Why You Need to Look Beyond Work for Meaning

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Finding meaning and purpose in your work is essential for resilience. In my experience, people who don’t find meaning at work will burn out within a year.

However, people who have no other source of meaning and purpose except for work are also vulnerable. And, they may unintentionally be eroding the resilience of their colleagues.

Here are some reasons why you want to find meaning outside of work:

Work Will End

As a Foreign Service officer working in an up or out personnel system, I witnessed many people fall apart when they no longer had a job. They hadn't taken the time to cultivate relationships, and some had sacrificed family ties. Many had no hobbies or passions outside of work. Work was their only source of meaning, and without work, they had nothing.

Not having meaning outside of work may be why research shows that so many people die soon after they retire. Without meaning and purpose, many people give up and are more vulnerable to disease. Psychiatrist Viktor Frankl found that “the sudden loss of hope and courage can have a deadly effect.”

You’re Risking Your Health

People who find meaning only in their work tend to be workaholics. They may generate more work than necessary to give them a reason always to be working. Extensive research shows that an excessive and compulsive need to work is harmful and negatively impacts health, wellbeing, and social connections. Having passion only for your work can easily lead to burnout.

I've also seen people stay in toxic work environments because of the meaning they find despite the abuse. The toxicity erodes their resilience, self-worth, and wellbeing, but they are reluctant to leave because they will lose their only source of meaning.

You’re Harming Your Colleagues

When people find meaning only at work, they often struggle to set boundaries and are willing to sacrifice much more than most of their colleagues. The short-term benefits this can generate often place undue pressure on the rest of the team who would prefer to have more balance. Overworking also contributes to a 24/7 work culture that wears down employees and eventually reduces office productivity. 

If you’re a senior leader, you risk being a poor resilience role model for your employees, who need to see you be passionate about people or hobbies outside of work. Even if you encourage your staff to find balance, most will follow what you do and not what you say.

You’re Losing Creativity

Finding meaning and purpose in many facets of your life enriches your thinking and creativity. Creativity is the ability to perceive the world in new ways, to find hidden patterns, to make connections between seemingly unrelated phenomena, and to generate solutions. If you have passions outside of work, you’re more likely to create unique connections and perceptions because you have various sources of input. If your only focus is work, you risk becoming stale because you’re not gaining stimulation from any other sources.

Your Life Is a Wobbly Stool

Think of meaning and purpose as legs of a stool. Legs could be work, family, hobbies, religion, or volunteering. A stool with three legs is stable. If you lose one leg, the other two can sometimes hold it up. A stool with five legs is far sturdier when one of the legs breaks. A stool with only one leg will collapse if that leg breaks.

To learn more about finding meaning and purpose in your life, check out my other blogs on the subject. How do you find meaning and purpose outside of work?

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To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

Life is a Mason Jar

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When you feel overwhelmed, and life seems almost too much to handle, remember this story of the mason jar and a cup of coffee. There are many versions of this story; here's mine.

A philosophy professor stood before his class with a large empty mason jar. He filled the jar with golf balls and asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar, and the pebbles settled into open areas between the golf balls. Again, he asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. The sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students again responded, "yes."

The professor then produced a cup of coffee from under the table and poured it into the jar, filling the space between the sand. The students laughed.

When the laughter subsided, the professor explained:

This jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, children, health, friends, and hobbies. If everything else is lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff.

If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Take care of the golf balls first--the things that matter. Set your priorities, paying attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Meet friends for dinner. Spend time on your hobby.

There will always be time to clean the house and run that errand. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked," he replied, "It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a cup of coffee with a friend."

Are you spending enough time on the important things in your life?

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To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

Should You Make Personal Sacrifices For Your Work?

A few weeks ago, a senior manager complained to me that her younger employees take sick leave when they aren't feeling well. She recounted that in her day, people would never dream of calling in sick unless they were seriously ill.

And, don’t even talk to her about mental health days.

She acknowledged that her team backs each other up and is productive despite taking leave. What bothered her was their unwillingness to “sacrifice” like in the old days when employees would push through and tough it out even if there was little impact on productivity.

