How to Reframe Negative Thoughts

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Human beings are hardwired to be aware of and avoid danger, which means we are often scanning the world for negativity. Negativity is highly contagious, which means you're more likely to be impacted by someone else's pessimistic viewpoint than an optimistic outlook.

We are also more likely to remember negative encounters instead of positive interactions. While our brain stores bad news into long-term memory quickly, we need more time for positive experiences to transfer from short-term to long-term memory. Psychologist Dr. Rick Hanson describes it this way: “The brain is like Velcro for negative experiences but Teflon for positive ones.”

Unfortunately, too much negativity will erode our resilience, and since negativity is contagious, it can have a corrosive impact on relationships and group cohesion. To stay resilient, we need to make a conscious effort to counter negative thoughts and focus instead on the positive.

It’s important to acknowledge the negativity since suppressing negative emotions or ignoring bad news will cause harm in the long run. When we spend energy suppressing negative emotions, we often don't have any leftover for more positive behaviors such as exercise or eating well. We also risk an explosion of emotion or moodiness when we can no longer keep emotions suppressed.

Reframing is a simple concept that shifts our thinking from the negative to a more positive approach. Underlying beliefs and assumptions frame every thought. Challenging our beliefs and assumptions by trying out different frames will help us think differently. For example, if I find out that I did not receive a coveted job, my first thought could be that I am not good enough, and my work is undervalued.

By stepping away from that thought and framing the issue differently, I can view this news in a more positive light - my work is excellent; the selected candidate was just a better fit. A long term view may remind me that I've been rejected before and have been very happy with the jobs I eventually received.

A reframe needs to be genuine; otherwise, our brain will stay stuck in a negative frame. If you don't believe that your work is excellent or the selected candidate was a better fit, then don't use those assumptions to reframe. 

Resist the temptation to reframe for others. When someone else reframes for us, it can feel dismissive or communicate a lack of empathy. Instead, ask questions that prompt the other person to reframe on their own. For example, if a colleague complains about their boss, ask them, "what do you like about your boss?" or "how does your boss compare to previous bosses?"

Here are some reframing questions to ask yourself or others:

• What positive things could come from this?

• How could you benefit from the situation?

• What opportunities will this experience provide you?

• What is another way of looking at this?

• How does this look in the long-term?

• How does this look in the short-term?

• How else could you interpret this experience?

• What are other possible reasons this could have happened?

• What can you learn from this?

• What concerned you the most about the option you didn’t get?

What helps you reframe negative thoughts?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

Want an Energy Boost? Learn to Breathe

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I learned to breathe in India. My yoga instructor taught me to take a deep breath, expanding my belly, and then pause and exhale slowly to the count of five. I repeated this four times and felt remarkably calmer and centered afterward.

My instructor called it Pranayama. Others call it controlled or abdominal breathing. It doesn't matter what you call it or what technique works best for you. Any controlled breathing will increase your energy, release stress, sharpen mental clarity, and improve your resilience.

According to the New York Times, science is beginning to provide evidence that the benefits of this ancient practice are physiological as well as psychological. Studies have found, for example, that breathing practices can help reduce symptoms associated with anxiety, insomnia, post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, and attention deficit disorder.

A study in China found that eight weeks of intensive diaphragmatic breathing training improved cognition, emotion, and physiological responses. Even a 1-day breathing exercise relieved the emotional exhaustion and depersonalization induced by job burnout. "Breathing is massively practical," says Belisa Vranich, a psychologist and author of the book "Breathe.” “It’s a meditation for people who can’t meditate.”

How controlled breathing promotes wellbeing is still unclear. Some researchers are studying how controlled breathing changes our autonomic nervous system. When we practice controlled breathing, our brain may adjust the parasympathetic branch of the nervous system, slowing our heart rate and digestion and promoting feelings of calm.

