Want to Be More Resilient? Drop Your Stones

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Dr. Rick Hanson writes a lot about resilience and provides some practical tools that improve our well-being. One of my favorites is his suggestion to "drop our stones." He explains that most of us are lugging around at least one thing that is a needless burden.

According to Hanson, a burden may be "holding on to resentments, worrying over and over about the same thing, or trying to make someone love you who won't. Perhaps it's an unrealistic standard you keep failing to meet, an old quarrel you keep rehashing, or something addictive you can't do in moderation, so you're always thinking about it."

It could be an old shame, disappointment, or loss. Or, a chronic tension in your body or armor around your heart. Maybe it's a rigid belief or righteous indignation.

Carrying these burdens is like a load on your back, a heavy weight in your hand.

Hanson is not suggesting we turn away from pain, stop caring about others, or avoid ambitious goals. It's healthy to feel sadness, hurt, or worry. We need to keep faith with ourselves, bet on ourselves, and dream big dreams.

Instead, we want to avoid being sucked into repetitive preoccupations that erode our resilience. Negative preoccupations in our brains can cause us to ruminate and reinforce negative thinking. We may feel trapped and overburdened.  

To avoid this, we need to drop the stones that weigh us down.

Dr. Hanson suggests that we pick one stone we'd like to drop this year. He says, to "decide for yourself what, if anything, is reasonable or useful about it. Know in your heart what is worth taking into account and what is just needless worthless excess suffering."

Then, deliberately carry that stone for a few seconds or longer. Think about it, worry about it, and get sad or mad about it. You want to know how it feels so that it becomes easier to drop the stone if you pick it up again later.

Then, resolve to stop picking up the stone. According to Hanson, you want to "determine to disengage from it, to stop allying with it, and getting hijacked by it. It may keep mumbling away in the background, but at least you can stop adding to its weight. Be strong inside your mind. In much the same way that you could step back from someone who's being harmful, you can step back from old habit patterns."

Shift your attention to other things, ideally those that are the opposite of your stone. This could be forgiving yourself for old shame, or turning toward healthy pleasures and away from unhealthy ones, or seeing the big picture of everything that's working if you've gotten preoccupied with something that's not.

With repetition, you'll be more likely to default to these new objects of attention instead of the burden you’ve decided to drop.

Every year, commit to dropping one more stone. As you shed your stones, feel the lightness that comes. Experience how much room you now have for more positive energy.

Have you dropped any stones? What impact has it had on you?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

Chef Kwame Onwuachi - A Resilience Story

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Chef Kwame Onwuachi’s first restaurant failed after 11 weeks. His failure was very public given his fame as a Top Chef contestant and extensive media attention leading up to the restaurant opening. 

Many people would have struggled to bounce back after this type of failure. Instead, Onwuachi went on to open a popular second restaurant, win a James Beard award, and publish a best-selling memoir.

When I read Onwuachi’s memoir, Notes From a Young Black Chef, I was impressed with his resilience despite overwhelming hardship. He has a long list of traumas, including child abuse, poverty, racism, and hostile work environments. He weathered these and other challenges to achieve his dream of sharing his and other African American stories through cooking.

What makes Onwuachi so resilient?

When I asked Onwuachi where his resilience comes from, he emphasized the importance of "having people in your corner." He explained that he calls a good friend when times are tough, and this social support helps him work through problems. His strong family ties, despite an abusive father, and his ability to build supportive social networks also contribute to his resilience.

Onwuachi is a master problem solver who isn’t afraid to ask for help. He embraces failure as a learning experience, telling an audience that “true failure is not trying.” While hoping for the best, he prepares for the worst, creating systems and spreadsheets that help him manage huge workloads.

Cooking was how Onwuachi found meaning from a young age. In his book, he describes a time when he hit rock bottom and "never felt so alone or so rootless." He was "hungover, strung out, and depressed" and felt the world was moving forward without him. To pull himself out of this funk, he cooked chicken curry, a dish that reminded him of home and real love.

