Sleep Is the Best Kept Secret

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How much sleep do you get? Are you one of over 35% of adults who sleep less than 7 hours per night? If so, you may be missing out on what sleep researcher Matthew Walker says "is the single most effective thing we can do to reset our brain and body health each day."

Sleep cleanses our brains of toxins, consolidates memories, prevents an escalation of physiological stress, regulates emotions, and sharpens our minds.

Getting less than 7-9 hours of sleep increases the likelihood of having a traffic accident, reduces creativity, limits productivity, and increases the risk of illnesses such as diabetes and Alzheimer’s.

If sleep is so great, why don’t many of us make it a priority?

Many people incorrectly believe they are among a rare group of people who don't need 7-9 hours of sleep per night. We think we'll be more productive if we sleep less. We strive to be like the CEOs who brag about being more prolific and accomplished because they need only five hours of sleep. Sleep specialist Thomas Roth spent many years looking for individuals who perform well on less sleep. He concluded that "the number of people who can survive on five hours of sleep or less without any impairment, expressed as a percent of the population, rounded to a whole number, is zero."

People in some professions (e.g., truck drivers, medical professionals, machine operators, and military personnel) are expected to work too many hours, and sufficient sleep is impractical if not impossible. Shift workers and constant travelers throw off their circadian rhythms so much their brains don't know when it is time to sleep.

Some of us have medical conditions that disrupt our sleep. For example, approximately 70% of individuals with PTSD have sleep disturbances. Having low resilience can make it harder to get a good night's sleep.

If you're struggling to get 7-9 hours of sleep each night, spend some time exploring the reasons why you're not sleeping. Once you've identified the cause, develop a strategy that minimizes or eliminates the barriers, and maintains your motivation to change your sleep habits. Make getting a good night's sleep a priority.

For example, if you don’t sleep enough because you feel you cannot spare the time, remind yourself that this thinking is counterproductive. Schedule sleep on your calendar if necessary to carve out sufficient time. Stop doing other things that are lower priorities.

If your work duties limit your sleep options, remind decision-makers that structural barriers to sleep are undermining workplace productivity and effectiveness. Explore options that prioritize an employee's ability to get sufficient sleep. For example, one company I worked with adjusted shift changes from every three days to every month. As a result, employees were no longer continually adapting their circadian rhythms because of a new shift.

If you have trouble falling or staying asleep, read the National Sleep Foundation’s sleep tips, and implement as many of their suggestions as possible. Try out different practices to see what does and doesn't work for you. Incorporate sleep techniques into your daily routine.

If you need some extra motivation, read Matthew Walker’s book Why We Sleep: Unlocking the Power of Sleep and Dreams. In addition to explaining the science behind sleep, he provides actionable steps towards getting a better night’s sleep every night.

Consult your doctor before taking any sleep medications or aids, including dietary supplements (e.g., Valerian) and hormones (e.g., Melatonin). While sleep medications or aids may be useful for occasional sleeplessness, particularly when traveling, many have adverse long-term effects.

Do you get 7-9 hours of sleep per night? What helps you sleep?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

Why Meaning is More Valuable Than Happiness

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Your pursuit of happiness may be causing more harm than good. Many people who focus on being happy have only fleeting moments of joy, and they often have low resilience.

People who pursue meaning, however, have stronger psychological health and higher resilience.

Several studies over the past few years have found weak associations between happiness and adaptive functioning. Other research highlights the temporary benefits of happiness versus long-term gains from meaning.

One researcher compared students who did things that made their life meaningful with those who focused on their happiness. Initially, the " happy" group got happier, and the "meaningful" group felt they had more meaning. But three months later, the happy feelings of the "happy" group faded while the students who had pursued meaning said they felt more "enriched," "inspired," and "part of something greater than myself." They also reported fewer negative moods.

Viktor Frankl reached the same conclusions after being imprisoned in a concentration camp during the Holocaust. In his book, Man's Search for Meaning, he writes that prisoners who lost meaning died more quickly than those who still had meaning despite their hardships.

Emily Esfahani Smith explains in her 2017 book, The Power of Meaning, that having a meaningful life is different from being happy. She explains that "the happy life is an easy life, one in which we feel good much of the time and experience little stress or worry." However, "the pursuit of happiness was linked to selfish behavior — being a taker rather than a giver."

