found a significant and consistent correlation between the number of times managers send emails after-hours (late nights and weekends) and the amount of time their direct reports do the same. For example, in one company, they found that for every hour managers spend sending emails after-hours, their direct reports are putting in an additional 20 minutes on after-hour emails.

The authors analyzed Sunday night email patterns since many people like to get a head start on their week by catching up on Sunday evenings. Most people do this with no intention that email recipients will read or respond right away. However, the authors found that when managers start their workweek on Sunday night, so do their direct reports.

Intentionally or not, managers who frequently email after hours are signaling an expectation of similar behavior to their teams, who then respond in kind.

The growth of after-hours emails can be harmful. Gallup research found that employees who email for work and spend more hours working remotely outside of regular working hours are more likely to experience a substantial amount of stress on any given day than people who do not exhibit these behaviors.

It can also be tempting to email during virtual meetings. Managers who multitask during meetings signal that it's OK not to pay attention. According to Harvard Business Review, managers who frequently check and send emails during meetings are 2.2 times more likely to have direct reports who also multitask in meetings. Many people try to justify multitasking since they are overwhelmed with work. They think they are more productive, when, in reality, multitasking reduces productivity.

According to Harvard Business Review, when we shoot off a quick email during a meeting, we miss that part of the conversation. We – and others – may not even notice, but it means we have gaps in our understanding of what took place. That can lead to different interpretations of a decision, missed opportunities to provide critical guidance, or inconsistent follow-through on action agreements. Beyond that, multitasking can signal to others that we do not value their time or their contributions.

Every manager, even the best, can fall into the trap of after-hours emailing and multitasking at meetings, especially during this health crisis. When you're tempted, remind yourself that while this one time may seem harmless on the surface, you risk eroding your team's resilience if it becomes a habit.

To resist temptation, turn off your phone and put it away during meetings. If you want to draft email after-hours, schedule your replies to go out during regular working hours.

How do you prevent yourself from emailing on evenings, weekends, and during meetings?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

How to Maintain Resilience When You Work 24/7

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Many people are required to be available for work 24/7. We carry mobile devices that we regularly check after hours for emails, and we are expected to be able to respond to a text or phone call immediately, even when on vacation. Today's "new normal," with many of us working remotely, has increased the pressure on employees to be available around the clock.

The problem with this work style is that it rarely allows for true leisure time. Employees have less control over non-work activities and less time for recovery.

One study linked extended work availability - not being at work but expected to be available by phone or email - with decreased calmness and energy levels. The possibility of being needed to work was enough to impede recovery.

In this study, participants showed elevated cortisol levels when on-call, similar to cortisol levels due to job stress. The authors speculated that the body was preparing for the anticipated stress.

In contrast, participants who did not think about work or were detached from their work had lower cortisol levels and were more likely to recoup their energies and improve their moods. "Non-work hours during which employees are expected to respond to work issues constrain employee behavior," say the authors of the current study, "and cannot be considered leisure time."

While it is hard to create recovery time given the realities of a 24/7 work environment, doing so will help you maintain your resilience despite the constant stress. Here are some tips on how to make time for recovery when 24/7 is your work reality:

Set Times for Emails

Identify ahead of time how often and at what times you will check your work email after hours. Communicate this information to your boss and your team. Turn off your email notifications. Setting a time will prevent you from continually checking during your time off.

Establish a Duty Roster

Even an informal duty roster can give fellow teammates time off from checking email. Identify who will be reviewing emails and who won't. Inform the person on duty when you want to get a phone call or text about something urgent.

Trust Your Backup

Go on vacation and empower the person who fills in for you. Ensure they are well briefed on issues and give them the authority to make decisions while you're gone. Then, stay off the email (or read your email at a designated time without responding). You must trust your backup if you want to really be off the clock.

Plan in Advance

Schedule your leave as far in advance as possible. Planning gives everyone more time to prepare for your absence. Don't cancel your vacation unless there is a once-in-a-lifetime, dire emergency. Remember, you can trust your backup to address anything that happens while you're gone.

Set Expectations

When starting a new position or when you get a new boss, discuss expectations of work availability. Make clear what works and does not work for you and why.

Take Short Recovery Breaks

Take several short breaks every day that give you quick recovery periods. Eat lunch away from your desk and mobile device. Take a 10-minute walk. Run a quick errand or watch a funny video.

