How to Create a Work Culture of Asking for Help

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The coronavirus has disrupted our lives for almost two years and it's no surprise that many of us are struggling. The most resilient among us know we can't get through this alone. Instead, we ask colleagues, friends, and families for help.

Organizations that encourage asking for help have been more resilient during this crisis. They adapt more quickly to rapid changes and find solutions to novel problems. Here’s how you can thrive in adversity by fostering a helping culture in your organization:

Understand the Barriers

Take a good look at your organizational culture and identify barriers to asking for help. Are employees who seek advice viewed as weak or inferior? Do senior leaders give the impression that they are superhuman and never need help? Are vulnerabilities punished? Is there a lack of trust among colleagues? Once you understand your organization's cultural barriers, you'll be able to strategize ways to remove or minimize the obstacles.

Build on Your Strengths

Identify what you’re already doing that encourages employees to seek help and reinforce these actions. Name and optimize what you’re doing well. Seek out ways to expand these strengths across the organization.

Model Asking for Help

When employees witness leaders asking for help, they are more likely to follow suit. Publicly acknowledge your deficiencies and request that colleagues help you compensate. Be honest about your vulnerabilities and demonstrate how seeking support from others turns those vulnerabilities into strengths.

Reward Asking for Help

Recognize and show appreciation to employees who ask for help. When someone asks you for help, thank them for seeking your support. Use formal recognition programs to highlight accomplishments that employees achieved because they requested assistance from others. Ensure you're rewarding collaborative efforts and not only individual performance. Wayne Baker's book All You Have to Do Is Ask provides more suggestions on how to reward asking for help.

Protect Givers

Psychologist Adam Grant studied givers and takers, concluding that organizations with high numbers of givers are more productive. Unfortunately, givers often burn out because they may neglect their own needs, or too many takers drain their energy. When givers are rewarded and encouraged to also ask for help, they are more likely to excel. Weed out takers from your organization to avoid exhausting givers. 

Conduct a Reciprocity Ring Exercise

The Reciprocity Ring is a dynamic group exercise developed by Give and Take that encourages team members to be givers and cements high-quality connections. People who use the Reciprocity Ring get the information they need to solve real problems, both personal and professional. It can energize a group, creating healthy relationships that help individuals and organizations. You can conduct the Reciprocity Ring exercise virtually if necessary.

How have you created a culture that encourages asking for help?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

Should You Make Personal Sacrifices For Your Work?

A few weeks ago, a senior manager complained to me that her younger employees take sick leave when they aren't feeling well. She recounted that in her day, people would never dream of calling in sick unless they were seriously ill.

And, don’t even talk to her about mental health days.

She acknowledged that her team backs each other up and is productive despite taking leave. What bothered her was their unwillingness to “sacrifice” like in the old days when employees would push through and tough it out even if there was little impact on productivity.

Her opinion got me thinking about the culture of sacrifice in many workplaces. Too many leaders, like this senior manager, appear to value sacrifice over effectiveness. This focus on sacrifice, however, risks undermining their ability to achieve work goals.

How do we decide when to sacrifice and when to draw the line?

During my career as a U.S. diplomat, I made hundreds of sacrifices large and small. I risked my life in Iraq but am comfortable with that decision because I was keeping American citizens safe. I worked many weekends uncompensated and was woken in the middle of the night hundreds of times. I believed these sacrifices were warranted because they had a direct impact on vital foreign policy goals.

But other sacrifices were silly. When I worked as a control officer for a VIP visit a day after being released from the hospital, I jeopardized my health when another embassy employee could have taken my place. The sacrifice I most regret was when I didn't return to the United States when my dad had open-heart surgery because I'd just arrived in a new job and didn't want to upset my boss by asking for leave. If my dad had not survived this risky surgery, I would never have forgiven myself.

I realized that I made many sacrifices simply because the culture (no one individual) pressured me to do so. I often didn't achieve anything monumental, and at times my productivity suffered. Seriously, was I an effective control officer the day after being released from the hospital?

I learned to think about the sacrifices I feel compelled to make and then make a conscious decision about whether the sacrifice is worth it. I ask myself whether I would make the sacrifice for the right reason. I try to resist the cultural pressure to sacrifice as a way of demonstrating commitment or proving I can do something hard, but instead limit sacrifices to those that make a real difference.

And, if I don’t feel well or need a mental health day, I take sick leave.