Like his grandfather, Onwuachi promotes racial justice and equality, which gives him meaning and purpose beyond his cooking. In his book, he provides many examples of efforts to combat racism and promote more inclusivity in restaurant kitchens.

Onwuachi’s sense of humor helps him maintain a positive outlook. His interview with Trevor Noah highlights his natural self-deprecating humor and his ability to view adverse events from a more positive framework. 

Onwuachi’s story is an inspiration and a reminder that all of us can overcome trauma and hardship. Like Onwuachi, are you incorporating resilience factors into your life?

Do you have a resilience story you’d like to share?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

How to Use Root Cause Analysis to Be a Better Problem Solver

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Good problem solvers tend to be more resilient because they don't spend mental energy focusing on issues they cannot resolve. Many people fix only on the symptoms of problems, which means they keep recurring. Skilled problem solvers look for underlying systems and processes to develop strategies that resolve issues for good.

One of the best problem-solving tools is Root Cause Analysis. This tool helps people answer the question of why a problem occurred in the first place. It seeks to identify the origin of an issue using a specific set of steps to find the primary cause.

Root Cause Analysis assumes that systems and events are interrelated. An action in one area triggers a response in another, and another, and so on. By tracing back these actions, you can discover where the problem started and how it grew into the symptom you're facing.

For most problems, you'll usually find three basic types of causes:

• Physical: Tangible, material items failed in some way (for example, the copy machine stopped working).

• Human: People did something wrong or did not do something that was needed. Human causes typically lead to physical causes (for example, no one conducted maintenance on the copy machine, so a critical part broke).

• Organizational: A system, process, or policy that people use to make decisions or do their work is faulty (for example, no one person was responsible for maintaining the copy machine, and everyone assumed someone else was conducting maintenance).

With Root Cause Analysis, you look at all three types of causes. It involves investigating the patterns of adverse effects, finding hidden flaws in the system, and discovering specific actions contributing to the problem. This analysis often reveals more than one root cause.

Here are three simple techniques that can help you conduct a Root Cause Analysis:

Five Whys

Toyota Industries developed the "5 Whys" technique in the 1930s. The method is remarkably simple: when a problem occurs, you want to explore the causal chain. You drill down to its root cause by asking "Why?" at least five times. Here's a simple YouTube video on how the "5 Whys" was used to identify the cause of a problem at Toyota.

Fact vs. Opinion

When problem-solving, identify the difference between what you believe (opinion) and what can be proven true or false (fact). Ask yourself, "do I have evidence to back that up?" and "Do I really know that to be true?" While your knowledge and experience are useful, distinguish between what you think may be happening and what you can confirm as fact. Once you can differentiate between fact and opinion, you'll be able to develop more effective strategies to solve a problem. Check out this YouTube video on the difference between fact and opinion.

Current Reality Tree

A Current Reality Tree focuses on cause and effect to identify the root cause of a problem. You start by listing the undesirable effects (UDE). These are assumed to be symptoms of a deeper common cause. Then you construct a graph attempting to link any two UDE using cause-and-effect reasoning. For example, if the first UDE is that the copy machine jams a lot, you then look for another UDE that caused this to happen – e.g., employees don't know how to use the copier properly. Another UDE could be that there is no training on how to use the copier. Keep linking UDEs until they converge on a single root cause. This YouTube video provides a good overview of the Current Reality Tree.

What helps you get to the root of a problem?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

Want to Be More Productive? Empower Your Staff to Say No

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One of the most useful resilience skills you can learn is how and when to say "no." Setting boundaries and saying no improves productivity by allowing time for recovery, training, and building relationships with team members.

Unfortunately, many workplaces are “yes” cultures, where saying “no” is discouraged.

In these cultures, even those of us who are good at saying no may hesitate for fear that colleagues will be disappointed, question our commitment, or not view us as team players. We worry that supervisors will penalize us if we say no, even when it means that our work product and personal life suffer.