Here are some things you can do if you're looking for more meaning in your life:

Join a Group

One of the quickest ways to add meaning to your life is to be active in a group. Not part of a group? Join one. No groups to join? Start one.

Tell Your Story

Write your story. Where do you come from, who influenced you growing up, and what are your dreams and aspirations? Do you have a redemption story from a time when you experienced an adverse event followed by a positive development?

Write Your Obituary

How do you want people to remember you when you die? Are you that person right now? If not, what do you need to change to be that person?

Volunteer

Helping others is one of the best ways to bring meaning into your life. Look for ways you can give your time and energy to a good cause, a friend, or a family member.

Find Your Passion

Being passionate about something other than your work can provide significant meaning in your life. What brings you joy and excitement? Make time for it.

Have Faith

Many people find deep meaning in their religious beliefs. If you are devout, strengthen your faith and participate in religious gatherings.

How do you find meaning and purpose?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

Stop When You've Done Enough

American culture often pushes us to do more. We think if we spend more time on a project, we can make it even better. If we put in more hours at work, we'll get that promotion.

Recently, a neighbor encouraged me to add more laps to my morning swim, arguing that if I'm not doing more, then I'm going backward.

While striving to do more can inspire many of us to do great things, it also risks eroding our resilience. Too often, the compulsion to do more or trying to make it even better sucks up the time and energy we should be spending on self-care and fostering social networks, two critical resilience factors.

Attempting to be the best at everything often makes us unhappy and unfulfilled, and risks not being good at anything. This constant need to do more is also one reason we have an epidemic of burnout, and too many employees report they are overworked and exhausted.

Research provides some insights into how to break out of a do more cycle. It turns out that satisficers, people who stop at good enough, are happier than maximizers, people who feel they must always choose the best option.

Psychologist Barry Smith, author of The Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less, found that people who are satisficers are generally more optimistic, happier, and less regretful than people who are maximizers. He did a study of college seniors looking for jobs and found that maximizers got better jobs but felt worse about the jobs they got than satisficers did.

Stopping when you’ve done enough does not mean submitting mediocre work, shirking responsibilities, or not aspiring to excellence. Instead, it’s determining what excellence looks like ahead of time and stopping once you’ve reached it.

As a supervisor, I regularly saw better performance from staff who knew when to stop than those who tried to be perfect. And, the employees who knew when to stop were able to complete more work because they weren’t bogged down with a single project.

Here are some tips on how you can stop when you’ve done enough:

Define Enough

Sit down with people close to you and talk about your personal, professional, and financial goals. What does enough feel and look like for you? When you get a new work project, discuss with your supervisor what level of effort is required and what result is enough to achieve the project goals.

Write Down Your Goals

After you decide what enough looks like, write it down. Written goals will help you resist the temptation to shift the goal post once you've accomplished enough. Revisit these written goals regularly.

Resist Social Pressure

Recognize that there is a lot of social pressure to do more and use your written goals to help resist this pressure. If people push you to do more, let them know that you are satisfied and happy where you are.

Calculate the Opportunity Costs

Many of us focus only on the positive results of doing more and forget to calculate the costs. If you spend two more hours on a project, what won't you do instead, and is it worth it?

It’s OK to Change Your Mind

It's perfectly fine to change your mind and set new goals but do so with intention and input from people who know and care about you as a person. Make sure you're setting new goals because of what you want, not what society is pressuring you to do.

Don’t Be a Perfectionist

Remind yourself that the need for perfection is rare. Most of us are not brain surgeons or rocket scientists where anything less than perfect can cause death or significant financial loss. Ask yourself whether 80% or 90% is good enough. Evaluate the worst-case scenario if you do 80% and decide whether you can live with that outcome.

Do you stop when you’ve done enough? What helps you be a satisficer instead of a maximizer?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

What "Should Be" Is a Trap

A few years ago I met with Chris (not his real name), a Foreign Service officer who was having trouble bouncing back after not being selected for an assignment he really wanted. As he described what was happening, he kept using the word “should.”

His current boss "should" have advocated more forcefully for his candidacy. The Ambassador "should" have fought for him because he was the most qualified candidate.