Her opinion got me thinking about the culture of sacrifice in many workplaces. Too many leaders, like this senior manager, appear to value sacrifice over effectiveness. This focus on sacrifice, however, risks undermining their ability to achieve work goals.

How do we decide when to sacrifice and when to draw the line?

During my career as a U.S. diplomat, I made hundreds of sacrifices large and small. I risked my life in Iraq but am comfortable with that decision because I was keeping American citizens safe. I worked many weekends uncompensated and was woken in the middle of the night hundreds of times. I believed these sacrifices were warranted because they had a direct impact on vital foreign policy goals.

But other sacrifices were silly. When I worked as a control officer for a VIP visit a day after being released from the hospital, I jeopardized my health when another embassy employee could have taken my place. The sacrifice I most regret was when I didn't return to the United States when my dad had open-heart surgery because I'd just arrived in a new job and didn't want to upset my boss by asking for leave. If my dad had not survived this risky surgery, I would never have forgiven myself.

I realized that I made many sacrifices simply because the culture (no one individual) pressured me to do so. I often didn't achieve anything monumental, and at times my productivity suffered. Seriously, was I an effective control officer the day after being released from the hospital?

I learned to think about the sacrifices I feel compelled to make and then make a conscious decision about whether the sacrifice is worth it. I ask myself whether I would make the sacrifice for the right reason. I try to resist the cultural pressure to sacrifice as a way of demonstrating commitment or proving I can do something hard, but instead limit sacrifices to those that make a real difference.

And, if I don’t feel well or need a mental health day, I take sick leave.

How do you decide when to make or not make a sacrifice for your work?

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To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

Quitting Can Make You a Winner!

I recently helped a colleague quit his job, and he's happier than I've seen him in years. He worked for a cruel and racist boss who made him and his colleagues miserable.

At first, he didn't want to quit even though the job wasn't what he had expected. He didn't want to admit that the work environment was harming his well-being.

He believed that "winners never quit," and if he just tried harder, he could make it work. He didn't want to give up.

Thankfully, he realized that choosing to stop doing something that wasn't creating the results he desired made him a winner.

Many of us were raised to believe that winners never quit. We believe that persistence pays off in the long run, and we'd be losers if we give up. An emphasis on grit and perseverance reinforces the pressure to stay the course.

There are times, however, when we need to permit ourselves to call it quits. We need to ask, "If I stop doing this, what would be possible?" Or, "What would it be like if I left this toxic job or dropped this negative friendship?"

Permitting ourselves to quit doesn't apply only to harmful work environments or relationships. I worked with a brilliant Foreign Service officer who realized on her first day of training that she'd made the wrong decision. She was living her parents' dream and was miserable, even though all of her colleagues were excited.

When we met, she was discouraged and frustrated. Her demeanor changed, however, when she told me her dream of being an artist and what she would do with her life if she quit the Foreign Service. She knew what she wanted and just needed to permit herself to disappoint her friends and family. Once she left the Foreign Service, she became a winner.

If your instincts are telling you to quit something or someone, listen to it. Explore why you want to leave. What stops you from quitting? Write down the pros and cons of quitting and staying. Note the opportunity costs of staying. After exploring all of your options, permit yourself to call it quits if that's what you want.

What have you quit? What impact has quitting had on you?

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To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

Laughter Really Is the Best Medicine

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When I lived in India, I walked every morning in a local park, and there were always groups of people standing in circles laughing. I later discovered that they were practicing laughter yoga, an exercise involving prolonged voluntary laughter.

Why did they spend 30 minutes every morning laughing? They were lucky to discover that laughter is one of the best ways to build resilience and improve your well-being.

There are dozens of research studies highlighting the positive physical and psychological effects of laughter. One study found that social laughter releases endorphins in the brain, promoting social bonds. Neuroscientists discovered a focal pathway in the brain that causes immediate laughter when electrically stimulated, followed by a sense of calm and happiness. Another study found that humor improved the short-term memory of older adults.