How do you decide when to make or not make a sacrifice for your work?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

If You Want to Foster Resilience, Don't Micromanage

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One leadership habit that can destroy both individual and team resilience is micromanaging. Instead of setting a goal and letting the team figure out how to get there, micromanagers cannot resist getting into the weeds. They dictate every step that must be taken and get angry when employees don't follow their instructions. They take pride in finding and correcting mistakes.

This behavior undermines the leader's resilience since it leads to overwork. They need to control everything, which means they rarely delegate effectively and quickly have too much on their plate. The more senior the leader, the more overwhelmed they become.

These leaders also never check out. They work on the weekends and during vacations, never taking a break to re-energize. They rarely delegate tasks or empower someone to act in their place.

Even worse, micromanagement erodes team resilience since it devalues team members. Dictating to staff how something should be done is not respectful; it treats skilled individuals as robots who should simply take orders. Micromanagers signal to their employees that they do not trust them to do a good job. If you don’t trust an employee to do a task correctly, regular feedback and other performance management actions are more effective than micromanaging.  

Micromanagers are usually so overworked they don't demonstrate their commitment to the team by showing up to events or mentoring colleagues. They also don't take the time to make connections with others. When a crisis hits, their teams are often not empowered to act, and can easily fracture.

The good news is that micromanagers can change. The first step is acknowledging that micromanagement is lousy management and corrosive. It's a bad habit that must be stopped. To see if you are micromanaging, next time you ask staff to do some work on your behalf, ask them how much guidance they want. If no one asks for more guidance, you've been giving too much.

If the work product isn't exactly what you had in mind, ask yourself why you don’t think it’s acceptable. Ask, "what could be the worst thing to happen if you implemented the plan as presented?" Try hard not to reject your staff's work and play a less intrusive role. If you want it done your way and are not open to other perspectives, you are micromanaging.

If you are micromanaging your team, hire a coach or find a mentor who can help you find alternative approaches. Have colleagues point out your micromanagement behavior. Ask your staff to remind you when they are being micromanaged.

Have you ever micromanaged? How did you stop?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

Quitting Can Make You a Winner!

I recently helped a colleague quit his job, and he's happier than I've seen him in years. He worked for a cruel and racist boss who made him and his colleagues miserable.

At first, he didn't want to quit even though the job wasn't what he had expected. He didn't want to admit that the work environment was harming his well-being.

He believed that "winners never quit," and if he just tried harder, he could make it work. He didn't want to give up.

Thankfully, he realized that choosing to stop doing something that wasn't creating the results he desired made him a winner.

Many of us were raised to believe that winners never quit. We believe that persistence pays off in the long run, and we'd be losers if we give up. An emphasis on grit and perseverance reinforces the pressure to stay the course.

There are times, however, when we need to permit ourselves to call it quits. We need to ask, "If I stop doing this, what would be possible?" Or, "What would it be like if I left this toxic job or dropped this negative friendship?"

Permitting ourselves to quit doesn't apply only to harmful work environments or relationships. I worked with a brilliant Foreign Service officer who realized on her first day of training that she'd made the wrong decision. She was living her parents' dream and was miserable, even though all of her colleagues were excited.

When we met, she was discouraged and frustrated. Her demeanor changed, however, when she told me her dream of being an artist and what she would do with her life if she quit the Foreign Service. She knew what she wanted and just needed to permit herself to disappoint her friends and family. Once she left the Foreign Service, she became a winner.

If your instincts are telling you to quit something or someone, listen to it. Explore why you want to leave. What stops you from quitting? Write down the pros and cons of quitting and staying. Note the opportunity costs of staying. After exploring all of your options, permit yourself to call it quits if that's what you want.

What have you quit? What impact has quitting had on you?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

How to Help a Critically Ill Co-Worker

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A colleague just told you she has cancer and will soon start chemotherapy. How do you react? Or, maybe it's your boss who had a significant heart attack and is critically ill. What do you do?

Having a colleague fall critically ill can have a traumatic impact on the work team. We may worry about a valued friend or supervisor. It may bring up past events when someone close to us has been ill or trigger fears about our health or the wellbeing of loved ones. It's essential to recognize the impact this may have on your team's resilience and respond in ways that support your ill co-worker and the rest of the office.

Here are several things to think about if you have a colleague who has a severe illness:

Give Them Control

When we are ill, we lose control over many aspects of our lives. This loss of control can erode the resilience we need to combat the disease. To help your co-worker maintain control over their life, allow them as much control at work as possible. Don't make any assumptions. One person may not want to work at all while ill.  Another may prefer to stay as engaged as possible. Ask them how much they would like to be involved and respect their decisions, even if you disagree.