An office in Washington "should" not have promoted their candidate, given he had less experience than Chris. Chris believed he had been jerked around and that several people "should" help him get a good assignment to compensate.

Chris was mentally trapped in what "should be," and it was eroding his resilience. Instead, he needed to shift his focus to "what is."

For example, Chris's boss had a poor relationship with key individuals who influenced the assignment Chris wanted. Therefore, it was unlikely Chris's boss was going to reach out and advocate on Chris's behalf. If Chris had recognized this reality, he may have found other mentors who could have supported him. Or, he may have reached out directly to the decision-makers to lobby for the job.

Chris also had an idealized view of the Foreign Service assignment process, believing it should be fair and transparent when, instead, it is opaque and based on personal connections and reputations. Since many highly qualified people apply for the same positions, leaders tend to pick the people they know and trust with whom to work. While this culture is less than ideal, if Chris had accepted what is, he could have made himself more competitive by cultivating more relationships and lobbying for positions rather than relying only on his qualifications.

When Chris found himself without an assignment, his insistence that he was owed something because he was jerked around meant he wasn't getting anything. The reality is that no one perceived that they owed Chris something and so they did nothing to help him. By relying on others to "do what is right," Chris trapped himself in a corner that gave him few options.

Accepting "what is" does not mean acquiescing to unfairness or injustice. Instead, after you decide what you think should be, make an effort to understand what is and why it is that way. You may adjust your image of what should be by better understanding other people's motivations and situations. Then, make a conscious decision about how to move forward.

It is ok to accept what is and adapt your behavior accordingly. For example, the checkout lines at my local grocery store are slow. Instead of seething about the slow lines every time I shop, I remind myself that the lines are slow because the women working the registers are friendly and chatty and take their time. I realize that this is a reality I’m not willing or probably even able to change. So, I avoid shopping when I’m in a hurry.

If you feel strongly about what should be, make a deliberate decision whether you will try to influence reality. Many people promoting social justice are doing just that, and they have a positive impact on society. To be successful at changing something, you first need to understand what it is. Then, if you decide you want to influence what is, build a coalition of like-minded people, clearly define your goals, and develop a strategy for making the change given on-the-ground realities. These actions will help you stay resilient, even when improvements are hard to achieve.

For example, when I returned from Iraq in 2004, I thought the State Department did a poor job of supporting me and others serving in dangerous postings. I thought they should do better. I also accepted the bureaucratic realities and the limitations of the State Department's culture. For 15 years, I worked with allies to change what is, and while it still isn't perfect and isn't yet what I think should be, it is much better than it was and is continuing to improve. If I had gotten stuck in 2004 over what should be, I would not have recovered my productivity and resilience as quickly as I did and I would not have been able to make the positive changes I believed were needed.

So, if you are stuck in what “should be,” get a realistic picture of “what is” and then make a conscious decision about whether you’ll accept what is and adapt your behavior accordingly, or join up with others to make a change.

What is your experience accepting or influencing “what is?”

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

Hobbies Are Not a Waste of Time

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Do you have a hobby, something you do just because you enjoy it and it makes you feel good? If not, ask yourself why. Too many people view hobbies as frivolous, something we should only do when we have time leftover from our "real" priorities. We don't feel productive when engaged in a hobby, so we think we are wasting time.

The reality is that hobbies have a positive impact on our work productivity, even if we don't see it directly. Many hobbies rest our brains and allow us to recover and rejuvenate.

A 2009 study showed that more time spent on leisure activities correlated with lower blood pressure, lower levels of depression and stress, and overall better psychological and physical functioning. Hobbies can also jump-start your creativity, or allow your mind to wander and look at issues from a new angle.

If you already have a hobby, schedule time for the activity instead of waiting until you have time left over. If you don't have a hobby, make it a priority to find one. Here are some tips on finding a hobby as an adult:

Go Back to Your Childhood

What did you like to do as a child? The chances are that you will still enjoy those activities that gave you so much pleasure. Don't view actions as "childish" or something you should have outgrown.

Try Different Options

Give new activities a try and see if they stick. Ask friends if you can join them for their hobbies, take a class, or attend a club meeting. If a hobby isn't working, don't hesitate to drop it and try something else.