A "yes" culture can cripple an organization, especially if senior leaders are big idea generators and staff doesn't push back. Leaders can avoid creating a "yes" culture by fostering an environment in which saying no is encouraged and rewarded. Here are some ways leaders can empower their staff to say no. 

Establish a Rating System

Create a list of criteria for scoring possible new projects. When senior leaders propose a new idea, meet as a team to rate the proposal. Use that rating to help prioritize the value of the suggestion. If the score is low, you have an objective basis for declining and explaining that the project is not a priority at the moment.

Evaluate the Cons

Many of us see only the good that can from a new project or idea and forget to evaluate the cost. As a team, list both the pros and cons of taking on a new project. Look at your assumptions, assess the risk, identify the opportunity cost of what will not get done, and encourage honest exploration of what could go wrong. Don't proceed unless the pros outweigh the negatives.

Celebrate Saying "No"

Publicly praise employees who say no. Be open to changing your mind and, when you do, explain why. Point out how a colleague's "no" helped you avoid making the wrong decision. In staff meetings, ask for dissenting views and thank the contributors.

Don’t Have a Default Answer

While always saying "yes" can be destructive, automatically saying "no" will also cause harm. You don't want your team to gain a reputation for always saying "no" and not contributing to the overall mission. Instead, tell senior leadership you'll review the request with the team and respond soon with a thoughtful answer.

Explain Why You’re Saying “Yes”

When you do say yes, make it clear why “yes” in this case is best for the team.

When your team can confidently pass up opportunities that don't generate enough value, you will have the time to say "yes" to those that matter. When your employees feel comfortable telling you no, you'll find they are more capable and productive. They will feel empowered to speak out on other issues as well. For more guidance on how to say no, check out this blog post.

How do you encourage your employees to say no?

 ___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

Use Photography to Rebuild Your Resilience

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For many of us, COVID-19 has been traumatic. Years of chronic stress have worn us down and many of us are struggling with low resilience. When I was diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder after my service in Iraq, I used photography to explore my feelings, establish self-awareness, and deal with emotional conflicts. Thanks to photography, I fully recovered.

I’m not the only person who used photography to recover from mental illness. In this powerful TedTalk, Bryce Evans describes how he beat depression through the use of photography. He now teaches people how to use therapeutic photography to learn, heal, and grow.

Several research studies confirm the power of photography for improving wellbeing. One study found that taking a daily photo improved well-being through self-care, community interaction, and the potential for reminiscence. It led to more exercise and provided a sense of purpose, competence, and achievement. Posting the photo online helped people to manage loneliness and grief and to meet new people with shared interests.

Other researchers found that a photography project for women living with HIV/AIDs supported their mental health. It facilitated empowerment and helped women express themselves. It also provided new tools that helped them process past traumas.

Veterans in out-patient mental health treatment who enrolled in a six-week photography workshop reported a positive impact on their recovery. Taking photographs while in recovery improved their personal reflection and organization of thinking. Photography also promoted recovery discussions, communication, social support, and a sense of purpose.

Photography also fosters the five resilience factors in the following ways:

Self-Care

Taking time to recover is essential for taking care of ourselves. While meditation is the best way to rest our brains by focusing on only one thing at a time, I’ve never been able to meditate. Instead, photography is my meditation. Photography is a mindfulness practice that forces me to focus on the present and leaves me feeling calm and rested.

Problem-Solving

Learning to accept what we cannot control or influence is a powerful problem-solving skill. Photography is one of the best ways to develop this skill since we are forced to accept current conditions and adapt our camera settings to create an appealing photograph. When we use our mental muscles to accept what we cannot control in photography, it helps us do the same in other areas of our lives.

Positive Outlook

Reframing is one of the best ways to shift from a negative to a more positive view of any situation. Luckily, photographers reframe all the time. We’ll explore a subject through different frames until we find the most effective photograph. We may take a wide-angle view, or use a macro for a close-up. We’ll look at a subject from different angles to find the most positive image. Learning to reframe will also help us avoid getting stuck in negativity, and instead find a new, more positive way of viewing something.

