Want to Improve Your Resilience? Be Kind

Photo by Randalyn Hill on Unsplash

As the global health pandemic continues beyond two years, many of us are struggling to maintain our resilience. Being kind to others is an easy way to boost your well-being while helping others who are struggling.

This summer,  Bryant P.H. Hui, Ph.D., a research assistant professor at the University of Hong Kong, published the results of an extensive review of over 200 studies on kindness. Hui and his colleagues found a modest but significant link between prosocial behavior and the givers’ well-being. 

Small gestures of kindness are quite powerful for the giver. Hui and his colleagues found that random acts of kindness, such as helping an older neighbor carry groceries, were more strongly associated with overall wellbeing than formal prosocial behavior, such as scheduled volunteering for a charity. Hui thinks this may be because informal helping is more casual and spontaneous and may more easily lead to forming social connections. Informal giving is also more varied and less likely to become stale or monotonous, he said.

Promoting kindness at work can also have a positive impact. A study published in the journal Emotion examined the effects of performing random acts of kindness in the workplace. The study focused on the behaviors of more than 100 employees who were randomly assigned to one of three groups: "givers," "receivers," and a "control" group. Researchers instructed the "givers" to perform five acts of kindness to specific "receivers" for four weeks. The "receivers" and "control" were led to believe the study was about workplace morale and were tasked with discretely keeping track of the generous behaviors they observed.

Both "givers" and "receivers" felt happier and reported higher levels of well-being (less depressed and more satisfied with their jobs) two months later compared to the control. Researchers also discovered that acts of kindness had a positive ripple effect. "Receivers" weren't only paying back the acts of kindness to the "givers," but they also paid it forward, meaning that others benefited, too. "Receivers" in the experiment paid it forward by doling out more acts of kindness than the control group – 278% more.

Other researchers confirm that kindness is contagious. Researcher Jamil Zaki and colleagues found that people imitate the particulars of positive actions and the spirit underlying them. They concluded that an individual's kindness could trigger people to spread positivity in other ways. 

To help you and others thrive during the coronavirus crisis, remind yourself to be kind. If you’re looking for more inspiration on the positive impact of being kind, the Random Acts of Kindness Foundation has a wealth of information on the science of kindness and how to become a kindness advocate.

What acts of kindness have you done lately? What impact did these acts have on your well-being?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter.

Chef Kwame Onwuachi - A Resilience Story

Photo by author

Chef Kwame Onwuachi’s first restaurant failed after 11 weeks. His failure was very public given his fame as a Top Chef contestant and extensive media attention leading up to the restaurant opening. 

Many people would have struggled to bounce back after this type of failure. Instead, Onwuachi went on to open a popular second restaurant, win a James Beard award, and publish a best-selling memoir.

When I read Onwuachi’s memoir, Notes From a Young Black Chef, I was impressed with his resilience despite overwhelming hardship. He has a long list of traumas, including child abuse, poverty, racism, and hostile work environments. He weathered these and other challenges to achieve his dream of sharing his and other African American stories through cooking.

What makes Onwuachi so resilient?

When I asked Onwuachi where his resilience comes from, he emphasized the importance of "having people in your corner." He explained that he calls a good friend when times are tough, and this social support helps him work through problems. His strong family ties, despite an abusive father, and his ability to build supportive social networks also contribute to his resilience.

Onwuachi is a master problem solver who isn’t afraid to ask for help. He embraces failure as a learning experience, telling an audience that “true failure is not trying.” While hoping for the best, he prepares for the worst, creating systems and spreadsheets that help him manage huge workloads.

Cooking was how Onwuachi found meaning from a young age. In his book, he describes a time when he hit rock bottom and "never felt so alone or so rootless." He was "hungover, strung out, and depressed" and felt the world was moving forward without him. To pull himself out of this funk, he cooked chicken curry, a dish that reminded him of home and real love.

Like his grandfather, Onwuachi promotes racial justice and equality, which gives him meaning and purpose beyond his cooking. In his book, he provides many examples of efforts to combat racism and promote more inclusivity in restaurant kitchens.

Onwuachi’s sense of humor helps him maintain a positive outlook. His interview with Trevor Noah highlights his natural self-deprecating humor and his ability to view adverse events from a more positive framework. 