Adjust Work Priorities

Accept that your colleague will not be as productive as usual for quite some time and discuss what impact this will have on the rest of the team. Don't overwhelm teammates with extra work they can't handle. Instead, put some projects on hold while focusing on your highest priorities. You don't want your ill colleague to feel guilty about colleagues suffering from overwork.

Be Available to Listen

Many people appreciate the concern and support of their co-workers. Some will be open about their illness and want to talk to colleagues about their diagnosis. If this is the case, ask open-ended questions and listen. Don't offer advice or share horror stories from other people. Don't pressure them to "stay positive" or put on a happy face. If your colleague does not want to talk about their illness, respect their privacy, and talk about other topics.

Follow the Ring Theory

Susan Silk developed the Ring Theory after suffering from breast cancer. Unfortunately, some friends sought her support to help them through her illness. What she needed instead was unconditional support from these friends, and they needed to find comfort elsewhere. The Ring Theory is simple. The person who is ill is at the center of a series of rings. People in outer rings should only seek support from or complain to people in their circle or a ring that is further out. If you're struggling, find help from a co-worker or your friends or family, never from your ill colleague.

Source: Ring Theory by Susan Silk

Participate in Caring Bridge

If someone close to your colleague has set up a Caring Bridge site, visit it for regular updates. Sign up for tasks. Using Caring Bridge reduces the burden on your ill colleague who cannot manage dozens of well-meaning requests for how people can help. If you do sign up for a task, don't put any additional burden on your ill colleague. For example, one of my colleagues found the need to return food storage containers to their owners to be overwhelming.

Be Creative With Office Gifts

While it is always nice to send a card to someone who is ill, think about other ways you can be helpful. For example, Lyft or Uber vouchers could help a person get to/from treatment. You could pay for a cleaner before the person comes home from the hospital. Or, they may appreciate help with childcare or with pets. Or, pay for a meal service or a massage. Before sending flowers, consider whether they would be welcome or be too much of a burden.

Have you been critically ill? What did your co-workers do that helped you the most?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

Laughter Really Is the Best Medicine

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When I lived in India, I walked every morning in a local park, and there were always groups of people standing in circles laughing. I later discovered that they were practicing laughter yoga, an exercise involving prolonged voluntary laughter.

Why did they spend 30 minutes every morning laughing? They were lucky to discover that laughter is one of the best ways to build resilience and improve your well-being.

There are dozens of research studies highlighting the positive physical and psychological effects of laughter. One study found that social laughter releases endorphins in the brain, promoting social bonds. Neuroscientists discovered a focal pathway in the brain that causes immediate laughter when electrically stimulated, followed by a sense of calm and happiness. Another study found that humor improved the short-term memory of older adults.

Laughter reduces stress hormones, improves oxygen flow, relaxes muscles, and strengthens the immune system. The list of benefits goes on and on. Laughter may have more physiological and psychological benefits than almost any other activity we can engage in (other than eating and sleeping).

So, outside of finding a regular laughter yoga class, how do you incorporate laughter into your life? Here are some suggestions:

Find Funny Friends

Value friends and colleagues who make you laugh. Seek out these friends when your resilience is running low.

Watch Comedy Shows

Whether you're at a comedy club or watching late-night comedy on television, watch people who make you laugh. I watch 10-15 minutes of the Daily Show when I need a good laugh.

Play With Children

Children laugh much more than adults. They love to be silly and aren't yet worried about looking stupid. Playing with children reduces inhibitions and permits us to be silly as well.

Watch a Funny Sitcom or Movie

If your resilience is running low, choose a funny sitcom or movie to watch instead of a drama.

Collect Funny YouTube Videos

If you need a quick laughter boost, watch one of your favorite funny YouTube videos. My favorite is the Dover Police DashCam Confessional (Shake It Off). Even though I’ve seen it hundreds of times, it still makes me laugh every time I watch it!

How do you incorporate laughter into your life?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

Great Leaders Know How to Communicate

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Leaders who communicate effectively will have more resilient and capable teams. When team members feel well informed about what is going on, they have greater trust in their leaders and find more meaning in their work.

When organizations have open and honest communication at all levels and in all directions, they will be more likely to maintain their morale and productivity when a crisis hits.