Revisit Past Hobbies

Did you have hobbies in the past that you dropped? Explore why you stopped and consider picking up an old hobby and trying again. I stopped photographing for years and realized that I was intimidated by digital cameras. One photography class solved that problem, and I've been creating photos ever since. 

What Are Your Guilty Pleasures?

What do you like to do on vacation? How do you spend money when you're frivolous? These may be keys to a hobby you'll find engaging and rewarding.

Establish a Hobby Budget

If you don't engage in hobbies because of the expense, consider starting a new bank account with automatic deposits to provide a pot of money you are always allowed to spend on the hobby despite other priorities. I've kept a travel bank account for years, and I never feel guilty spending these funds. 

Banish the Guilt

Hobbies are activities you do for sheer pleasure. Hobbies don't need to earn money, and they don't need to be part of a self-improvement effort. Stop feeling guilty about being unproductive and instead remind yourself that constant productivity is harmful in the long run.

Are you struggling to find a hobby? Check out this extensive guide and this article for more guidance on how to find a new hobby.

How does your hobby impact your resilience?

 ___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

We All Need Help. Here's How to Ask.

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A few years ago, two colleagues assumed new, challenging leadership roles. One coworker wanted to prove he was capable of leading on his own. He worried that if he asked for help, he would appear vulnerable and weak. He also felt guilty, thinking that if he asked for support, he would burden other people.

As a result, his resilience eroded, and he struggled in the new position. Colleagues were frustrated, and some thought he did not trust them because he would not seek their support.

My second colleague reached out to multiple people for help. She sought advice from mentors, signed up for a coach, and communicated to her new staff that she needed their support. She thrived in her new position. Her team felt valued, and her supervisor was very pleased.

While asking for help is a powerful resilience skill, it is remarkable how often people are reluctant to seek support from others. Like my first colleague, many people are afraid that needing help is a sign of weakness or incompetence, and that they will appear vulnerable and needy. They don't want to burden others.

However, seeking assistance often has the opposite effect. It is a compliment to be asked for advice and input; people want to support each other. When getting help improves performance, a person comes across as competent and capable. As we become more senior leaders, it is nearly impossible to succeed without help.

Here are some suggestions on how to ask for help:

Build Trust

Build relationships with your colleagues to develop trust. Offer to support coworkers if you see them struggling. Once you've built trust, it will be much easier to reach out to people when you need their support.

Set Clear Intentions

Before you ask for help, clarify what you need from the other person. Do you want advice? Do you want someone to help you do a task? Do you want someone to listen and help you formulate solutions? When you are clear about your intentions, you'll be more effective in communicating what you need.

Appreciate Imperfection

When you ask for help, you may not always get precisely what you want. However, even imperfect coaching or advice can provide valuable insights. While your helper may not have done the work your way, he still took a burden off your shoulders. Focus on the benefits and express your gratitude regardless of the quality of the assistance.

Be Honest

Be honest about what you can and cannot do. Showing vulnerability and imperfection will demonstrate your humanity and permit others to do the same.

Be Authentic

Don't ask for help if you don't want the assistance. People can tell whether you are faking and will be insulted if they perceive that your request for support is just a way of seeking validation or a power play. If you don't want help, don't ask for it.

Don’t Follow Everyone’s Advice

Some people are reluctant to seek input because they believe they must then take the advice given. Thank people for their suggestions and then decide what works for you. Sometimes guidance from another person helps you identify why you chose a different path. However, if there are people whose advice you consistently ignore, think about why you’re seeking their input and reconsider reaching out to those individuals.

Don’t Be Needy

While asking for help is powerful, it will cause damage if it becomes neediness. For example, a weekly 15-minute call with a mentor is invaluable, but a daily 30-minute call is needy.

Don’t Be a Drama King/Queen

Don’t portray yourself as a helpless victim in need of constant protection. Drama can be distracting and may cause potential helpers to avoid you. Even if you are a victim of harassment or discrimination, seek help in a way that communicates that you are taking charge and fighting back, not that you want someone else to take over solving this problem for you.