Meaning and Purpose

Having a passion is a powerful way to bring meaning and purpose into your life. I’m passionate about photography and spend time watching instructional videos, taking classes, and reading books. When I’m feeling stressed, I research possible photography trips or learn a new photography technique.

Social Support

Photographers are great people and a very welcoming community. There are photography clubs and MeetUps in most cities that are easily accessible. Many people take photography tours regularly, making new friends every trip. As an introvert, I find photography related events appealing because I don’t feel as drained of energy afterward.

After a trauma or period of chronic stress, I use photography to rebuild my resilience. Are you a photographer? What impact has photography has on your resilience and wellbeing?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.  

How to Create a Work Culture of Asking for Help

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The coronavirus has disrupted our lives for almost two years and it's no surprise that many of us are struggling. The most resilient among us know we can't get through this alone. Instead, we ask colleagues, friends, and families for help.

Organizations that encourage asking for help have been more resilient during this crisis. They adapt more quickly to rapid changes and find solutions to novel problems. Here’s how you can thrive in adversity by fostering a helping culture in your organization:

Understand the Barriers

Take a good look at your organizational culture and identify barriers to asking for help. Are employees who seek advice viewed as weak or inferior? Do senior leaders give the impression that they are superhuman and never need help? Are vulnerabilities punished? Is there a lack of trust among colleagues? Once you understand your organization's cultural barriers, you'll be able to strategize ways to remove or minimize the obstacles.

Build on Your Strengths

Identify what you’re already doing that encourages employees to seek help and reinforce these actions. Name and optimize what you’re doing well. Seek out ways to expand these strengths across the organization.

Model Asking for Help

When employees witness leaders asking for help, they are more likely to follow suit. Publicly acknowledge your deficiencies and request that colleagues help you compensate. Be honest about your vulnerabilities and demonstrate how seeking support from others turns those vulnerabilities into strengths.

Reward Asking for Help

Recognize and show appreciation to employees who ask for help. When someone asks you for help, thank them for seeking your support. Use formal recognition programs to highlight accomplishments that employees achieved because they requested assistance from others. Ensure you're rewarding collaborative efforts and not only individual performance. Wayne Baker's book All You Have to Do Is Ask provides more suggestions on how to reward asking for help.

Protect Givers

Psychologist Adam Grant studied givers and takers, concluding that organizations with high numbers of givers are more productive. Unfortunately, givers often burn out because they may neglect their own needs, or too many takers drain their energy. When givers are rewarded and encouraged to also ask for help, they are more likely to excel. Weed out takers from your organization to avoid exhausting givers. 

Conduct a Reciprocity Ring Exercise

The Reciprocity Ring is a dynamic group exercise developed by Give and Take that encourages team members to be givers and cements high-quality connections. People who use the Reciprocity Ring get the information they need to solve real problems, both personal and professional. It can energize a group, creating healthy relationships that help individuals and organizations. You can conduct the Reciprocity Ring exercise virtually if necessary.

How have you created a culture that encourages asking for help?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

Quitting Can Make You a Winner!

I recently helped a colleague quit his job, and he's happier than I've seen him in years. He worked for a cruel and racist boss who made him and his colleagues miserable.

At first, he didn't want to quit even though the job wasn't what he had expected. He didn't want to admit that the work environment was harming his well-being.

He believed that "winners never quit," and if he just tried harder, he could make it work. He didn't want to give up.

Thankfully, he realized that choosing to stop doing something that wasn't creating the results he desired made him a winner.

Many of us were raised to believe that winners never quit. We believe that persistence pays off in the long run, and we'd be losers if we give up. An emphasis on grit and perseverance reinforces the pressure to stay the course.

There are times, however, when we need to permit ourselves to call it quits. We need to ask, "If I stop doing this, what would be possible?" Or, "What would it be like if I left this toxic job or dropped this negative friendship?"

Permitting ourselves to quit doesn't apply only to harmful work environments or relationships. I worked with a brilliant Foreign Service officer who realized on her first day of training that she'd made the wrong decision. She was living her parents' dream and was miserable, even though all of her colleagues were excited.