Here how great leaders communicate:

Overcommunicate

While most leaders think they are sharing enough information with their employees, the opposite is usually the case. When I survey employees, most wish they had more information from senior leaders. Don't assume that everyone will get your message with just one announcement or email. Communicate critical information in several different ways and in various forums to make sure it is heard and understood. In a crisis, communicate much more than you think is necessary.

Restructure Staff Meetings

Too many staff meetings start with the most senior person speaking, and then each team member giving their report. While this one-way communication shares information, its benefits are limited. Many people stop listening and check out of the meeting. Consider focusing staff meetings on a theme or problem and then have a discussion that engages everyone. You want dialogue, not monologue. If you're running the meeting, consider going last to avoid dominating the conversation.

Ask Questions

One of the best ways to improve communication is to ask probing and thoughtful questions. The more senior you are, the more questions you should be asking. Then, shut up and listen.

Share Bad News

Failure to communicate negative news often leaves a vacuum that will be filled by gossip and stories far worse than reality. Communicate what you can early and often. If you don't have all the facts, it is ok to say that and tell people what you can. If you cannot tell a full story due to privacy issues, say so.

Talk In Person

An email is a limited form of communication best used to confirm information, clarify tasks, or deliver non-complex details. It is a terrible tool for resolving conflict, negotiating, or discussing complex issues. Pick up the phone, schedule a meeting, or (once we’re back in our offices) walk down the hall to communicate in person. You'll have a more robust and often effective conversation when you talk in person.

Be Clear and Concise

Think elevator briefing - a brief, persuasive speech - every time you communicate. With limited time and way too many emails, writing a concise email, or giving a quick, simple explanation will mean you're better understood.

Have an Open Mind

Suppress your opinions and solicit input with a genuine desire to learn from others. Employees will often tell the boss what they think they want to hear instead of their real thoughts. Avoid this by speaking last and valuing the opinions of others.

What have you done to improve your communication?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

Gratitude Helped Jimmy Carter Beat Cancer

Tomorrow is World Gratitude Day, and I thought I'd share my favorite story about the power of gratitude.

In 2015, doctors told former President Jimmy Carter that they’d found metastatic melanoma on his brain. The prognosis was not good. Most patients with this type of cancer lived for only a few years after diagnosis.

At a press conference soon after receiving this news, the Washington Post described Carter as “so completely, boyishly happy that you could almost forget he’d also announced he has cancer in his brain.”

Carter told members of the press that he’d “had a wonderful life, thousands of friends, an exciting and adventurous and gratifying existence.” With a bright, happy smile, Carter described “A multiple infusion of gratitude” toward those who have gotten in touch since his cancer news first broke.

Now, five years later, Carter is cancer-free. While new immunotherapy drugs were critical for Carter's survival, living a life filled with gratitude was his superpower.

“The practice of gratitude can have dramatic and lasting effects in a person’s life,” says Robert A. Emmons, professor of psychology at UC Davis and a leading scientific expert on the science of gratitude. According to Emmons, gratitude “can lower blood pressure, improve immune function, and facilitate more efficient sleep. Gratitude reduces lifetime risk for depression, anxiety, and substance abuse disorders, and is a key resiliency factor in the prevention of suicide.”

In Emmon’s book Thanks!, he describes his discovery that people who express gratitude can cope more effectively with everyday stress. They show increased resilience in the face of trauma and recover more quickly from illness.

Thankfulness does not come naturally. It is a practice that must be cultivated and encouraged. Carter's Baptist faith inspired him to incorporate gratitude into his daily life. Most major religions promote gratitude, and prayer is an excellent way to practice thankfulness.

You don't need to be religious, however, to develop a daily practice of giving thanks. Writing thank-you notes, keeping a gratitude journal, and meditating are just a few ways you can routinely practice gratitude. Hopefully, Jimmy Carter's story will inspire you to live a life filled with gratitude.

What do you do to incorporate gratitude into your daily life?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

How to Stay in Sync When Your Organization is Spread Out

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One of the 7Cs of team resilience is coordination, which means aligning your priorities and actions to be in sync across your organization.

It is easy for an organization to get out of sync if it has offices in many different locations. The most common challenge for dispersed organizations is the disconnect between the realities of a field office and the view from headquarters.

Organizations will be more resilient and productive if field offices and headquarters actively work to stay in sync as much as possible. Here are some suggestions for keeping headquarters and field offices in sync:

Clarify Organizational Goals

Without clear goals, offices may find themselves going in different directions or even working at cross purposes. Tension often develops when headquarters has a different perception of their goals than the field offices. If this is the case, work with colleagues to clarify mission goals and ensure you have a shared understanding of these goals.