Onwuachi’s story is an inspiration and a reminder that all of us can overcome trauma and hardship. Like Onwuachi, are you incorporating resilience factors into your life?

Do you have a resilience story you’d like to share?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

Use Photography to Rebuild Your Resilience

Photo by author

For many of us, COVID-19 has been traumatic. Years of chronic stress have worn us down and many of us are struggling with low resilience. When I was diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder after my service in Iraq, I used photography to explore my feelings, establish self-awareness, and deal with emotional conflicts. Thanks to photography, I fully recovered.

I’m not the only person who used photography to recover from mental illness. In this powerful TedTalk, Bryce Evans describes how he beat depression through the use of photography. He now teaches people how to use therapeutic photography to learn, heal, and grow.

Several research studies confirm the power of photography for improving wellbeing. One study found that taking a daily photo improved well-being through self-care, community interaction, and the potential for reminiscence. It led to more exercise and provided a sense of purpose, competence, and achievement. Posting the photo online helped people to manage loneliness and grief and to meet new people with shared interests.

Other researchers found that a photography project for women living with HIV/AIDs supported their mental health. It facilitated empowerment and helped women express themselves. It also provided new tools that helped them process past traumas.

Veterans in out-patient mental health treatment who enrolled in a six-week photography workshop reported a positive impact on their recovery. Taking photographs while in recovery improved their personal reflection and organization of thinking. Photography also promoted recovery discussions, communication, social support, and a sense of purpose.

Photography also fosters the five resilience factors in the following ways:

Self-Care

Taking time to recover is essential for taking care of ourselves. While meditation is the best way to rest our brains by focusing on only one thing at a time, I’ve never been able to meditate. Instead, photography is my meditation. Photography is a mindfulness practice that forces me to focus on the present and leaves me feeling calm and rested.

Problem-Solving

Learning to accept what we cannot control or influence is a powerful problem-solving skill. Photography is one of the best ways to develop this skill since we are forced to accept current conditions and adapt our camera settings to create an appealing photograph. When we use our mental muscles to accept what we cannot control in photography, it helps us do the same in other areas of our lives.

Positive Outlook

Reframing is one of the best ways to shift from a negative to a more positive view of any situation. Luckily, photographers reframe all the time. We’ll explore a subject through different frames until we find the most effective photograph. We may take a wide-angle view, or use a macro for a close-up. We’ll look at a subject from different angles to find the most positive image. Learning to reframe will also help us avoid getting stuck in negativity, and instead find a new, more positive way of viewing something.

Meaning and Purpose

Having a passion is a powerful way to bring meaning and purpose into your life. I’m passionate about photography and spend time watching instructional videos, taking classes, and reading books. When I’m feeling stressed, I research possible photography trips or learn a new photography technique.

Social Support

Photographers are great people and a very welcoming community. There are photography clubs and MeetUps in most cities that are easily accessible. Many people take photography tours regularly, making new friends every trip. As an introvert, I find photography related events appealing because I don’t feel as drained of energy afterward.

After a trauma or period of chronic stress, I use photography to rebuild my resilience. Are you a photographer? What impact has photography has on your resilience and wellbeing?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.  

Why You Need to Look Beyond Work for Meaning

Photo by Ian Schneider on Unsplash

Finding meaning and purpose in your work is essential for resilience. In my experience, people who don’t find meaning at work will burn out within a year.

However, people who have no other source of meaning and purpose except for work are also vulnerable. And, they may unintentionally be eroding the resilience of their colleagues.

Here are some reasons why you want to find meaning outside of work:

Work Will End

As a Foreign Service officer working in an up or out personnel system, I witnessed many people fall apart when they no longer had a job. They hadn't taken the time to cultivate relationships, and some had sacrificed family ties. Many had no hobbies or passions outside of work. Work was their only source of meaning, and without work, they had nothing.

Not having meaning outside of work may be why research shows that so many people die soon after they retire. Without meaning and purpose, many people give up and are more vulnerable to disease. Psychiatrist Viktor Frankl found that “the sudden loss of hope and courage can have a deadly effect.”

You’re Risking Your Health

People who find meaning only in their work tend to be workaholics. They may generate more work than necessary to give them a reason always to be working. Extensive research shows that an excessive and compulsive need to work is harmful and negatively impacts health, wellbeing, and social connections. Having passion only for your work can easily lead to burnout.