Start Small

If you struggle to ask for help, start with small requests such as asking a family member to help you clean the kitchen after dinner or asking a colleague for advice on what to include in the next meeting agenda. As you become more skilled at asking for help, expand to more challenging situations. Asking for help is a skill that improves with practice. 

What has helped you ask for help?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

When Your Values Conflict With Work

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In 2003, I opened the Office of the U.S. Consul in Baghdad to assist private American citizens living and working in Iraq. I disagreed with the decision to invade Iraq but thought I could have a positive impact on how the U.S. government proceeded post-invasion. I was wrong. I arrived soon after the establishment of the Coalition Provisional Authority (CPA), the legal entity that governed Iraq for one year. In theory, it was a coalition of various countries, but in reality, the United States was in charge. We were awful occupiers. Iraqis would come to my office because they could not access the CPA headquarters. They asked me for help reporting crimes to non-existent police, finding family members abducted/arrested the night before by unknown American assailants, and getting out of their country because their lives were in danger.

For the first time in my life, I struggled to reconcile my job with my values and morals. In retrospect, I realize that I should have considered curtailing from the assignment when I first realized the disconnect between my values and reality on the ground, but my sense of commitment was too strong. It never occurred to me to leave. I kept hoping that what I witnessed was just an anomaly. The U.S. government couldn't be this bad; it must get better. I thought I could still do a little good by staying. Unfortunately, this disconnect contributed to my development of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). After my hotel was hit by rockets, I would ruminate over whether our efforts in Iraq were worth the risks I was taking. If I died, would my death be meaningless?

Part of my recovery from PTSD was going back and finding a way to feel comfortable with my role as a U.S. government official during the occupation. I did so by reframing my purpose - I was there to assist and protect American citizens and did the best I could. I was not responsible for the counterproductive and harmful actions of other U.S. government officials. I had to work through my survivor guilt. Why did I escape physical injury while others lost limbs and lives? Why didn't I quit and go public about the wrongs I was witnessing? Could I have done more to help people? I realized that I still had to find meaning and purpose from my experience in Iraq if I wanted to leave the year behind and move on.

As I discovered the powerful effect meaning and purpose have on an individual’s resilience, I realized that I had lost meaning in my work when I witnessed U.S. government leaders engaged in actions that I found to be morally offensive. Once I found meaning, even retroactively, I became more resilient. I realized that even if we find meaning and purpose outside work, the lack of it at work will still erode our resilience pretty quickly. Here are some tips for finding meaning and purpose at work if you have a conflict between your work and personal values:

Clarify the conflict. Do you disagree with the organization’s policy or do you believe that the policy is harmful or immoral? It is easier to reconcile disagreements than it is to work on something that conflicts with your core values is much harder.

Search for meaning, no matter how small. If you disagree with your office’s mission, are there other parts of your work that give you meaning? For example, do you derive meaning from helping your colleagues, learning new skills, or trying to minimize the negative impact of the mission?

Think about your role. Consider what role you play in the organization and the impact you may or may not have on important decisions. Are you responsible for the actions of leadership? Can you impact the direction of the organization? Are you having a positive or negative impact?

Stay in control. If office goals or actions conflict with your core values, make a conscious decision about whether you will stay in that position or remain with the organization. Weigh the pros and cons of each choice, factoring in the negative impact of working against core values. Explore your options. Can you move to another position in the organization? Can you take time off either by doing a detail, long-term training or leave without pay? There is no right or wrong decision, but making a decision will give you back some control over the situation.

Find social support. Reach out to like-minded people with whom you can talk through the disconnect and who can help you frame what is happening and explore possible responses. It is hard to work through these conflicts by yourself.

Have you worked in an organization that conflicts with your core values? How did you respond?

I help individuals and teams thrive in adversity by providing practical skills and tools I developed over several decades as a U.S. diplomat in challenging environments. Visit my website to learn more about how I can help you and your team avoid burnout and become more innovative, collaborative, and productive despite overwhelming challenges, constant change, and chronic stress. Follow me on Twitter at @payneresilience.

How to Survive a Toxic Work Environment

Over the past few years, I've interviewed hundreds of employees about the types of chronic stress they experience in their lives. Unfortunately, many report that their worst stress stems from having a "toxic workplace," a work environment that is poisonous, has excessive personal drama, includes mean-spirited leaders or colleagues, and allows destructive behaviors such as bullying and sexual harassment.