Create Working Groups

If you have shared problems across the organizations, create working groups to develop possible solutions. Draw employees from various work units, positions, and locations. Encourage members to be open and share multiple perspectives, working through conflict and differences to reach a unified way forward.

Build Connections

Use technology to develop relationships across the various offices. Find reasons for colleagues to travel and spend time in the same physical location once it’s safe to be together. Headquarters staff should visit field offices regularly. When people know and understand each other, they are more likely to work through conflict rather than blame each other when things don't go well. When we know each other, we see each other as human beings instead of titles/positions.

We Are Where We Sit

We all see the world from our unique perspective based on where we sit. Someone in headquarters will perceive an issue differently than a field office employee simply because they sit in different places. For example, headquarters may feel the pressure of the 24/7 news cycle more acutely and, therefore, be more demanding in requesting information from a field office, which is more focused on day-to-day work. Recognizing that no one is "right" and seeking to understand other perspectives will help everyone find the best approach in the long run.

It’s Better to Be In Sync Than right

Avoid the temptation to stubbornly insist on your position despite opposing views, especially if you are a senior leader. I've seen well-intentioned leaders demand that employees accept their direction only to have them fight even harder to prove the leader wrong. Suppress the need to be right and work with colleagues to find a way forward that works for everyone.

Hierarchy Doesn’t Work

Resist the temptation to use positional power to demand coordination. When employees are forced to comply, they often find ways to undermine the effort. Hierarchy can also kill innovation and reduce productivity since staff will usually check with leadership for permission to do something. Instead, encourage all staff to become involved in developing shared goals and values so they are committed to staying in sync.

Talk to People

Given time zone differences and the realities of working in different places, it is not surprising that most communication between headquarters and field offices is via email. An email is a useful tool for many forms of communication, but when it becomes our only tool, communication will falter. We can resolve misunderstandings much more quickly when we talk to someone. Negotiations are much more effective in person. Never fight over email or messenger.

Manage Expansion

One of the reasons organizations struggle with coordination is that they expand very fast in numbers of employees and mission scope. Expansion breaks down systems and structures that need to be rebuilt or refined. If growth is too rapid, there is no time to develop new ways of staying in sync. It's better to slow down expansion efforts to ensure that systems are keeping pace. 

What has helped you stay in sync and minimize tensions between headquarters and field offices?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

What Happens When You Accept What You Can't Control or Influence

Everything that happens in our lives falls into three categories. There are actions over which we have full control, such as our behavior and what we say to people. There are things we can influence, including other peoples’ behavior. Then, there are realities over which we have no control or influence.

If we spend too much time ruminating or fighting issues and events over which we have no control or influence, our resilience will quickly erode. Focusing on things you can't change wastes energy better-used elsewhere.

Unfortunately, it is easy to get trapped in this sphere. The best way to escape is to accept what you cannot control or influence.

"Acceptance" means "to take or receive what is offered." In human psychology, acceptance means that a person recognizes the reality of a situation, and decides not to resist or deny this reality. Acceptance is not approval or acquiescence. It does not mean you like, want, or support what is happening.

Acceptance is not always easy. This was made clear to me when I recently trained a group of social justice advocates. I used racism as an example to explain the Sphere of Control. While we were able to list what we could control and influence, we struggled emotionally to accept what was outside of our control/influence. For example, we did not want to accept that some people believe they have more value than others due to the color of their skin.

Unfortunately, it may not be possible to influence another person's core beliefs. When we find these beliefs offensive, it is a hard reality for many of us to accept.

Some participants wanted to use a different word. For example, some people teach the Sphere of Control using the word "concern" instead of "accept." I agree that it would be easier to express concern about White Supremacists rather than to accept that they exist.

However, I believe it is essential to take the emotional step of acceptance, which goes beyond recognizing reality by deciding not to resist or deny the hard truth. And, it’s important to remember that acceptance does not mean you approve of the beliefs.

Ironically, I also believe that acceptance can help us better influence other peoples' behaviors. While beliefs may not be changed, we can often impact the actions of other people.

For example, if I accept that a person has racist beliefs, I'm more likely to develop tactics to influence his behavior with that reality in mind. I also signal to the person that I see him for what he is, even if I find what I perceive to be abhorrent.

If I acknowledge but don't accept his beliefs, I risk spending my energy trying to get him to change his views instead of focusing on influencing his behavior. When we deny reality, we are less able to influence outcomes. 

How do you accept what is outside of your control or influence?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.