I've also seen people stay in toxic work environments because of the meaning they find despite the abuse. The toxicity erodes their resilience, self-worth, and wellbeing, but they are reluctant to leave because they will lose their only source of meaning.

You’re Harming Your Colleagues

When people find meaning only at work, they often struggle to set boundaries and are willing to sacrifice much more than most of their colleagues. The short-term benefits this can generate often place undue pressure on the rest of the team who would prefer to have more balance. Overworking also contributes to a 24/7 work culture that wears down employees and eventually reduces office productivity. 

If you’re a senior leader, you risk being a poor resilience role model for your employees, who need to see you be passionate about people or hobbies outside of work. Even if you encourage your staff to find balance, most will follow what you do and not what you say.

You’re Losing Creativity

Finding meaning and purpose in many facets of your life enriches your thinking and creativity. Creativity is the ability to perceive the world in new ways, to find hidden patterns, to make connections between seemingly unrelated phenomena, and to generate solutions. If you have passions outside of work, you’re more likely to create unique connections and perceptions because you have various sources of input. If your only focus is work, you risk becoming stale because you’re not gaining stimulation from any other sources.

Your Life Is a Wobbly Stool

Think of meaning and purpose as legs of a stool. Legs could be work, family, hobbies, religion, or volunteering. A stool with three legs is stable. If you lose one leg, the other two can sometimes hold it up. A stool with five legs is far sturdier when one of the legs breaks. A stool with only one leg will collapse if that leg breaks.

To learn more about finding meaning and purpose in your life, check out my other blogs on the subject. How do you find meaning and purpose outside of work?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

Life is a Mason Jar

Photo by Matt Hoffman on Unsplash

When you feel overwhelmed, and life seems almost too much to handle, remember this story of the mason jar and a cup of coffee. There are many versions of this story; here's mine.

A philosophy professor stood before his class with a large empty mason jar. He filled the jar with golf balls and asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar, and the pebbles settled into open areas between the golf balls. Again, he asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. The sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students again responded, "yes."

The professor then produced a cup of coffee from under the table and poured it into the jar, filling the space between the sand. The students laughed.

When the laughter subsided, the professor explained:

This jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, children, health, friends, and hobbies. If everything else is lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff.

If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Take care of the golf balls first--the things that matter. Set your priorities, paying attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Meet friends for dinner. Spend time on your hobby.

There will always be time to clean the house and run that errand. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked," he replied, "It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a cup of coffee with a friend."

Are you spending enough time on the important things in your life?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

Want to Have a Meaningful Life? Draw Your Tree of Life

Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash

Having meaning and purpose is one of the best ways to build resilience. To have a meaningful life, you need to to know who you are, and one way to get to know yourself is to create a story for your life.

I discovered the Tree of Life in Nathan B. Weller’s storytelling blog. It is a useful tool that can help you visualize your life and develop your story.

The tree represents your past, present, and future. By looking at each part of your story, you can discover how the past shaped who you are today and actively cultivate your tree to reflect the kind of person you want to be moving forward.

Start by drawing a tree with a trunk, roots, branches, leaves, and fruit. Draw a compost heap next to it. Then, fill in the various sections per the instructions below.

Roots. Describe your origin. What is your cultural and ethnic identity? What influenced and shaped you as a child? Where did you live?

Ground. Write about what you do every week. What is your routine? What are your key activities?

Trunk. List your skills and values. What makes you who you are today?

Branches. Identify your long and short-term hopes and dreams. What are your goals? What would you like to be in the future?

Leaves. List the names of everyone who has positively influenced and supported you. These may be friends, family, mentors, heroes, even pets. 

Fruit. Describe the legacies that have been passed on to you. Look at the names you wrote on your leaves. What impact did they have on you? What have they given to you over the years?

Flowers & Seeds. Describe the legacies you wish to leave to others. How would you like to be remembered by the people you've touched in the world? 

Compost Heap. Identify what you no longer want in your life. What don't you want to define you? Include past trauma, abuse, social pressure, or cultural standards. You can also include negative images you've had of yourself.

Don’t rush this exercise. If you start with only one or two items per section, that’s fine. As you complete each part of the tree, memories and ideas will come to you. You don’t need to complete the tree in any specific

After you complete your tree, study it. Discuss it with a trusted friend or family number. What story does your tree tell?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course. order. Use a pencil so you can make changes.