Working in a toxic environment will very quickly erode your resilience. While it is advisable to remove yourself from a toxic workplace, that is not always possible. And, while senior leadership should take action to eliminate toxic work environments, the reality is that many leaders do not remove toxic people from the office.

If you find yourself working in a toxic office, here are some suggestions for boosting your resilience until you can leave, the toxic person is removed, or a toxic culture is eliminated:

Establish Boundaries

While it is hard to set boundaries and say no, it is critical to do so in a toxic work environment. Write down clear and concise boundaries, such as taking your lunch break, not coming in early or staying late, not working on the weekends, or not responding to your boss at all hours of the day. Remember your boundaries and stick to them.

Create a Positive Work Space

While you may not be able to control or influence very much in your work environment, you usually can decide how to decorate your work space. Hang relaxing posters, have pictures of people you love, and post positive quotes. Remind yourself that your job is not everything and that you have a happy life.

Don’t Take Negativity Home With You

While your workplace may be filled with negativity, have a strategy for transitioning to a more positive outlook before you arrive home in the evening. If you have to work from home, set limits on when you'll do your work. If you start thinking about work after hours, find something to distract you.

Seek Social Support

Find a supportive friend who will let you vent and release pent up frustration. Let your friend know that you don't need a problem solver, just a safe space to talk. Balance time with that friend doing positive activities that involve fun and laughter so you don't burn out your friend.

Avoid Drama

Don't gossip or get drawn into constant chatter about a toxic employee or boss. If you need to report events to a colleague or supervisor, focus on behavior you observed and not stories you've heard. Stay grounded in reality.

Take Action

Report inappropriate behavior that you witnessed to appropriate authorities such as senior leaders and/or HR. If you work for the government, consider reporting behavior to your Office of Inspector General, the Office of Civil Rights, or your Ombudsman. Even if the people to whom you report the behavior do not take the action you'd like them to take, you'll know you did the right thing by reporting bad behavior.

Stay True to Yourself

Resist being drawn into acting badly. Remind yourself of your core values, remain authentic, and stay on the high road. Resist the temptation to "win" against a toxic employee by compromising your principles. Toxic people often try to manipulate colleagues into engaging in bad behavior in order to have someone to blame later if they are held accountable.

Look for the Good

Write down everything positive about your situation and when you are particularly down, read your list. Add to it. Keep your focus on the positive as much as possible.

Remember that Your Job Isn’t Everything

Avoid associating your happiness and self-worth only with your job. Your career is important, but so are family, friends, physical health, mental health, hobbies, your residence, and your community engagement. When things are not going well at work, focus on building up the parts of your life outside of work so that unhappiness with work will not dominate your feelings about life in general. 

Protect Yourself

Communicate clearly and keep notes of conversations. Keep all of your written communications. Don't let problems fester but confront them immediately and professionally.

Ask for Help

Working in a toxic environment can quickly erode mental health. If you find that you are experiencing characteristics of low resilience that are severe and last for long periods of time, or they interfere with your normal functioning, seek help through your company’s Employee Assistance Program or your own personal physician or mental health professional.

Create an Exit Strategy

While it may not be easy to leave your job, create an exit strategy and take small steps towards a better future. This signals your brain that your current situation won’t last forever. Remember what you are working towards and what you are creating instead of what is happening right now.

Have you worked in a toxic office? If so, how did you survive?

___________________________

 To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

Take a Mental Health Day

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A "mental health day" is when an employee takes sick leave to focus on their mental well-being. Mental health days can be controversial if management perceives them to be a misuse of sick leave or just an excuse to play hooky.

Some employees are reluctant to take a mental health day because they believe it is a sign of weakness; they should not need a day off to focus on themselves.

However, if you are feeling run down and experiencing characteristics of low resilience, you are just as impaired as if you have a cold or the flu. Taking a mental health day will help you recharge and improve your resilience, resulting in higher productivity at work. Supervisors who encourage mental health days will find their employees are more effective in the long run.

Here's some advice on how to spend a day away from work recharging:

Plan Ahead

Schedule your mental health day at least a week in advance, so your boss and co-workers are prepared. Plan your mental health day during a slow time in the office. Check the calendar and your schedule to ensure your day off works for everyone.