When we met, she was discouraged and frustrated. Her demeanor changed, however, when she told me her dream of being an artist and what she would do with her life if she quit the Foreign Service. She knew what she wanted and just needed to permit herself to disappoint her friends and family. Once she left the Foreign Service, she became a winner.

If your instincts are telling you to quit something or someone, listen to it. Explore why you want to leave. What stops you from quitting? Write down the pros and cons of quitting and staying. Note the opportunity costs of staying. After exploring all of your options, permit yourself to call it quits if that's what you want.

What have you quit? What impact has quitting had on you?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

What Happens When You Accept What You Can't Control or Influence

Everything that happens in our lives falls into three categories. There are actions over which we have full control, such as our behavior and what we say to people. There are things we can influence, including other peoples’ behavior. Then, there are realities over which we have no control or influence.

If we spend too much time ruminating or fighting issues and events over which we have no control or influence, our resilience will quickly erode. Focusing on things you can't change wastes energy better-used elsewhere.

Unfortunately, it is easy to get trapped in this sphere. The best way to escape is to accept what you cannot control or influence.

"Acceptance" means "to take or receive what is offered." In human psychology, acceptance means that a person recognizes the reality of a situation, and decides not to resist or deny this reality. Acceptance is not approval or acquiescence. It does not mean you like, want, or support what is happening.

Acceptance is not always easy. This was made clear to me when I recently trained a group of social justice advocates. I used racism as an example to explain the Sphere of Control. While we were able to list what we could control and influence, we struggled emotionally to accept what was outside of our control/influence. For example, we did not want to accept that some people believe they have more value than others due to the color of their skin.

Unfortunately, it may not be possible to influence another person's core beliefs. When we find these beliefs offensive, it is a hard reality for many of us to accept.

Some participants wanted to use a different word. For example, some people teach the Sphere of Control using the word "concern" instead of "accept." I agree that it would be easier to express concern about White Supremacists rather than to accept that they exist.

However, I believe it is essential to take the emotional step of acceptance, which goes beyond recognizing reality by deciding not to resist or deny the hard truth. And, it’s important to remember that acceptance does not mean you approve of the beliefs.

Ironically, I also believe that acceptance can help us better influence other peoples' behaviors. While beliefs may not be changed, we can often impact the actions of other people.

For example, if I accept that a person has racist beliefs, I'm more likely to develop tactics to influence his behavior with that reality in mind. I also signal to the person that I see him for what he is, even if I find what I perceive to be abhorrent.

If I acknowledge but don't accept his beliefs, I risk spending my energy trying to get him to change his views instead of focusing on influencing his behavior. When we deny reality, we are less able to influence outcomes. 

How do you accept what is outside of your control or influence?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

How to Manage a Bully

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Unfortunately, workplace bullying -- repeated and unreasonable behavior directed towards a worker or group of workers that creates a risk to health and safety -- is all too common. In times of chronic stress or constant uncertainty, workplace bullying may increase.

Working with a bully can quickly erode your resilience due to the chronic stress it generates. Here are some suggestions on how to handle a bully in your workplace:

Stand up for Yourself

Bullies count on others being passive or afraid. Most back off if their targets stand up for themselves. Show the bully that he made a mistake targeting you. Communicate that you can defend yourself without being aggressive or mean in return.

Be Confident

Bullies quickly identify people they can control and manipulate. To help maintain a calm, cool composure, take a few deep breaths before your conversation. Try your best to prevent your emotions and anger from being directed at the bully. To avoid looking nervous, insecure, or defeated, prepare for interactions with the bully. Practice the one or two things you want to say to the bully. Remind yourself that your feelings are valid. No matter what happens during your discussion, try your best to stay steady and remain professional.

Stay in Your Sphere of Control

While you have no control over what other people say or do, you do have control over your response. If you can't calmly address the bully, then postpone confronting her.

Walk Away

If the bully’s behavior is extreme (yelling, abusive language), walk away. Tell the person that you will continue the conversation only if the person is willing to communicate professionally. Walk away if you start to lose control.