Controlled breathing may also affect our immune system. At the Medical University of South Carolina, researchers studied two groups of adults. One group did two sets of 10-minute breathing exercises while the other read a text of their choice for 20 minutes. They tested the volunteers' saliva at various times during the exercise. Individuals doing the breathing exercise had significantly lower levels of several chemicals associated with inflammation and stress.

Have you tried controlled breathing? If so, what impact has it had on your resilience?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

How to Stop Being a Work Martyr

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Do you avoid taking leave because you think you are indispensable at work? Do you equate being crazy busy with being important and valued? Do you work yourself to the bone because you believe no one else can do the work as well as you? At social events, do you only talk about work?

If you've answered yes to any of these questions, you may be a work martyr. Work martyrs prize hours worked over actual productivity and believe that not taking a break will reap greater professional success. They think no one can do their work as well as them, so they rarely take leave. They strive to show complete dedication to their company and job, sacrificing other life priorities.

While work martyrs may get a lot done in the short-term, this surge in productivity drops significantly in the long-term. They are also at high risk of burnout. Their behavior may put pressure on colleagues to also become work martyrs, undermining the team's long-term resilience and productivity.

According to a report by the U.S. Travel Association, a staggering four in ten (39%) employees say they want to be seen as a work martyr by their boss. Unfortunately, the number of work martyrs is growing among millennials. According to a survey conducted by Alamo Rent A Car, millennials are the most likely to make others feel a sense of shame for taking a vacation. 

Many work martyrs realize they are sacrificing more than they should. In the same U.S. Travel Association report, the overwhelming majority (86%) of employees believe it is a bad thing to be seen as a work martyr by their family.

If you think you’re a work martyr, here are some suggestions that will help you stop:

Say No

Work martyrs usually have no boundaries and rarely, if ever, say no. Commit to saying no more at work. Let your supervisor know what you're doing and why, so your sudden change in behavior doesn't come as a shock. Review this blog with 11 tips on how to say no.

Ask For Help

Work martyrs rarely ask for help because they think they know best or worry about appearing to be weak. Review this blog on how to ask for help. To jumpstart, consider setting a specific goal for yourself, such as asking for help at work once a day. Reward yourself at the end of the week if you meet your goal.

Stop Being a Perfectionist

Many work martyrs are perfectionists, believing that anything less than perfect is unworthy. Read this blog on perfectionism and commit to living a less-than-perfect life.

Take Vacation

Work martyrs rarely take a vacation. Strive to take all of your leave every year. This blog provides advice on how to make sure you take regular vacations.

Accept What You Can’t Control

Work martyrs often try to control everything in their environment and spend hours trying to alter rather than accept a less than ideal reality. Review this blog on accepting what you can't control and pledge to spend more time focused on things you can impact and realistically influence. 

Have you stopped being a work martyr? What helped you stop?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

When Your Boss Has Low Resilience

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I recently consulted with someone who described her boss as very quick to anger, exploding at the staff without warning or reason. She is clingy, insisting that employees join her for social activities and always be available for her to vent. She is moody, rarely sleeps, and her cynicism is harsh and corrosive.

As you can imagine, this behavior negatively impacts the office she supervises. Staff resilience is eroding, and her team is breaking down. Employees are demoralized, and a few people have already quit.

It sounds like this boss had once been impressive, but after years of chronic stress, her resilience was extremely low. She had become toxic. My colleague asked me for advice on what to do. Here's what I suggested:

Speak With Your Boss

If you have a trusting relationship with your boss, consider speaking with her about what you're seeing. Review my blog on how to help someone with low resilience. Your intent must be positive. You have to want to help her eliminate problematic behaviors and be a more effective boss. If your boss isn't open to talking, don't push. Just let her know that you want to help and that you're available if she would like to speak with someone.

Find a Colleague to Help

Look for a colleague who has a trusting relationship with your boss and see if that person will initiate a non-judgmental, well-intentioned conversation. Explain that you don’t want to gossip or complain, but you need someone who can help support your boss through a difficult situation.