Be Honest

Don’t violate your organization’s HR rules or lie to your supervisor. If your office frowns on taking sick leave for mental health reasons, explain why you need the day off and how it will positively impact your performance once you’re back at work.

Plan Your Day

Unstructured free time is not always relaxing. Use your mental health day to engage in resilience-enhancing activities instead of doing errands and chores. Pursue a hobby, visit a museum (virtually during the pandemic), or exercise. Focus on yourself. You'll be amazed at how much better you feel once you're back at work.

Don’t Feel Guilty

You may feel uncomfortable or guilty during your day off. Brush this feeling aside. Using sick leave for a mental health day is legitimate and restorative.

Three-Day Weekends are Great

If possible, try to pick a Friday or a Monday if you don't work on weekends. Three days without working can do miracles. If that isn’t possible, taking a day off mid-week can also be beneficial.

Keep it to Yourself

If you post your mental health day activities on social media, you may be disturbed by unwanted attention. Think twice before posting.

Do you take mental health days?  How do you make them work for you?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

11 Tips on How to Say No

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I believe that the ability to say no is an essential resilience skill since it helps us stay in control of our time and provides the space we need to practice the five resilience factors. Unfortunately, it is tough to say no even when we know we should. If you want to become better at saying no, try some of these tips:

Know Why You Say Yes

Many of us say yes because we want to be the perfect employee, don't want to disappoint others, avoid conflict, or have a strong sense of duty. Identify the reasons you say yes when you would prefer to say no and actively counter them. For example, if you tend to avoid conflict, recognize this and prepare yourself to work through the tension this creates.

Set Boundaries

Set clear limits that allow you to evaluate every request to determine whether it falls within your boundaries. If a request crosses a boundary, remind yourself why you established the boundary and the costs associated with saying yes. Setting priorities is one example of setting boundaries, making it easier to explain that a work request is not a priority at the moment and, therefore, cannot be done.

Take Some Time

Replace an instant yes with “Let me check my calendar” or “I’ll get back to you” to give yourself the time to check whether yes is consistent with your boundaries. If you decide to say no, it gives you time to plan how you will deliver this message.

Be Clear

It’s tempting to water-down a no, but doing so can result in miscommunication about expectations that can eventually damage your reputation and relationship.

Explain Why

Give an honest explanation that you think is most credible to the person making the request. Examples include: “My team is down two people, and we are only taking on new assignments if they are in our top five priorities” or “This is outside my area of expertise, and I don’t want to deliver a sub-par product.”

Don’t Argue

Don’t let your requester argue with you about the validity of your reason for declining the request. If he attempts to debate, repeat your explanation over and over until he gives up.

Remember Long Term Impacts

It is tempting to make someone happy in the short term by saying yes, but if you are overwhelmed and cannot fulfill your promise or provide substandard work, you'll have a very frustrated person later on. You also risk developing a reputation for not keeping promises. It is much better to have some minor disappointment in the near term than anger in the long run.

Provide Other Options

If you want to be helpful without saying yes, direct the asker to different ways she can meet her needs. While not always possible, this can lessen potential conflict or disappointment since the asker is achieving her goal.

Don't Blame the Person Asking

It is common to become annoyed or angry with people who ask for something you do not want to provide. Remind yourself that asking for something, if done professionally, is not wrong. If you struggle to say no, that's behavior for you to address and it doesn't help to blame the asker.

Value the Request

By acknowledging a person but saying no to the specific request, you may reduce your guilt and preserve a meaningful relationship. For example, if a colleague asks you to buy a box of Girl Scout cookies from his daughter, you may respond that you admire the Girl Scouts and think their annual cookie sales is a great effort, however, you’re trying to cut back on sweets and already bought the one box of cookies you allow yourself every year.

Drop the Guilt

Guilt signals that you’ve done something wrong and need to make amends. Many of us feel guilty habitually, even when we’ve done nothing wrong. When you feel guilty, ask yourself, “have I harmed someone or acted in conflict with my values?” If yes, apologize, and do better. If no, remind yourself that there is no reason to feel guilty.

What helps you say no?

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To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.