Why Meaning is More Valuable Than Happiness

Photo by Nathan Lemon on Unsplash

Your pursuit of happiness may be causing more harm than good. Many people who focus on being happy have only fleeting moments of joy, and they often have low resilience.

People who pursue meaning, however, have stronger psychological health and higher resilience.

Several studies over the past few years have found weak associations between happiness and adaptive functioning. Other research highlights the temporary benefits of happiness versus long-term gains from meaning.

One researcher compared students who did things that made their life meaningful with those who focused on their happiness. Initially, the " happy" group got happier, and the "meaningful" group felt they had more meaning. But three months later, the happy feelings of the "happy" group faded while the students who had pursued meaning said they felt more "enriched," "inspired," and "part of something greater than myself." They also reported fewer negative moods.

Viktor Frankl reached the same conclusions after being imprisoned in a concentration camp during the Holocaust. In his book, Man's Search for Meaning, he writes that prisoners who lost meaning died more quickly than those who still had meaning despite their hardships.

Emily Esfahani Smith explains in her 2017 book, The Power of Meaning, that having a meaningful life is different from being happy. She explains that "the happy life is an easy life, one in which we feel good much of the time and experience little stress or worry." However, "the pursuit of happiness was linked to selfish behavior — being a taker rather than a giver."

Here are some things you can do if you're looking for more meaning in your life:

Join a Group

One of the quickest ways to add meaning to your life is to be active in a group. Not part of a group? Join one. No groups to join? Start one.

Tell Your Story

Write your story. Where do you come from, who influenced you growing up, and what are your dreams and aspirations? Do you have a redemption story from a time when you experienced an adverse event followed by a positive development?

Write Your Obituary

How do you want people to remember you when you die? Are you that person right now? If not, what do you need to change to be that person?

Volunteer

Helping others is one of the best ways to bring meaning into your life. Look for ways you can give your time and energy to a good cause, a friend, or a family member.

Find Your Passion

Being passionate about something other than your work can provide significant meaning in your life. What brings you joy and excitement? Make time for it.

Have Faith

Many people find deep meaning in their religious beliefs. If you are devout, strengthen your faith and participate in religious gatherings.

How do you find meaning and purpose?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

When Your Values Conflict With Work

Photo by JESHOOTS.COM on Unsplash

In 2003, I opened the Office of the U.S. Consul in Baghdad to assist private American citizens living and working in Iraq. I disagreed with the decision to invade Iraq but thought I could have a positive impact on how the U.S. government proceeded post-invasion. I was wrong. I arrived soon after the establishment of the Coalition Provisional Authority (CPA), the legal entity that governed Iraq for one year. In theory, it was a coalition of various countries, but in reality, the United States was in charge. We were awful occupiers. Iraqis would come to my office because they could not access the CPA headquarters. They asked me for help reporting crimes to non-existent police, finding family members abducted/arrested the night before by unknown American assailants, and getting out of their country because their lives were in danger.

For the first time in my life, I struggled to reconcile my job with my values and morals. In retrospect, I realize that I should have considered curtailing from the assignment when I first realized the disconnect between my values and reality on the ground, but my sense of commitment was too strong. It never occurred to me to leave. I kept hoping that what I witnessed was just an anomaly. The U.S. government couldn't be this bad; it must get better. I thought I could still do a little good by staying. Unfortunately, this disconnect contributed to my development of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). After my hotel was hit by rockets, I would ruminate over whether our efforts in Iraq were worth the risks I was taking. If I died, would my death be meaningless?

Part of my recovery from PTSD was going back and finding a way to feel comfortable with my role as a U.S. government official during the occupation. I did so by reframing my purpose - I was there to assist and protect American citizens and did the best I could. I was not responsible for the counterproductive and harmful actions of other U.S. government officials. I had to work through my survivor guilt. Why did I escape physical injury while others lost limbs and lives? Why didn't I quit and go public about the wrongs I was witnessing? Could I have done more to help people? I realized that I still had to find meaning and purpose from my experience in Iraq if I wanted to leave the year behind and move on.