Talk to Your Boss's Supervisor

While many of us are reluctant to go around our boss and report problems, this is a time when your boss's supervisor could be a valuable ally. When explaining the situation, focus on the behaviors you've observed and the impact it is having on you. Avoid drawing conclusions or making judgments. You're not complaining about a bad boss; you're helping your boss's supervisor understand that there is problematic behavior harming you. You are seeking assistance in eliminating that behavior. If this sounds scary, it is. If you can bring a group of employees together who can speak from first-hand experience, that sometimes makes it easier and is less likely to be viewed as personal.

Go to HR

If initial efforts to address the problematic behavior are not successful, consider talking to your organization’s HR office. If you have an Ombudsman or Office of the Inspector General, consider getting them involved.

Transfer or Quit

If all else fails, consider asking to be relocated within the organization or quitting. Working for a supervisor with low resilience who is engaging in problematic behavior can harm your resilience and set the team up for failure. There are times when quitting is the best option. If you don't want to leave, look for a short-term detail in another office to get a break. Let people know you're interested in making a lateral move to another position in the organization.

Focus on Your Resilience

If you decide to stay, and efforts to improve your environment fail, commit to keeping your resilience as high as possible. Make your resilience a top priority and do what you can to contribute to your team's resilience. Review this blog on how to survive a toxic work environment.

Have you worked for a boss with low resilience? What has worked for you?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

My Favorite Resilience-Related Podcasts

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I love listening to podcasts, especially on long road trips. There are several podcasts that discuss resilience and other related issues. Here are my favorites, which are all available on iTunes.

• Road to Resilience: Mount Sinai Health System started this monthly podcast in June 2018. The series is based on one of my favorite books, Resilience: The Science of Mastering Life’s Greatest Challenges, which explains how anyone can become more resilient when facing life’s greatest challenges. Each podcast episode focuses on specific resilience aspects and presents a simple guide for people to follow and apply to their own lives.  

• Resilient: Started in April 2018, Deloitte’s podcast features authentic, engaging, and thought-provoking conversations with CEOs, senior executives, board members, and people outside the business world about how they led through crisis, navigated through disruption, and managed through significant risk events.

• Being Well with Dr. Rick Hanson: Dr. Hanson started this podcast in June 2016. He’s a psychologist and the author of Resilient, another one of my favorite books. He focuses a lot on the brain and how we can use our minds to change our brains for the better.

• Hidden Brain: Started in October 2015, NPR’s Shankar Vedantam uses science and storytelling to reveal the unconscious patterns that drive human behavior, shape our choices, and direct our relationships. While many of his episodes are not related to resilience, his series You 2.0 explored a range of resilience concepts that were useful and inspiring.

• Bryony Gordon’s Mad World: Bryony Gordon is a journalist with the Telegraph newspaper and has written several books about mental health. In this podcast, started in April 2017, she has intimate conversations with well-known personalities about being unwell and getting better. My favorite is her interview with Prince Harry, when he opened up for the first time about his grief after his mother died.

• On Being: This long-running podcast explores the intersection of spiritual inquiry, science, social healing, community, poetry, and the arts through interviews with experts in the fields. In 2014, President Obama awarded host Krista Tippett the National Humanities Medal for “thoughtfully delving into the mysteries of human existence.” 

• Real Life Resilience: Since 2015, host Stacy Brookman has interviewed guests who have weathered challenges and bounced back from trauma. She focuses on helping people discover and tell their life stories because it provides them with insight and courage to finally make progress. They become a more authentic person, comfortable with who they are and where they're going.

Do you listen to resilience podcasts? What are your favorites? 

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

I Don't Like Work-Life Balance

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I don't like the concept of "work-life balance." While I appreciate the goals of work-life balance campaigns, I worry that we are not using the right language and, therefore, not always finding the best ways forward.

My biggest complaint is that it sets up an incorrect distinction between "work" and "life" as if work is not part of my life, and I am not living when I'm at work. Work is a significant aspect of my life, part of my identity, where I find meaning and purpose, and where I spend a lot of my time.