How do you find time to recover in a 24/7 work environment?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

How to Stay Connected in a Virtual World

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Many people have worked virtually for over two years now. Some companies are incorporating virtual work into the new normal. It’s harder to build and maintain connections with colleagues when you don’t see them in person. We don't have the short, casual conversations we had when we would run into coworkers in the elevator or at the coffee station.

Virtual meetings may have become more structured, without time or opportunity for non-work chit-chat. It’s also harder to chat informally online because it’s so easy to talk over each other.

Having strong connections with coworkers is one of the 7Cs of team resilience, making it more likely your team will respond to change and disruption in a flexible and innovative manner. If your team feels less connected now that you're working virtually, be proactive about rebuilding relationships.

Here are some suggestions on how to stay connected with colleagues in a virtual world:

Make People Feel Good

A close relationship needs positivity, consistency, and vulnerability. If you’re talking with a colleague on a video chat, you want the person to leave your presence feeling good. You can do so by offering compliments, laughing together, helping out, showing empathy, and celebrating each other.

Restructure Meetings

Think about how you run your meetings and add time for personal interaction. For example, start meetings with something that creates affinity - e.g., go around the group and have everyone tell their sweet and sour of the week. If you're having a large group discussion, break into smaller groups that report back - people will be more open and honest in smaller groups and will be more likely to build connections with their teammates. Allow people to join meetings early so they can catch up and chat about other issues. If you're running a meeting, value team sharing as much as productivity. Make time for personal-life sharing during the meeting. Talk about hobbies and what people did over the weekend.

Embrace Being Human

When we're working from home, we see a lot more about our colleagues' personal life than we would in the office. Don't ignore these personal intrusions. If a dog barks in the background, ask about it. If a child enters the screen, chat with them. Acknowledging someone's personal life builds affinity.

Schedule Micro-Moments

Since you're not running into your coworkers at work, be proactive about scheduling micro-moments. Schedule a short virtual coffee date, or share weekly highlights on a Friday phone call. Create Slack channels for posting photographs of pets or employees engaged in their hobbies. Here are some fun ideas for Slack channels that help build connections: https://museumhack.com/5-channels-better-slack-use/.

Create Virtual Team Building Activities

Plan a virtual happy hour or book club. Use a tool such as Google Pixel Art to set up a shared spreadsheet and encourage team members to add to a joint drawing. See where the drawing takes you every time a different team member adds their colors and designs.

What has helped your stay connected to coworkers in your virtual world?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

The Amazing Power of Music in a Crisis

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In the first few months after coronavirus spread throughout the world in 2020, there was an explosion of group singalongs around the world. People sang from their balconies in Italy, the United States, and Canada. Others used technology to sing together virtually.

In Columbus, children played cellos from their porch so an elderly neighbor could hear. A Dutch orchestra gave a virtual performance of Ode to Joy.

There's a reason so many people broke out into song during this health crisis. Music, particularly singing, helps people stay resilient despite chronic stress and adversity. Singing with other people is even more beneficial.

Research suggests that creating music together evolved as a tool of social living. Groups and tribes sang and danced to build loyalty, transmit vital information, and ward off enemies. 

Numerous studies demonstrate that music reduces anxiety and stress, and improves mood and performance. Some research suggests that music enhances our immune system by reducing the stress hormone cortisol and boosting the Immunoglobin A antibody. Researchers found that group singing builds social bonds, strengthening the connections we need for resilience.

Singing may promote a sense of happiness and well-being. Researchers found that people feel more positive after actively singing than they do after passively listening to music or chatting about positive life events. SoundFro.com lists 15 ways singing can benefit your health, including lowering blood pressure, improving memory, and boosting confidence.

In This is Your Brain on Music: The Science of a Human Obsession, rocker turned neuroscientist Daniel J. Levitin writes that music is fundamental to human beings. He argues that music serves as an indicator of cognitive, emotional, and physical health and is evolutionarily advantageous as a force that leads to social bonding and increased fitness.

Luckily, we can all sing. During this crisis, make an effort to sing every day. If you’re bored singing along to the radio or YouTube videos, check out online karaoke sites or join a virtual choir. If you can’t carry a tune, no one will judge your performance in the shower! Do you sing during a crisis?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.