As I discovered the powerful effect meaning and purpose have on an individual’s resilience, I realized that I had lost meaning in my work when I witnessed U.S. government leaders engaged in actions that I found to be morally offensive. Once I found meaning, even retroactively, I became more resilient. I realized that even if we find meaning and purpose outside work, the lack of it at work will still erode our resilience pretty quickly. Here are some tips for finding meaning and purpose at work if you have a conflict between your work and personal values:

Clarify the conflict. Do you disagree with the organization’s policy or do you believe that the policy is harmful or immoral? It is easier to reconcile disagreements than it is to work on something that conflicts with your core values is much harder.

Search for meaning, no matter how small. If you disagree with your office’s mission, are there other parts of your work that give you meaning? For example, do you derive meaning from helping your colleagues, learning new skills, or trying to minimize the negative impact of the mission?

Think about your role. Consider what role you play in the organization and the impact you may or may not have on important decisions. Are you responsible for the actions of leadership? Can you impact the direction of the organization? Are you having a positive or negative impact?

Stay in control. If office goals or actions conflict with your core values, make a conscious decision about whether you will stay in that position or remain with the organization. Weigh the pros and cons of each choice, factoring in the negative impact of working against core values. Explore your options. Can you move to another position in the organization? Can you take time off either by doing a detail, long-term training or leave without pay? There is no right or wrong decision, but making a decision will give you back some control over the situation.

Find social support. Reach out to like-minded people with whom you can talk through the disconnect and who can help you frame what is happening and explore possible responses. It is hard to work through these conflicts by yourself.

Have you worked in an organization that conflicts with your core values? How did you respond?

I help individuals and teams thrive in adversity by providing practical skills and tools I developed over several decades as a U.S. diplomat in challenging environments. Visit my website to learn more about how I can help you and your team avoid burnout and become more innovative, collaborative, and productive despite overwhelming challenges, constant change, and chronic stress. Follow me on Twitter at @payneresilience.

Want to Be More Resilient? Try Engaging in These Activities

Since resilience is a state of being, our level of resilience is constantly changing. Sometimes we feel very resilient, which allows us to be more adaptive, flexible, and collaborative.

After experiencing high stress or trauma, we may find our resilience has slipped and we know this because we become more irritable or moody, or maybe we have trouble sleeping (see characteristics of low resilience).

To develop and maintain your resilience, you can incorporate resilience enhancing activities into your regular routine. When you sense your resilience slipping, increase the time you spend on these activities to give yourself a resilience boost. 

Luckily, there are hundreds of activities you can engage in that build resilience. Here are just a few examples divided by the five resilience factors:

Self-Care

• Exercise regularly

• Dance

• Sleep 7-9 hours per night

• Eat a healthy diet

• Drink plenty of water

• Avoid toxic people

• Schedule down time for yourself

• Take a vacation

• Take a mental health day

• Engage in breathing exercises

• Get a pet

• Manage your workload

• Engage in quiet reflection and contemplation

• Meditate, practice mindfulness, pray

• Play sports and games

• Read fiction

• Engage in a hobby

• Sing or play music

Social Support

• Work on your relationships with friends and family

• Talk about what you’re going through with a trusted friend or mentor

• Nurture new relationships

• Commit to regular social interaction (virtual during coronavirus)

• Ask a friend or colleague to lunch (virtual during coronavirus)

• Host a dinner party or social gathering (virtual during coronavirus)

• Join a club/team

• Organize an interest group

• Develop peer mentors

Problem Solving

• Ask for help

• Set boundaries and say no

• Ask questions and be a good listener

• Anticipate change and view change as an opportunity for growth

• Give yourself adequate time to process change

• Identify and address the source of problems you’re facing

• Develop a logical way to work through problems – ask why

• Prioritize people and things that are important to you

• Focus on things that you have control over

• Use a to-do list

• Know when to quit

• Drop burdens and negative thoughts

Meaning & Purpose

• Volunteer

• Join a religious community

• Write down your personal and professional goals

• Engage in activities that bring you a sense of personal satisfaction and fulfillment

• Have a passion for something

• Take time to think about the feelings of others

• Identify your core values

• Self-reflect about your meaning and purpose in life

Positive Outlook

• Focus on the part of your life that is going well

• Limit negative and self-defeating thoughts

• Visualize yourself being successful and happy

• Keep a gratitude journal

• Write down three good things each day

• Compliment other people

• Reframe how you view negative events

• Show authentic appreciation to others

What do you do to build resilience? What can you start doing today?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.