Be Specific

When addressing the bully's behavior, have particular examples ready of how she has hurt you. If you don't have detailed examples to point to, it may look like you are overreacting.

Continue to Work Hard

Do not allow bullying to derail your work. Focus on your tasks and don't spend too much time talking with other co-workers about what is happening. Do not let the turmoil the bully creates cause you to fall behind on projects.

Keep Records

Keep a detailed record of all the bullying incidents, including dates, times, and witnesses. Keep all of your electronic correspondence with the bully.

Get Help

Immediately report the bullying to the bully's boss. If the boss won't or is unable to address the bad behavior, report it to your HR office or someone else who has the authority to take action.

Don’t Blame Yourself

Remind yourself that your colleague chose to bully you and others in the workplace and you are doing nothing wrong. Don't let the bully shift the blame for his bad behavior.

Look for Another Job

If the bullying is becoming unbearable or having a significant negative impact on your well-being, consider looking for another position. Searching for alternatives will give you some control over the situation even if you stay where you are.

How have you responded to workplace bullying?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

Stop When You've Done Enough

American culture often pushes us to do more. We think if we spend more time on a project, we can make it even better. If we put in more hours at work, we'll get that promotion.

Recently, a neighbor encouraged me to add more laps to my morning swim, arguing that if I'm not doing more, then I'm going backward.

While striving to do more can inspire many of us to do great things, it also risks eroding our resilience. Too often, the compulsion to do more or trying to make it even better sucks up the time and energy we should be spending on self-care and fostering social networks, two critical resilience factors.

Attempting to be the best at everything often makes us unhappy and unfulfilled, and risks not being good at anything. This constant need to do more is also one reason we have an epidemic of burnout, and too many employees report they are overworked and exhausted.

Research provides some insights into how to break out of a do more cycle. It turns out that satisficers, people who stop at good enough, are happier than maximizers, people who feel they must always choose the best option.

Psychologist Barry Smith, author of The Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less, found that people who are satisficers are generally more optimistic, happier, and less regretful than people who are maximizers. He did a study of college seniors looking for jobs and found that maximizers got better jobs but felt worse about the jobs they got than satisficers did.

Stopping when you’ve done enough does not mean submitting mediocre work, shirking responsibilities, or not aspiring to excellence. Instead, it’s determining what excellence looks like ahead of time and stopping once you’ve reached it.

As a supervisor, I regularly saw better performance from staff who knew when to stop than those who tried to be perfect. And, the employees who knew when to stop were able to complete more work because they weren’t bogged down with a single project.

Here are some tips on how you can stop when you’ve done enough:

Define Enough

Sit down with people close to you and talk about your personal, professional, and financial goals. What does enough feel and look like for you? When you get a new work project, discuss with your supervisor what level of effort is required and what result is enough to achieve the project goals.

Write Down Your Goals

After you decide what enough looks like, write it down. Written goals will help you resist the temptation to shift the goal post once you've accomplished enough. Revisit these written goals regularly.

Resist Social Pressure

Recognize that there is a lot of social pressure to do more and use your written goals to help resist this pressure. If people push you to do more, let them know that you are satisfied and happy where you are.

Calculate the Opportunity Costs

Many of us focus only on the positive results of doing more and forget to calculate the costs. If you spend two more hours on a project, what won't you do instead, and is it worth it?

It’s OK to Change Your Mind

It's perfectly fine to change your mind and set new goals but do so with intention and input from people who know and care about you as a person. Make sure you're setting new goals because of what you want, not what society is pressuring you to do.

Don’t Be a Perfectionist

Remind yourself that the need for perfection is rare. Most of us are not brain surgeons or rocket scientists where anything less than perfect can cause death or significant financial loss. Ask yourself whether 80% or 90% is good enough. Evaluate the worst-case scenario if you do 80% and decide whether you can live with that outcome.

Do you stop when you’ve done enough? What helps you be a satisficer instead of a maximizer?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.