However, my life has several facets in addition to work such as friends, family, hobbies, reflective time, exercise, and sleeping. I don't turn off aspects of my life while at work. When my parents died, it impacted my work. If I don't sleep well, it affects my work. If I don't carve out enough reflective time, my work suffers.

Work will also impact the rest of your life. Work stress may result in poor sleep or mood swings that affect relationships with friends and family. Overwork may reduce the time you have available for hobbies or regular exercise.

The facets of our lives bleed into each other and are not separate and distinct. This video that Kristina Kuzmic posted on Facebook is an excellent illustration of why trying to balance everything can get us into trouble.

Rather than balance life's facets, we should choose how to spend our time after thinking through the costs and benefits of these choices. That's why I prefer "life integration" instead of "balance."

For example, my dad chose to be home for dinner with his family every evening, which prevented him from taking volunteer positions. As a result, he didn't get promoted. He happily gave up opportunities given the long-term benefits of being present for his family, who surrounded him with love and support at the end of his life.

I met an exceptional leader who schedules family vacations right after times when he has to work long hours. This way, he recovers from the work stress and compensates for the time he was unable to be with his family. He appoints someone to act for him and stays away from his email during these vacations.

A successful U.S. diplomat would go to a low-stress (and not necessarily good for promotion) country right after serving in a dangerous post so she could decompress and enjoy more time with friends and hobbies.

For each of these individuals, nothing was in perfect balance. Instead, they chose to prioritize different parts of their lives depending on their needs at the time.

Instead of seeking work-life balance, identify what's important to you, define your priorities, and set some boundaries. Strive for a well-integrated life by making a conscious choice about how you will spend your time, being aware of the pros and cons of these decisions.

What do you think of "life integration" instead of "work-life balance?"

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

Perfectionism is the Enemy of Resilience

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One of the quickest ways to erode resilience is to try to be perfect. Some people strive for perfection to hide their shortcomings. Others think they need to project an ideal image to avoid criticism.

Unfortunately, perfection is impossible to achieve. As the pressure to be perfect builds up, we risk an explosion or collapse. Striving to be perfect requires an enormous amount of energy, leaving little in reserve for a crisis. And, if you project a perfect image, this pressures others to try to do the same.

A perfectionist boss often instills fear in subordinates who will seek to please them rather than do their best. Fear, paradoxically, generates more mistakes. Instead of using their instinct or common sense, employees try to read their boss' minds. As a result, they drop the ball over and over. Constant criticism has a similar impact.

If you find yourself struggling with the desire to be perfect, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Am I trying to please others? 

Stop focusing on what you think other people expect of you. Accept that it is okay to disappoint people. Don’t let guilt drive your behavior. Live the life that you choose, consistent with your values and goals. Remind yourself that it is better to be respected than to be liked.

2. What’s the worst thing that could happen? 

If things don't go according to your perfect expectations, how much harm, if any, will it cause? Can you live with the disappointment or anger that less than perfect may cause? Is there a real loss, or are you just imagining an adverse outcome?

3. What can I learn when things don’t go as expected? 

Accept reality rather than getting stuck to how you think things are supposed to be. Ask yourself why things didn't things go your way. What can you improve? Is there something you could have done better? Or was it out of your control?

How do you avoid being a perfectionist?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

How to Make Resilience Your Superpower

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Resilience is a superpower. Resilience is the capacity to adapt successfully in the presence of risk and adversity and to bounce back, or forward, from setbacks, trauma, and high stress.

When I was a senior leader at the Department State, I saw that resilient people and teams were more adaptable, flexible, collaborative, and innovative; they got things done. Resilience was the shield that protected against continuous change, chronic stress, and constant pressures.

Luckily, resilience is not just a trait that some people are lucky to have at birth. It is also a state of being that can change depending on your environment and actions. Everyone can develop the resilience superpower by mastering resilience skills and tools, and making time for resilience enhancing activities.