Laughter reduces stress hormones, improves oxygen flow, relaxes muscles, and strengthens the immune system. The list of benefits goes on and on. Laughter may have more physiological and psychological benefits than almost any other activity we can engage in (other than eating and sleeping).

So, outside of finding a regular laughter yoga class, how do you incorporate laughter into your life? Here are some suggestions:

Find Funny Friends

Value friends and colleagues who make you laugh. Seek out these friends when your resilience is running low.

Watch Comedy Shows

Whether you're at a comedy club or watching late-night comedy on television, watch people who make you laugh. I watch 10-15 minutes of the Daily Show when I need a good laugh.

Play With Children

Children laugh much more than adults. They love to be silly and aren't yet worried about looking stupid. Playing with children reduces inhibitions and permits us to be silly as well.

Watch a Funny Sitcom or Movie

If your resilience is running low, choose a funny sitcom or movie to watch instead of a drama.

Collect Funny YouTube Videos

If you need a quick laughter boost, watch one of your favorite funny YouTube videos. My favorite is the Dover Police DashCam Confessional (Shake It Off). Even though I’ve seen it hundreds of times, it still makes me laugh every time I watch it!

How do you incorporate laughter into your life?

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To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

Gratitude Helped Jimmy Carter Beat Cancer

Tomorrow is World Gratitude Day, and I thought I'd share my favorite story about the power of gratitude.

In 2015, doctors told former President Jimmy Carter that they’d found metastatic melanoma on his brain. The prognosis was not good. Most patients with this type of cancer lived for only a few years after diagnosis.

At a press conference soon after receiving this news, the Washington Post described Carter as “so completely, boyishly happy that you could almost forget he’d also announced he has cancer in his brain.”

Carter told members of the press that he’d “had a wonderful life, thousands of friends, an exciting and adventurous and gratifying existence.” With a bright, happy smile, Carter described “A multiple infusion of gratitude” toward those who have gotten in touch since his cancer news first broke.

Now, five years later, Carter is cancer-free. While new immunotherapy drugs were critical for Carter's survival, living a life filled with gratitude was his superpower.

“The practice of gratitude can have dramatic and lasting effects in a person’s life,” says Robert A. Emmons, professor of psychology at UC Davis and a leading scientific expert on the science of gratitude. According to Emmons, gratitude “can lower blood pressure, improve immune function, and facilitate more efficient sleep. Gratitude reduces lifetime risk for depression, anxiety, and substance abuse disorders, and is a key resiliency factor in the prevention of suicide.”

In Emmon’s book Thanks!, he describes his discovery that people who express gratitude can cope more effectively with everyday stress. They show increased resilience in the face of trauma and recover more quickly from illness.

Thankfulness does not come naturally. It is a practice that must be cultivated and encouraged. Carter's Baptist faith inspired him to incorporate gratitude into his daily life. Most major religions promote gratitude, and prayer is an excellent way to practice thankfulness.

You don't need to be religious, however, to develop a daily practice of giving thanks. Writing thank-you notes, keeping a gratitude journal, and meditating are just a few ways you can routinely practice gratitude. Hopefully, Jimmy Carter's story will inspire you to live a life filled with gratitude.

What do you do to incorporate gratitude into your daily life?

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To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

What Happens When You Accept What You Can't Control or Influence

Everything that happens in our lives falls into three categories. There are actions over which we have full control, such as our behavior and what we say to people. There are things we can influence, including other peoples’ behavior. Then, there are realities over which we have no control or influence.

If we spend too much time ruminating or fighting issues and events over which we have no control or influence, our resilience will quickly erode. Focusing on things you can't change wastes energy better-used elsewhere.

Unfortunately, it is easy to get trapped in this sphere. The best way to escape is to accept what you cannot control or influence.

"Acceptance" means "to take or receive what is offered." In human psychology, acceptance means that a person recognizes the reality of a situation, and decides not to resist or deny this reality. Acceptance is not approval or acquiescence. It does not mean you like, want, or support what is happening.

