What Happens When You Accept What You Can't Control or Influence

Everything that happens in our lives falls into three categories. There are actions over which we have full control, such as our behavior and what we say to people. There are things we can influence, including other peoples’ behavior. Then, there are realities over which we have no control or influence.

If we spend too much time ruminating or fighting issues and events over which we have no control or influence, our resilience will quickly erode. Focusing on things you can't change wastes energy better-used elsewhere.

Unfortunately, it is easy to get trapped in this sphere. The best way to escape is to accept what you cannot control or influence.

"Acceptance" means "to take or receive what is offered." In human psychology, acceptance means that a person recognizes the reality of a situation, and decides not to resist or deny this reality. Acceptance is not approval or acquiescence. It does not mean you like, want, or support what is happening.

Acceptance is not always easy. This was made clear to me when I recently trained a group of social justice advocates. I used racism as an example to explain the Sphere of Control. While we were able to list what we could control and influence, we struggled emotionally to accept what was outside of our control/influence. For example, we did not want to accept that some people believe they have more value than others due to the color of their skin.

Unfortunately, it may not be possible to influence another person's core beliefs. When we find these beliefs offensive, it is a hard reality for many of us to accept.

Some participants wanted to use a different word. For example, some people teach the Sphere of Control using the word "concern" instead of "accept." I agree that it would be easier to express concern about White Supremacists rather than to accept that they exist.

However, I believe it is essential to take the emotional step of acceptance, which goes beyond recognizing reality by deciding not to resist or deny the hard truth. And, it’s important to remember that acceptance does not mean you approve of the beliefs.

Ironically, I also believe that acceptance can help us better influence other peoples' behaviors. While beliefs may not be changed, we can often impact the actions of other people.

For example, if I accept that a person has racist beliefs, I'm more likely to develop tactics to influence his behavior with that reality in mind. I also signal to the person that I see him for what he is, even if I find what I perceive to be abhorrent.

If I acknowledge but don't accept his beliefs, I risk spending my energy trying to get him to change his views instead of focusing on influencing his behavior. When we deny reality, we are less able to influence outcomes. 

How do you accept what is outside of your control or influence?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

What "Should Be" Is a Trap

A few years ago I met with Chris (not his real name), a Foreign Service officer who was having trouble bouncing back after not being selected for an assignment he really wanted. As he described what was happening, he kept using the word “should.”

His current boss "should" have advocated more forcefully for his candidacy. The Ambassador "should" have fought for him because he was the most qualified candidate.

An office in Washington "should" not have promoted their candidate, given he had less experience than Chris. Chris believed he had been jerked around and that several people "should" help him get a good assignment to compensate.

Chris was mentally trapped in what "should be," and it was eroding his resilience. Instead, he needed to shift his focus to "what is."

For example, Chris's boss had a poor relationship with key individuals who influenced the assignment Chris wanted. Therefore, it was unlikely Chris's boss was going to reach out and advocate on Chris's behalf. If Chris had recognized this reality, he may have found other mentors who could have supported him. Or, he may have reached out directly to the decision-makers to lobby for the job.

Chris also had an idealized view of the Foreign Service assignment process, believing it should be fair and transparent when, instead, it is opaque and based on personal connections and reputations. Since many highly qualified people apply for the same positions, leaders tend to pick the people they know and trust with whom to work. While this culture is less than ideal, if Chris had accepted what is, he could have made himself more competitive by cultivating more relationships and lobbying for positions rather than relying only on his qualifications.

When Chris found himself without an assignment, his insistence that he was owed something because he was jerked around meant he wasn't getting anything. The reality is that no one perceived that they owed Chris something and so they did nothing to help him. By relying on others to "do what is right," Chris trapped himself in a corner that gave him few options.

Accepting "what is" does not mean acquiescing to unfairness or injustice. Instead, after you decide what you think should be, make an effort to understand what is and why it is that way. You may adjust your image of what should be by better understanding other people's motivations and situations. Then, make a conscious decision about how to move forward.

It is ok to accept what is and adapt your behavior accordingly. For example, the checkout lines at my local grocery store are slow. Instead of seething about the slow lines every time I shop, I remind myself that the lines are slow because the women working the registers are friendly and chatty and take their time. I realize that this is a reality I’m not willing or probably even able to change. So, I avoid shopping when I’m in a hurry.

If you feel strongly about what should be, make a deliberate decision whether you will try to influence reality. Many people promoting social justice are doing just that, and they have a positive impact on society. To be successful at changing something, you first need to understand what it is. Then, if you decide you want to influence what is, build a coalition of like-minded people, clearly define your goals, and develop a strategy for making the change given on-the-ground realities. These actions will help you stay resilient, even when improvements are hard to achieve.

For example, when I returned from Iraq in 2004, I thought the State Department did a poor job of supporting me and others serving in dangerous postings. I thought they should do better. I also accepted the bureaucratic realities and the limitations of the State Department's culture. For 15 years, I worked with allies to change what is, and while it still isn't perfect and isn't yet what I think should be, it is much better than it was and is continuing to improve. If I had gotten stuck in 2004 over what should be, I would not have recovered my productivity and resilience as quickly as I did and I would not have been able to make the positive changes I believed were needed.

So, if you are stuck in what “should be,” get a realistic picture of “what is” and then make a conscious decision about whether you’ll accept what is and adapt your behavior accordingly, or join up with others to make a change.

What is your experience accepting or influencing “what is?”

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

How to Build Resilience in Light of the Coronavirus

Image by iXimus from Pixabay

Over the past several weeks, I have watched the latest coronavirus (officially known as COVID-19) spread across the globe. It has disrupted travel, stock markets, and many peoples’ daily lives. While there is still a slim possibility you’ll contract the virus, now is the time to think about how you’ll stay resilient during an outbreak.

Since resilience impacts our immune system, building and maintaining high resilience can help your body defend against viruses and bacteria. Resilience will also help you better manage if you or a loved one is infected. It will help you adapt if there are closures or significant changes in your daily life. And, you’ll be more likely to bounce back quickly and fully (and possibly bounce forward) from any negative impact this crisis may have on you.

Here are ways you can build and maintain your resilience given the coronavirus:

Focus on What You Can Control

The coronavirus is unsettling because so much is out of our control. Ruminating about things you cannot control will erode your resilience. Instead, focus on what you can impact. Review the latest CDC information and guidelines and prepare your emergency plan. Seek news and updates only from reliable sources.

Take Care of Yourself

Prioritize getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising, and making time to recover. Use a potential coronavirus outbreak as an opportunity to review your regular routines and make changes if needed for better self-care.

Help Others

Research shows that helping other people will build your resilience. Reach out to your community to see if there are ways you can help with preparations. Donate funds to organizations that support communities hit by the virus. Donate blood to prevent shortages during an outbreak.

Seek Out Social Support

While it may be tempting to isolate yourself to prevent infection, it is essential that you maintain your social support. Get to know your neighbors and local community members. Make sure you can communicate with friends and family virtually if necessary.

Laugh

Maintaining a positive outlook is a key resilience factor. If you’re binging on Netflix, watch comedies. Seek out friends and family who make you laugh. Watch funny videos on social media.

What are you doing to build your resilience in light of the coronavirus?

I help individuals and teams thrive in adversity by providing practical skills and tools I developed over several decades as a U.S. diplomat in challenging environments. Visit my website to learn more about how I can help you and your team better adapt to stress and adversity. With resilience skills and tools, you and your team will be more creative, innovative, and collaborative. Resilient individuals and teams are less likely to suffer from burnout and are more open to change. Follow me on Facebook and Twitter at @payneresilience.