When I ran the Department of State's Center of Excellence in Foreign Affairs Resilience, we reviewed resilience research and studied successful diplomats and overseas missions to identify the following five factors that are essential for building and maintaining resilience:

Self-Care

Daily physical activity, healthy eating, sufficient sleep, and taking time to recover from stress are necessary for both short-term and long-term resilience. Study your daily and weekly routines and try to schedule the time you need to focus on each of these components. We often overlook the need to recover — which can be as simple as taking a walk in a park, meditating, or working on a jigsaw puzzle. If you have long workdays and overwhelming workloads, build in short breaks that allow time to recover from periods of high-intensity work. Take vacation.

Problem-Solving

Your level of resilience directly correlates to your ability to maintain a sense of control, even over the smallest things. Spend time and mental energy on issues you can control and influence while letting go of things that are outside of your control (e.g., traffic). Set clear boundaries, communicate them to colleagues, friends, and family, and then use your boundaries to say "no" to requests that would otherwise overwhelm you. Ask “why” five times to get to the root of a problem. Ask for help when you need it.

Meaning and Purpose

A person's sense of meaning and purpose directly links to their resilience. Find ways to insert meaning and purpose into your daily life. For some, meaning and purpose come from religion or family, while others engage in service projects, volunteer work, or hobbies. If you don't find meaning in your work, consider finding another job or shifting your work focus. Be passionate about something. Be helpful to others.

Social Support

In-person social interactions are essential to your well-being and resilience. The depth of individual relationships outweighs the number of connections one has. Nurture your friendships and family relationships and build support among your work colleagues. For fellow introverts, resist the temptation when feeling down to isolate yourself and instead spend time with a close friend who won't drain you of energy.

Positive Outlook

Maintaining a positive outlook builds resilience. Consciously focus on what is going well in your life and, as necessary, positively re-frame the parts that aren’t going so well. Positive re-framing might require you to zoom your perspective in or out or look at an issue from a different angle. Spend time every day thinking about what you are grateful for and then express that gratitude to colleagues, friends, and family. Laugh often.

What helps you build and maintain your resilience?  

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

How to Build Resilience by Making Friends

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Having social support from close friends or family is an essential resilience factor. Studies show that those with strong friendships are far more resilient in many settings, whether dealing with difficult work situations, a severe medical illness, or even the loss of a loved one. In this TED talk, Robert Waldinger reports on a longitudinal study that confirms the value of positive social relationships.

Unfortunately, as we get busier with our everyday responsibilities, such as work and family, we tend to put our friendships on the back burner. Men are more at risk than women, with many having no friends as they approach middle age.

Making friends isn't easy, and it can become harder for adults who don't have natural forums for meeting and getting to know new people. We may have a lot of acquaintances, but it can be challenging to transition those relationships into friendships.

The good news is that you don’t need to be an extrovert or have a million friends. A single close friendship is enough to build your resilience.

Do you want to build your resilience through better friendships? Here are some tips on how to do it:

Create New Connections

If you don't have friends in your area, reach out to special interest groups, such as clubs or meetups. Volunteer with a local charitable organization. Attend a religious service. Invite a work colleague for a cup of coffee. Reaching out can be a challenge for shy people, so if you need some motivation, set targets for yourself, such as meeting one new person a week.

Strengthen Existing Connections

Even people who are married or have many friends can feel lonely. If you are married or have a partner, consider ways you can deepen or revitalize that relationship. If you've been neglecting some old friendships, reach out to these friends to connect over coffee and catch up. Consider carving an extra hour or two out of your week to schedule lunch or dinner with a close friend regularly.

Spend Time in Person

While the internet can be a powerful tool to connect people, there is no substitute for ample face-to-face time when sustaining and nurturing our relationships. Friendships take time to develop. Researcher Jeffrey Hall found that while casual friendships emerge after only 30 hours spent together, close friendships do not develop until after 300 hours spent together. He noted the importance of talking, catching up, joking, and having meaningful conversations.

