How to Support an Employee Who Loses a Loved One

Last spring, I wrote a blog on how to maintain resilience when someone in your office dies. It is also essential, particularly for managers, to focus on resilience when an employee loses a loved one - a spouse, parent, child, or close friend/relative. 

Everyone suffers death and loss at some point. Grief can be all-consuming, an issue that spills over into the workplace long after the loss has passed.

Managers who support employees' resilience during times of grief are more likely to find the right balance between being compassionate and maintaining workplace productivity. It also sends a message to all employees that you value them as individuals.

Supervisors who ignore the loss or do not respond well may undermine an employee's healing process, and the employee may struggle to bounce back from this significant life-changing event.

Managers can play a crucial role in helping a person heal. While we all deal with grief differently, knowing something about the various stages or behaviors typical in the grief process can help supervisors understand how to support grieving staff.

In addition to understanding the griefing process, consider these tips for helping a grieving employee:

Talk to Your Employee

Having social connections is critical to resilience. Reach out to your bereaved employee as soon as possible after you learn of their loss. Carve out space on your calendar so that you do not feel rushed for time. Take a moment to gather your thoughts. When offering your condolences, expect sadness and tears. Listen and respect confidentiality.

When the employee returns to work, don't avoid talking about the loss. Many people who are grieving find it comforting to talk about the memories of their loved ones. Don't worry that you will somehow "remind" them of their loss. Their loved one will already be at the forefront of their thoughts. Be cautious of offering platitudes. Instead, provide a sincere expression of condolence that opens up space for your employee to talk.

Give Your Employee Time

Be as flexible as possible in allowing your employee to have the time and space to deal with their loss. Some people will want to return to work as soon as possible while others need more time away. Don't make assumptions about what your employee needs. Ensure that all options are available and let your employee decide which route to take. Know that the grief journey is rarely linear. An employee may have a good day, followed by a bad day.

Share Information

Ask your employee what information they would like conveyed to the team. Proactively offer to draft an email message on their behalf to their colleagues. Later, with permission from the employee, share information about funerals and memorials in a timely fashion. Consider attending the service if appropriate (this may be virtual during coronavirus). If appropriate, ensure that the office organizes a group acknowledgment, such as issuing a card or flowers. Having the support of colleagues can help the employee bounce back.

Here's a sample message you could send on behalf of an employee:

"I am deeply saddened to tell you that the [family member] of [employee] died on [date]. [Employee] and [pronoun] family hope you will share in their sorrow and loss, but also in the joyful memories of [family member). When I have more information about [employee's] return and about funeral arrangements, I will share them."

Anniversaries Are Hard

Even years after someone loses a loved one, there are key dates that may trigger an emotional response. These can include birthdays, anniversaries, the day someone passed, or other significant days. Be sensitive to these days and understanding if your employee is struggling. Allowing someone to talk about their loved one is the kindest thing you can offer.

Get Help

Dealing with grief can be very difficult. Reach out to your Employee Assistance Program to see if they have resources for managers and employees. Remind employees for whom their colleague’s loss may be a trigger or reminder of their grief of available resources for support.

What advice do you have for managers with employees who lost a loved one?

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To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

How to Cope with the Death of a Co-Worker

When I was the Consul General in Kolkata, one of my employees committed suicide while on leave in the United States. The news came as a shock. While many of us did not know him well, he was a valued member of our team and the loss hit us hard. His staff, who had worked closely with him for over a year, were particularly devastated and struggled to come to terms with the news.

Luckily, a colleague who had experience with workplace deaths gave me excellent advice on how to rebuild and maintain my team’s resilience after losing a colleague. Here’s what I learned from this experience:

Take Time to Grieve

While work must continue, don’t return to business as usual right away. Give staff the time and space to work through their grief.

Everyone Grieves Differently

Grief is a very personal experience and everyone has different ways of coping. Some people want to jump back into work to distract themselves from the loss. Others need to process grief with their colleagues. A sudden workplace death may spark personal memories for co-workers who lost loved ones, triggering even more grief for these individuals.

Attend the Memorial Service

If possible, and if the family welcomes attendance, make sure that everyone in the office is able to attend the memorial service, while taking necessary precautions to be safe from coronavirus. While you may need to close the office for a few hours or even a day, memorial services are an important venue to share memories and provide support to family and friends. It will also help colleagues find meaning in the midst of a significant loss. In my situation, Kolkata was too far away from the family’s memorial service to attend so we held a separate memorial service at the consulate and sent photos and the signed memorial book to his family.

Connect With the Family

Reach out to the employee’s family to express your condolences and talk about how much the employee was valued in the workplace. Ask the family how they would like to handle any personal items left in the office. Be open to family members coming to the office and be generous about sharing positive stories. After someone dies, family members often want to learn more about their loved ones. By being compassionate and open with the family, you are communicating with colleagues that you value them as a person, not just an employee.

Be Thoughtful in How You Replace the Employee

Since work must get done, you will eventually need to clean out the employee’s workplace and find a replacement. Don’t move too quickly, however, since every change will trigger grief and loss. Give employees time to process changes. For example, let them know a few days in advance that family members are picking up the employees’ personal items. Provide advance notice that the position is being advertised or the office is going to be occupied by someone new. This will give people time to process the news so when they see the changes, they are more prepared. Consider dropping cell the person’s phone number rather than reassigning it to another employee.

Create a Memorial

Memorials signal that while we lost someone, they are still important to the living. Memorials can have a powerful impact on a team because it also signals how much you care about all employees and that they will also not be forgotten upon their deaths. Memorials can be temporary, such as a board with post-it notes for messages and memories. Or they can be permanent, such as a tree planted in a common area to provide a quiet area for reflection and prayer.

Talk About the Employee

Death makes us all uncomfortable and it can be tempting to avoid talking about the employee’s death in order to avoid this discomfort. However, silence will often have a more negative effect, with employees ruminating about what happened and not feeling able to express their thoughts. Also, employees may think their colleague has been quickly forgotten and wonder if they will also be forgotten if they die. Take time in staff meetings to ask about how people are doing and what they are thinking. Solicit memories and stories about your colleague.

Have you lost a co-worker? What impact did it have on you and your office?

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To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.