Acceptance is not always easy. This was made clear to me when I recently trained a group of social justice advocates. I used racism as an example to explain the Sphere of Control. While we were able to list what we could control and influence, we struggled emotionally to accept what was outside of our control/influence. For example, we did not want to accept that some people believe they have more value than others due to the color of their skin.

Unfortunately, it may not be possible to influence another person's core beliefs. When we find these beliefs offensive, it is a hard reality for many of us to accept.

Some participants wanted to use a different word. For example, some people teach the Sphere of Control using the word "concern" instead of "accept." I agree that it would be easier to express concern about White Supremacists rather than to accept that they exist.

However, I believe it is essential to take the emotional step of acceptance, which goes beyond recognizing reality by deciding not to resist or deny the hard truth. And, it’s important to remember that acceptance does not mean you approve of the beliefs.

Ironically, I also believe that acceptance can help us better influence other peoples' behaviors. While beliefs may not be changed, we can often impact the actions of other people.

For example, if I accept that a person has racist beliefs, I'm more likely to develop tactics to influence his behavior with that reality in mind. I also signal to the person that I see him for what he is, even if I find what I perceive to be abhorrent.

If I acknowledge but don't accept his beliefs, I risk spending my energy trying to get him to change his views instead of focusing on influencing his behavior. When we deny reality, we are less able to influence outcomes. 

How do you accept what is outside of your control or influence?

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To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

How to Manage a Bully

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Unfortunately, workplace bullying -- repeated and unreasonable behavior directed towards a worker or group of workers that creates a risk to health and safety -- is all too common. In times of chronic stress or constant uncertainty, workplace bullying may increase.

Working with a bully can quickly erode your resilience due to the chronic stress it generates. Here are some suggestions on how to handle a bully in your workplace:

Stand up for Yourself

Bullies count on others being passive or afraid. Most back off if their targets stand up for themselves. Show the bully that he made a mistake targeting you. Communicate that you can defend yourself without being aggressive or mean in return.

Be Confident

Bullies quickly identify people they can control and manipulate. To help maintain a calm, cool composure, take a few deep breaths before your conversation. Try your best to prevent your emotions and anger from being directed at the bully. To avoid looking nervous, insecure, or defeated, prepare for interactions with the bully. Practice the one or two things you want to say to the bully. Remind yourself that your feelings are valid. No matter what happens during your discussion, try your best to stay steady and remain professional.

Stay in Your Sphere of Control

While you have no control over what other people say or do, you do have control over your response. If you can't calmly address the bully, then postpone confronting her.

Walk Away

If the bully’s behavior is extreme (yelling, abusive language), walk away. Tell the person that you will continue the conversation only if the person is willing to communicate professionally. Walk away if you start to lose control.

Be Specific

When addressing the bully's behavior, have particular examples ready of how she has hurt you. If you don't have detailed examples to point to, it may look like you are overreacting.

Continue to Work Hard

Do not allow bullying to derail your work. Focus on your tasks and don't spend too much time talking with other co-workers about what is happening. Do not let the turmoil the bully creates cause you to fall behind on projects.

Keep Records

Keep a detailed record of all the bullying incidents, including dates, times, and witnesses. Keep all of your electronic correspondence with the bully.

Get Help

Immediately report the bullying to the bully's boss. If the boss won't or is unable to address the bad behavior, report it to your HR office or someone else who has the authority to take action.

Don’t Blame Yourself

Remind yourself that your colleague chose to bully you and others in the workplace and you are doing nothing wrong. Don't let the bully shift the blame for his bad behavior.

Look for Another Job

If the bullying is becoming unbearable or having a significant negative impact on your well-being, consider looking for another position. Searching for alternatives will give you some control over the situation even if you stay where you are.

How have you responded to workplace bullying?

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To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

Want to Be More Productive? Take Breaks!

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Many people assume that the more time they spend working, the more productive they will be. We worry that if we don't stay on task all the time, we won't be effective. This assumption is wrong.

When it comes to productivity, it is not the number of hours we devote, but the level of energy we bring to each hour we spend on a task. If we have high energy, it will take fewer hours to complete a task.

Building regular breaks into your work routine will reenergize you and therefore make you much more effective. It will also improve your focus, creativity, and concentration.