When Stressed, Reach Out

An essential part of building resilience is accepting help from the people who are important to you. If you are struggling with stress or a tough situation, lean on a friend for some support. Asking for help is a great way to make yourself feel better and can deepen the bond you have with that friend.

Check out this blog for more tips on making friends in your 30s, 40s, 50s, and beyond.

How do you make and nurture your friendships?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.

It's Time to Plan Your Next Vacation

Today is National Plan for Vacation Day. Do you have summer vacation plans yet? If not, you may be one of the 47% of Americans who do not take all of their vacation time.

Why don’t we take a vacation when studies show that taking time off from work, and work-related emails, lowers levels of fatigue and job burnout? Many of us are so overwhelmed with work, we cannot imagine taking time away. However, if you come back rested from vacation, your performance will probably improve. You’ll be better at solving problems and other creative tasks.

Coronavirus had made vacation planning exceptionally challenging. Without knowing when it will be safe to travel, many of us are reluctant to book flights and hotel rooms. We don’t want to be disappointed when our vacation plans fall through. Still, the benefits of planning your next vacation are probably worth taking the risks of having to change plans. Check out this blog for vacation ideas during a global pandemic.

During my last few years in the State Department, I had a tradition of taking at least a week off every winter and summer. Just before I left for a vacation, I started planning my next one. This way I would always be planning and looking forward to a trip. This tradition did wonders for my resilience and work productivity.

In 2021, I had several trips planned even though I knew there was a chance coronavirus would cause me to cancel. Luckily, each trip fell during COVID lulls so I got very lucky. I’ve done the same for 2022, planning for the worst and hoping for the best!

Here are some tips on how you can ensure you are taking regular vacations:

Plan Ahead

Get approval for your leave and block vacation days on your calendar six months or more in advance. Buy your plane ticket and make reservations. This way when your vacation comes around, you have no excuse to postpone or cancel. Waiting for the right time to take a break rarely works since it’s never a good time.

Prepare Your Backup

Having a well-briefed, reliable backup is essential to taking leave. Trust your backup to act on your behalf while you're gone. If you're a manager, give explicit authority to the acting manager to make decisions and keep the team moving. Don't second guess your backup once you return to the office. So what if you would have done it differently or even better - giving someone authority gives you freedom. It’s worth it.

Don’t Check Emails

I used to check my emails every morning while on vacation, rationalizing that this kept me from feeling overwhelmed by emails on my first day back in the office. The problem with this practice is that I then never really disconnected. My backup wasn't empowered to act since she knew I was checking in daily. And, I never got a real break because I started my day thinking about the office and that thinking lingered through the day. To avoid an email backlog, set aside a few hours or even a full day at the end of your vacation to tackle your inbox.

Communicate Expectations

Draw clear boundaries and communicate these to your colleagues. Let your staff know that you will not check your emails while on leave. Instead, provide a phone number for dire emergencies (define emergency). Let your team know that you've given your backup authority to act on your behalf. Inform your boss that you will not be available except in an emergency and convey your confidence in your backup. Leave an out-of-office message stating that you will not be checking your emails, whom to contact in your absence, and that it will take several days to review emails upon your return.

Consider a Staycation

Vacations do not have to be expensive, elaborate events. Some of my favorite breaks from work have been the times I stayed home and explored my city. And, this is a great way to vacation during coronavirus. Here’s a great article on how to plan the best staycation ever.

Enjoy Your Vacation

With work out of the way, enjoy your leave. Spend time with friends and family once it’s safe to do so, pursue a passion, or do nothing. Let your mind go wherever it takes you and if it takes you to work from time to time, shift your thoughts somewhere else. You'll be thankful you took a real vacation once you return to the office refreshed and resilient. And, if you're a manager, you'll set an excellent example, for your staff to follow.

What helps you take and enjoy your vacations? How have you adapted due to coronavirus?

___________________________

To learn more about how you and your team can thrive in adversity, visit my website, and follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. And, check out my online Resilience Leadership course.