Photo by Noah Buscher on Unsplash
A few years ago, two colleagues assumed new, challenging leadership roles. One coworker wanted to prove he was capable of leading on his own. He worried that if he asked for help, he would appear vulnerable and weak. He also felt guilty, thinking that if he asked for support, he would burden other people.
As a result, his resilience eroded, and he struggled in the new position. Colleagues were frustrated, and some thought he did not trust them because he would not seek their support.
My second colleague reached out to multiple people for help. She sought advice from mentors, signed up for a coach, and communicated to her new staff that she needed their support. She thrived in her new position. Her team felt valued, and her supervisor was very pleased.
While asking for help is a powerful resilience skill, it is remarkable how often people are reluctant to seek support from others. Like my first colleague, many people are afraid that needing help is a sign of weakness or incompetence, and that they will appear vulnerable and needy. They don't want to burden others.
However, seeking assistance often has the opposite effect. It is a compliment to be asked for advice and input; people want to support each other. When getting help improves performance, a person comes across as competent and capable. As we become more senior leaders, it is nearly impossible to succeed without help.
Here are some suggestions on how to ask for help:
Build Trust
Build relationships with your colleagues to develop trust. Offer to support coworkers if you see them struggling. Once you've built trust, it will be much easier to reach out to people when you need their support.
Set Clear Intentions
Before you ask for help, clarify what you need from the other person. Do you want advice? Do you want someone to help you do a task? Do you want someone to listen and help you formulate solutions? When you are clear about your intentions, you'll be more effective in communicating what you need.
Appreciate Imperfection
When you ask for help, you may not always get precisely what you want. However, even imperfect coaching or advice can provide valuable insights. While your helper may not have done the work your way, he still took a burden off your shoulders. Focus on the benefits and express your gratitude regardless of the quality of the assistance.
Be Honest
Be honest about what you can and cannot do. Showing vulnerability and imperfection will demonstrate your humanity and permit others to do the same.
Be Authentic
Don't ask for help if you don't want the assistance. People can tell whether you are faking and will be insulted if they perceive that your request for support is just a way of seeking validation or a power play. If you don't want help, don't ask for it.
Don’t Follow Everyone’s Advice
Some people are reluctant to seek input because they believe they must then take the advice given. Thank people for their suggestions and then decide what works for you. Sometimes guidance from another person helps you identify why you chose a different path. However, if there are people whose advice you consistently ignore, think about why you’re seeking their input and reconsider reaching out to those individuals.
Don’t Be Needy
While asking for help is powerful, it will cause damage if it becomes neediness. For example, a weekly 15-minute call with a mentor is invaluable, but a daily 30-minute call is needy.
Don’t Be a Drama King/Queen
Don’t portray yourself as a helpless victim in need of constant protection. Drama can be distracting and may cause potential helpers to avoid you. Even if you are a victim of harassment or discrimination, seek help in a way that communicates that you are taking charge and fighting back, not that you want someone else to take over solving this problem for you.
Start Small
If you struggle to ask for help, start with small requests such as asking a family member to help you clean the kitchen after dinner or asking a colleague for advice on what to include in the next meeting agenda. As you become more skilled at asking for help, expand to more challenging situations. Asking for help is a skill that improves with practice.
What has helped you ask for help?
___________________________
To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.