Researchers recommend taking a short, 10-minute break every 90 minutes. Here are several activities you can do in 5-10 minutes for a quick energy boost.

Stretch

Stretches have the added benefit of countering the harmful effects of sitting at a computer all day. Here's my favorite five-minute full-body stretch.

Go for a Walk

Go outside and walk around the block. Visit a local park. The fresh air and change of scenery will give you a mental boost. 

Have a Healthy Snack

Brains burn glucose, a form of sugar. When we work hard, we use up our glucose, and a healthy snack provides the fuel we need to focus and concentrate. Keep a supply of fruit, yogurt, nuts, or sliced vegetables at work to avoid eating too much sugar from the vending machine.

Make a Cup of Tea

The time it takes to boil water and steep a tea bag is the perfect amount of time for a break. If you don't have a kitchen at work, consider buying a tea kettle for your workspace. Stand up, fill the pot with water, choose the type of tea you want, and spend a few quiet moments while the tea steeps. The added benefit is that you now have a nice cup of tea as you restart your work.

Work on a Jigsaw Puzzle

I'm a fan of having puzzles, coloring books, and other creative outlets at work. Spending 5-10 minutes being creative provides a quick energy boost. Warning - set your stopwatch to avoid losing track of time.

Clean Your Work Area

Cleaning and organizing clear the mind and will also give you a sense of accomplishment. Be careful not to substitute cleaning and organizing for actual work.

Listen to Music

Stream two of your favorite songs. Close your eyes and lose yourself in the moment. Focus only on the music, letting your mind go where the music takes you. When you're finished, you'll be amazed by how much energy this gives you.

Talk to Coworkers

Say hi to a colleague, ask about her weekend, hobbies, or family. Don't talk about work. You may be tempted to chat for more than 5-10 minutes, so watch the time. 

Tend Plants

Plants add life and vibrancy to a workspace. Check the soil to see if they need water, prune the stems, and polish the leaves.

Meditate

There are hundreds of apps now that provide 5-10 minute guided meditations. Go someplace quiet and spend a few minutes resting your brain. Praying offers the same benefits as meditation so if you're religious, build in a prayer break. 

What do you do on your breaks from work?

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To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

Want to Have a Meaningful Life? Draw Your Tree of Life

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Having meaning and purpose is one of the best ways to build resilience. To have a meaningful life, you need to to know who you are, and one way to get to know yourself is to create a story for your life.

I discovered the Tree of Life in Nathan B. Weller’s storytelling blog. It is a useful tool that can help you visualize your life and develop your story.

The tree represents your past, present, and future. By looking at each part of your story, you can discover how the past shaped who you are today and actively cultivate your tree to reflect the kind of person you want to be moving forward.

Start by drawing a tree with a trunk, roots, branches, leaves, and fruit. Draw a compost heap next to it. Then, fill in the various sections per the instructions below.

Roots. Describe your origin. What is your cultural and ethnic identity? What influenced and shaped you as a child? Where did you live?

Ground. Write about what you do every week. What is your routine? What are your key activities?

Trunk. List your skills and values. What makes you who you are today?

Branches. Identify your long and short-term hopes and dreams. What are your goals? What would you like to be in the future?

Leaves. List the names of everyone who has positively influenced and supported you. These may be friends, family, mentors, heroes, even pets. 

Fruit. Describe the legacies that have been passed on to you. Look at the names you wrote on your leaves. What impact did they have on you? What have they given to you over the years?

Flowers & Seeds. Describe the legacies you wish to leave to others. How would you like to be remembered by the people you've touched in the world? 

Compost Heap. Identify what you no longer want in your life. What don't you want to define you? Include past trauma, abuse, social pressure, or cultural standards. You can also include negative images you've had of yourself.

Don’t rush this exercise. If you start with only one or two items per section, that’s fine. As you complete each part of the tree, memories and ideas will come to you. You don’t need to complete the tree in any specific

After you complete your tree, study it. Discuss it with a trusted friend or family number. What story does your tree tell?

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To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course. order. Use a pencil so you can make changes.